I’ll tell you who really killed Captain America… Stephen Colbert.
Stephen Colbert conveniently inherited Captain America’s shield following the characters death and is rumored to have thus been inducted honorarily as a character in the Marvel Universe. The shield was initially reported as missing, but later turned up in the hands of Colbert on television during Comedy Central’s, “The Colbert Report”. Colbert claims Steve Rogers (i.e. Captain America!) bequeathed the shield to him in his Will. S.H.I.E.L.D. is currently investigating the validity of the Will.
While Colbert bids farewell to Captain America, one has to wonder, did he do it? Did Stephen Colbert murder Captain America? One may argue that he lacks the qualities of a super hero villain, but what if Stephen Colbert is really the alter ego of Crossbones or Dr.Faustus?! Let’s not forget Colbert’s performance at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner… According to Michael Scherer, “Stephen Colbert is a dangerous man — a bomb thrower, an assassin, a terrorist with boring hair and rimless glasses. It’s a wonder the Secret Service let him so close to the president of the United States.”
Colbert has appeared in Maxim Online and People Magazine as one of the sexiest men alive. How many political satirists with boring hair and rimless glasses have been declared sexy before Colbert? It’s never been done before. It can’t be done. At least not on looks alone, which is why Colbert needs to maintain a bad-boy image to impress the ladies. Bad enough to kill Captain America? I think so…
If you think the evidence ends there you’re wrong! When Captain America realized his fight against the Registration Act was putting the lives of civilians in danger, he ordered the anti-Registration forces to stand down. Colbert, who had a vested interest in the liberty of the super-powered beings via his ice cream business (i.e. Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream – …the sweet taste of liberty…), could not allow the fight against registration to be lost, and thus needed to murder Captain America in order to allow a new leader, possibly Punisher, to continue the battle!
You see, the Comics Code Authority (CCA) was created to regulate the content of comic books and prevents super-powered beings from consuming alcohol. With beer outlawed to super-beings, Colbert’s ice cream business makes a fortune. It’s like when the sale of alcohol was made illegal in the United States during the prohibition between 1920-1933 and the demand for ice cream soared up by 71%.
Think about it. Without the registration act, Colbert sells plenty of ice cream. But, with the registration act, all registered super-beings gain civilian rights while unmasked. Therefore with the registration act, super-beings would finally be allowed to grab a beer after work! This would be devastating to Colbert’s ice cream business… Ladies and gentlemen, that is motive for murder! Colbert needed Captain America dead to ensure the fight against registration continued so that super-beings remained outlawed from consuming alcohol.
Do not let the fact that Captain America is a comic book character stand in the way of justice. Stephen Colbert must pay for the crimes he has committed! Get out your plungers and stand up for Steve Rogers.
Don’t let fiction and reality become two separate entities!