Dear minions,

Building an empire is not easy. The bigger you get, the more trolls and competition you must defeat to keep moving forward.

How do you stay ahead of the competition? How do you stand tall in the face of defeat?

Let me tell you…

#1 – Evil Overlords Don’t Wear Pants.

Evil Overlords have big balls. Even the ladies. No pants can contain the massive balls of an evil overlord.

(Lesson: Be unique. Be confident.)

#2 – Evil Overlord Don’t Think Outside the Box.

Evil Overlords don’t think outside the box. They stand outside the box, put you in, close the lid, and call it a day.

(Lesson: Be creative. Always stay a step ahead.)

#3 – Evil Overlords Don’t Mow The Lawn.

Trolls are tiny, annoying, little creatures that normally live symbiotic relationships with the commenting systems of blogging platforms.

By allowing your lawn to grow into a grassland paradise, Earl will move-in and eat your trolls.

(Lesson: Ignore the trolls, your minions will take care of them.)

#4 – Evil Overlords Don’t Judge a Book by it’s Cover.

Sometimes the ugly duckling has the biggest balls. See #1.

(Lesson: Appreciate everybody. Underestimate nobody.)

#5 – Evil Overlords Don’t Push the Big Red Button.

Evil Overlords never panic. They never over-react. They never hit the self-destruct button.

Evil Overlords patiently wait for opportunities then make the most of them. Like a cat. Ready to pounce.

(Lesson: Be patient. Take steps to reach your goals.)

#6 – Evil Overlords Don’t Have a Clue. For you.

Good luck trying to understand the inner-working of an overlords mind. You’ll never know what an evil overlord is truly up to.

If an evil overlord gives you a clue, it’s because they wanted to.

(Lesson: Be strategic. Always have a plan B. And C.)

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Domination - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

Calamari anyone?

You know what really makes me want to plunge? Giant Squid. Not because they have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom or because their wieners (slang for penis) are 3 feet long. Nope, all of that stuff is just fine and dandy.

The problem is that giant squid make the worst possible usage of their suction cups. These guys could climb a building, play outfield for the Yankees, or even hold-up that soap tray in the shower that keeps falling. Instead, they float around their entire life, never to be employed as a plumber. With eight tentacles and hundreds of suctions cups, they could easily unclog thousands of toilets daily and contribute to the economy. You would think evolution would lead them down this path – you know survival of the fittest – because who’s going to eat a squid after it spends the day in clogged toilets. Of course, I guess that point is moot since we do presently dump sewage into the oceans and enjoy our calamari anyways…

No buttock cleavage, no game.

Maybe the real problem with squid is their lack of a true buttocks. How can we truly accept them as plumbers if they can’t produce plumbers crack? Wait, that’s off-topic…

Why squid suck, haha pun intended.

Ok, back to the point – squid suck. Do you know how squid waste their true anatomical potential? Rather than even considering the plumbing career, squid simply go around sticking their suction cups to whales!

What’s the point? Are they hoping the whale will take them for a ride? You can’t just go around sticking it to whoever or whatever you want. Granted I would do the same if given the opportunity, but that’s not the point.

The point is squid suck.

Wake-up call for the squid – time to get real.

I think it’s time we demonstrate to the squid why enslavement at the hands of humanity is a much better way to spend life rather than gleefully roaming the oceans and sticking it to random whales.

You gonna let squid stand in the way of this?

Great idea – what do we have to do?

Squid have nice round and wet heads. In fact, a squids head is the ideal location for sticking a plunger. The next time a 33-foot giant squid is found, you know what to do. Stick it to the squid, give it a taste of it’s own medicine.

Think of your children – stick it to the squid.

Don’t let these giant squid continue to steal media attention away from American Idol or that Jon dude with all the kids. Do you want your children to see giant squid on TV every night and then have squid-related nightmares?

Do your part to ensure that the next time a giant squid shows up on TV, it has a plunger stuck to it’s head. The future of your child and reality TV may very well be at stake. Maybe your kid you could live without, but what about the Cake Boss?

Stick it to the squid, I think that’s the point. Or maybe I’m just frustrated about plumbers crack.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Domination - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

A cow on cannabis

Farmers in Switzerland agree that cannabis is an affordable way to feed their cows and keep them happy. Two birds with one stone – or two cows with one doobie! The Agriculture Ministry however states that the active ingredient in cannabis, THC, can get into cow milk and create a health risk problem. However, artificial growth hormones designed to increase milk production when there is already an oversupply of milk are considered perfectly safe by the ministry.

If anyone should be allowed to get high, its the cows. We’ve taken all meaning and fun out of their lives. We treat the cows like commodities, to use, tip over, and barbecue as we please. There are no cows living in the wild anywhere in the world, we have enslaved their entire population. Despite this, cows aren’t even on any endangered species lists because we no longer view them as creatures, but rather as burgers and bags of milk. They have nothing going for them besides exploitation. Do you hear them complain? No! Cows are always happy to serve. Just let the cows get high…

Of course, the ministry will argue that it’s our responsibility to educate the young cows about the dangers of drugs and peer pressure. Would you want your cow to grow up and spend it’s life served in burgers at McDonald’s, being fed to humans by employees making minimum wage? That’s what drugs will do to you according to the ministry. They claim to have studies proving that cows not consuming cannabis have much better chances of becoming a prime rib steak. I disagree. I think any cow that can pee in a cup for a drug test has all the necessary skills to become a prime rib steak, regardless of whether or not they eat raw marijuana.

Happy cows make for happier burgers and cannabis keeps cows happy. It’s a recipe for success. Take a look at these happy cows from California. Don’t they look happy? Do you want to make these cows sad? Of course not! Pull out your plunger and raise it in the air. Let the world know it’s time to pull the plug on the ban on feeding cows cannabis! THC does not accumulate in the food chain like poisonous mercury, yet fish have not been banned from living in the waters we have polluted and continue to make dangerous to our own health. Why take out our problems on the cows, just let them get high.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Domination - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

Shake what yo mama gave ya!

Today I was entrusted with the task of tying up a chicken. Simple as that may sound, a chicken is indeed a formidable foe that should not be underestimated.

The first thing to do when asked to tie up a chicken is desperately seek out advice from people who tie up chickens professionally. If you’re having trouble finding such a person, its because they’ve decided to use the fancy name of “trussing poultry” in order to describe their line of work.

One thing the professionals forget to mention is that you should always begin by making sure your chicken is dead. To do this, simply poke the chicken several times with your index finger and wait for a response. Feathers are not a vital organ so don’t assume your bird is dead even if it has none. Beware of escape attempts. The bird I am presently cooking used its slippery skin to attempt an escape when I picked it up. Approach your chicken with caution at all times.

Here is an article from the Food Network called “Truss Poultry” which provides step by step chicken trussing instructions for beginners like me:

How to Truss Poultry Instructions

How to Truss Poultry VIDEO!

The video is excellent unless, like me, you find yourself with a chicken that does not match the shape of the chicken in the video. If your chickens legs won’t cross, don’t force them too much or the leg will fall right off…

So what do you do if your average chicken looks nothing like the big juicy ones that make it on TV? Improvise! The video suggests using a cord about three times the length of the chicken. I say, when in doubt, tie that bird up real good and use three feet of string if necessary! If it looks like an Egyptian mummy by the time it goes into the rotisserie, all the better! There’s no better way to preserve a chickens corpse.

The final step is actually cooking the chicken! Unfortunately I don’t think I’m quite qualified to offer assistance in this area yet as my mother f***** keeps catching on fire. Must be all the cord…

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Domination - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet