As an evil overlord, it’s important to have a set of quotes handy at all times in order to out-duel an adversary in a verbal showdown of wits.
Bookmark this page, more quotes are added nefariously!
As an evil overlord, it’s important to have a set of quotes handy at all times in order to out-duel an adversary in a verbal showdown of wits.
Bookmark this page, more quotes are added nefariously!
Let’s skip the small talk and get straight to the point…
HOLY SHIT IT’S SNOWING!
I could have built an evil headquarters inside a volcano like Dr. Evil, I bet that would have been nice…
Or I could have built a fort in the jungle with a pit of poisonous lizards and some mischievous pick-pocketing monkeys…
… But no!
Instead here I am in Canada living inside a very frigid and excessively polite ice-cube.
Instead of a death-ray, I have a floor mat that says, “Welcome” and then upside down it says “Come Again”. I hate it. I didn’t want you to come in the first place! I’d throw the damn thing in the garbage, but in Canada you can’t not have a floor mat because HOLY SHIT IT’S SNOWING!
… Also, the other ones say worse things like “Please Stay a While” and then upside down “Missing You Already”.
Listen, I’m the worlds most notorious supervillain – I need my headquarters surrounded by giant bears, alligators, or maybe a really big moose. All I’ve got is hundreds of these tiny obnoxious chipmunks…
Instead of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads I have chipmunks with nothing attached to their stupid little heads.
Chipmunks are good for nothing!
… Unless you consider digging holes and stealing cucumbers good for something. I don’t. I hate chipmunks and I wish they wouldn’t sit there watching me while I curse about my stupid floor mat.
But that’s NOT EVEN the worst part!
If all these things weren’t already bad enough for my credibility as the worlds most notorious supervillain, NOW I HAVE TO SHOVEL.
First of all, there’s frickin’ snow everywhere and all I ever do is shovel.
How am I supposed to find time to conquer the world if all I ever do is shovel? How is any Canadian supposed to do anything?
This is why the world thinks Canadians are so friendly! Canadians don’t have any free time to piss everybody off like normal people because they’re always outside shoveling.
The worst part is you can NEVER finish shoveling. You think you can, but you can’t.
Once you’re finally done the plow drives by and takes the snow your neighbor just spent all day shoveling, and moves it right in front of your laneway. Then the plow takes the snow you spent all day shoveling and moves it to your next neighbor. And so on. And so forth. Until the plow gets to the last house, and moves that snow back to the first guy so that everybody is just shoveling around the same snow in one never ending circle.
It’s ridiculous! This is exactly the sort of thing that turns a person into a crazy old man…
… But seriously, it’s got to be some sort of scam to make sure Canadians don’t get bored in Winter, because what else is there to do really?!?
I mean, some Canadians like to ski, but that’s because plummeting down a frozen hillside is the sort of thing someone depressed and suicidal might turn to once their hands are blistered from weeks of shoveling and they just can’t take it anymore.
HOLY SHIT IT’S SNOWING!
Listen, there’s a lot of Chuck Norris lists out there…
… They suck.
This is the #1 undisputed top rated Chuck Norris list of them all.
… Share it.
This list is exceedingly popular because it’s the sort of list that includes INSANE NEVER BEFORE RELEASED BONUS MATERIAL like Chuck Norris Poetry…
Jack can be nimble, and Jack can be quick,
but not even Jack can dodge a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
You see? Best list ever.
… but wait, there’s so much more!
… if you’re thinking – “Wow, one second, that’s impressive! I wonder how he’s gonna do it” – well, let me tell you, Chuck Norris can kill you with anything…
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. I mean, if there’s a corded phone around, that would work too, but you get the point. The man can improvise.
In fact, in the average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
… and if you’re thinking you can hide…
Chuck Norris knows where you live because Chuck Norris knows all the things he needs to know to find and kill you.
But more importantly, Chuck Norris knows where you die, because he has the whole thing planned out. Really, there’s not much to it, as discussed earlier, it only takes one second.
Now, if you’re thinking – “Bring it on Chuck Norris! You’re like 75 years old, I can take you” – here are some more facts you should consider…
This one time at band camp, a cobra bit Chuck Norris on the leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Also, this one time at another band camp, back when Mars was a popular destination for band camps, Chuck Norris went to band camp on Mars. Today, there are no signs of life on Mars.
An interesting fact though – Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano, so it must have been one hell of a band camp…
I can keep going, but I think you get the point.
You can run, but…
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. Including you.
Chuck Norris can win
a game of Connect Four
in three moves or less.
If that wasn’t clear, let me explain in horrifying detail what this sort of anecdote really means…
It means all the people that crossed Chuck Norris street had their hearts ripped-out from their anus by Chuck Norris, and at no point would any of the participants have had the opportunity to request an autograph or take a photo to post to Facebook.
I know it’s kind of a sad story, but Chuck Norris doesn’t really care much about feelings.
Did you know Chuck Norris can make onions cry before he chops them up?
I don’t know how he does it either because I’ve tried all sorts of things – I’ve made onions watch as I’ve chopped up their onion friends and onion relatives into tiny little pieces. I’ve chewed vigorously on onions in an omelet. I’ve even flipped around onions in a frying pan with a sizzling layer of olive oil. Nothing. The onions just always seem to take it all in stride without ever shedding a tear… Oh well.
Hey man, did you know Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards? Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further! Just imagine how far Chuck Norris can throw your lifeless body back to the other side of Chuck Norris street!
Now you might be thinking the plot of any good short story involves an action scene with a tank chase. Am I right?
… But a tank won’t help you escape Chuck Norris if you cross Chuck Norris street.
You could even have an unnecessarily big frickin’ tank with big bad-ass guns, the type not really ideal for city-driving…
… But the thing is, bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Your tank won’t protect you at all even if you lock the doors and decide to just sit there and make faces out the window.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, just by whispering… bang!
You could try killing Chuck Norris in his sleep, but Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun just so he has something to suffocate you with.
Chuck Norris still knows when someone crosses Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris can’t be fooled just by changing a street sign.
Hey man, I get it. You probably had no idea you crossed Chuck Norris street because it’s no longer named Chuck Norris which makes it very difficult to formulate any sort of ideas about it.
… But, that’s no excuse.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because nobody fools Chuck Norris. Ever.
You can of course try explaining the misunderstanding to Chuck Norris, not that it will help…
“Hey Chuck, bro, buddy, listen, I had no idea about the road… Err, well yeah, I crossed it, but it looked just like any other road… Err, no no, I’m not saying your road is ordinary, umm, it’s a very nice road? But, the sign, it didn’t mention your name… Wait, wait! Oh crap…”
… Of you.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris came before BOTH The Chicken and The Egg.
A “Handicap” parking sign doesn’t mean the spot is for handicapped people. It’s actually a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mean to beat up so many handicapped people, if they could just pay more attention to the warning signs…
If you think that’s crazy, imagine this…
Chuck Norris pours the milk first. Then he pours the cereal. Then he places the bowl. And it all works out somehow…
Maybe it has something to do with time travel because Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he just decides what time it is.
Most of the time, Chuck Norris decides it’s killing time.
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris. That’s kind of weird because Caller ID didn’t exist yet, but we’re talking about the same Chuck Norris who can cut through a hot knife with butter so I wouldn’t doubt it for a second.
Chuck Norris can even light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together. This comes in really handy when you’re stranded in the middle-of-no-where but have access to ice cubes.
Chuck plans to kill you,
You should run and hide and cry,
But you are a fool.
… Nobody can save you.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing underwear on the outside of his pants.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance”.
… Which is useless advice, because you have no chance.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it’s just afraid to move.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass at night. I’m not sure why he would do this though, what an ass.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. This happens every time he asks to use the washroom and I hate it because he pretends like he didn’t just punch my mirror again for no reason.
Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone. That’s just perfect because honestly who doesn’t enjoy having that conversation with some asshat when they pickup the phone.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn, he stares at it and dares it to grow. Do you know how stupid he looks when he does this? I mow his lawn just to make him stop, but he swears it works.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles because hair doesn’t grow on steel. This wastes a lot of time at airports when women at security are forced to look-into-this matter; dirty-old-bastard.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise!!! I’m not really sure how you go about destroying the periodic table and sometimes wonder if maybe Chuck is just sitting in a room somewhere ripping up pieces of paper… But then I realized this is probably Chuck Norris’ scientific way of saying he’s going to suffocate me, you know, by taking away all the oxygen.
Most importantly though…
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding and I really don’t want to end up always hiding in crowds wearing the same clothes.
Ok, now it’s over.
Hey man, before Chuck Norris has a chance to kill you, why not check out these other hilarious lists:
By now you’ve probably noticed Facebook is hellbent on achieving world domination. Hey man, as the worlds most notorious supervillain I can respect that…
The thing is…
There’s this one VERY BIG and extremely annoying problem…
And yes, it’s the thing I hate most about Facebook…
I hate friend requests.
I’ve spent a long time figuring out all the people I’m going to hate.
… I’ve got vendettas.
Plans for vengeance….
… Scores to even.
I’ve put a lot of effort into hating people effectively.
I don’t need Facebook coming along trying to unravel the whole thing!
What are you supposed to do anyways when you get a friend request?
… You can ignore it
You can decline it…
Either way there’s this creepy person sitting in a dark, depressing, lonely room, AND THEY KNOW, you didn’t accept it.
I prefer tools that let me hate people discreetly…
For example, take Reddit. Now that’s a cool platform because you can friend me, but I can keep hating you. It’s perfect.
But no, not with Facebook…
On Facebook, the requester knows you got the notification and they know you didn’t press accept. They know the request didn’t get lost because they probably sent it seven times just to be sure. They know exactly what’s going on.
And that’s a REALLY BIG problem.
Because then they ask the worst possible question any person could ever possibly ask…
Usually it’s a really long list of attributes, and I just don’t have the time to write all this stuff down.
And I especially don’t have time to listen to counter-arguments like, “Bro, listen dude I can change, just be my friend and I’ll stop posting pictures of my food”.
… I don’t want you to change
I’m happy hating you…
Just because we went to the same school, worked at the same office, or got similar looking haircuts from similar looking stylists at similar looking hair studios while sitting in similar looking chairs – And by that I mean, just because we did something that by some-stretch-of-the-imagination could possibly be construed as being similar…
DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE FRIENDS!
I would look at all your pictures, but only to see if you’re getting fat, or bald, or wrinkled, or going through some sort of mid-life crisis I could make worse.
If all your posts are just to brag about good stuff, I would post comments like, “Cute kid, fat and bald like you!”, or “Nice vacation, but get a gym membership you’re so fat”.
If you still post pictures of your food even though you promised you would change, I’ll reply to say how any calories you’re eating and I’ll post a fat graph which is a graph I invented to predict how much fatter you’ll be in 6 months based on all the data points you keep sharing on Facebook.
When I’m bored, I’ll check your location updates and continually bump into you to say things like, “Wow, you’re even fatter in person!”, or, “It’s weird I keep bumping into you, must be because you’re so fat”.
Eventually you’ll un-friend me and everything will go back to normal.
And the thing is, you can’t be mad at me because it’s all Facebook’s fault.
… I wanted to hate you discreetly.
I never asked to be friends…
It’s these stupid Facebook friend requests that put us in this awkward situation because…
Why not accept the friend request, then un-friend them a few days later when you think they aren’t looking?
BUT THEN FACEBOOK GOES OUT OF ITS WAY TO TELL THOSE PEOPLE, “Do you know Deceth? Send Deceth a Friend Request“.
It’s completely insane!
As soon as I un-friend people Facebook starts suggesting me as their friend! Before you know it, they want to be friends again and it’s back to square one.
… You can tell when somebody is really unpopular because they don’t even ask what happened, they just think that’s how Facebook works and it’s normal they need to re-add their friends every month.
Sometimes they ask, and then you need to make excuses about how your account got hacked, or how you meant to delete a different Bob but your list has a lot of Bobs and it’s very common to delete the wrong Bob.
Sometimes when they ask, I like to turn the tables and say, “You must have unfriended me because it still says we’re friends on my screen…”
The point is, you can never unfriend the people you never wanted to be friends with in the first place because Facebook makes it impossible to effectively hate the people you hate without having the people you hate make a big fuss about it.
You know when Facebook sends you those emails to tell you, “You have more friends on Facebook than you think”…
It’s not true.
You probably have less friends than you think so stop sending people friend requests!
Think about all the poor people out there pretending to be friends with other people who are probably just pretending to be friends with them too because Facebook told them to think they might be friends and then because there’s no good way to decline a friend request or no good way to unfriend a pretend friend who you hated in the first place, you’re stuck pretending to be friends forever.
Listen, this is a lot of work to manage and all of this stress is Facebook’s fault.
I hate friend requests.
In order to rule an empire, you need a bunch of sarcastic catchphrases.
In fact, if you read the Evil Overlord job description, you’ll notice the Big Boss must always be the most witty member of any evil-cast of villains.
Ruling an empire isn’t about big muscles or being a tough guy. The macho stuff is great for henchmen…
For an Evil Overlord, you need to be a mastermind. An evil genius. A hoopy frood who’s insanely brilliant!
… and to prove your superior intelligence, you need a bunch of witty quotes to constantly insult your minions!
Because it’s important to keep your minions on their toes…
… attentive and ready to serve.
And most importantly…
To avoid unpleasant uprisings and the sorts of situations that arise when confident co-workers start to believe they can do your job, you need your minions to be reminded that when compared to you, they are good for nothing.
Hey man, I’m not just some one-trick-pony who’s only skill is World Domination.
… I’m also the ultimate master of quotes lists!
If you want to conquer the world, it helps to know a lot of famous quotes because knowing quotes tricks people into thinking you’re some sort of wise intellectual.
Take a look:
If you’ve got an itch, The Bear Claw Back Scratcher is the most satisfying itch relief tool in the shape of a bear claw on the market.
Neanderthals have used bear claws to cure itching for centuries!
With your very own Bear Claw Back Scratcher you can remove any itch within 22 inches. That’s enough inches to put any itchy itches in itch relief reach!
No itch will ever withstand the ferociously satisfying scratch that comes with every Bear Claw Back Scratcher.
Best of all, the Bear Claw Back Scratcher is made of walnut and white pine so you never have to worry about whether or not it’s a real bear claw…
… It’s not a real bear claw!
It’s a masterfully crafted piece of therapeutic wood that will provide years of enjoyment.
Yes, the Bear Claw Back Scratcher is the best back scratching bear claw ever used to scratch backs.
It’s 87% more scratch effective than the severed bear limbs used by Neanderthals.
Today’s state-of-the-art bear claws have improved every aspect of back scratching:
Let’s face it, scratching with actual bear limbs is an ancient technique.
You can’t just use an ordinary stick and hope for some miracle your itches go away…
Don’t you think Neanderthals would have tried scratching with sticks before wrestling bears to the death? Are you going to argue with centuries of ancient itch relieving science?
Scratching with some unfashionable stick in public looks ridiculous; pull out your Bear Claw Back Scratcher, it’s portable!!!
You can relieve yourself anywhere you feel itchy.
Bring it to the park so you can sit on a bench with someone homeless…
… Or to the grocery store near some fruit that cause a rash if you’re allergic.
But especially bring it to meetings with insurance salesmen, if you weren’t itchy before you will be in a moment.
The Bear Claw Back scratcher is a wonderfully handcrafted piece of wall art!
Why do you think it comes with a brass chain? It’s so you can hang your bear claw in the living room for everyone to observe it’s ferocious grasp!
With the Bear Claw Back Scratcher hanging in your home, your walls will boast that confident “unscratchable itches are a thing of the past” look that will leave your your guests scratching their heads in amazement.
You can scratch your back at home, you can scratch your back alone.
You can even scratch that itch while you be textin’ on that phone.
You can do it in a car,
… You can do it on a bus.
You can even do it upside-down because right-side-up wasn’t fuss enough.
You can do it as first-base coach, or while eating an ice cream cone.
You can even do it with your pants down while you’re sitting on the throne.
You can scratch while in pajamas.
… You can help some itchy llamas.
You can do the sorts of things you never could just with bananas.
If you’re worried about comfort, don’t worry because the Bear Claw Back Scratcher has a very comfortable wood handle that’s perfect for gripping with precisely calculated firmness.
The wood grain can be grasped tightly, softly, or with rugged disregard, it doesn’t matter because you will always experience the deep-calming aura of total relaxation.
I used to scratch my back like some hippy in private… Now I scratch with style, class, and total indifference for the people sitting around me in movie theatres!. — Bob
oooh la la…it’s heaven. — Bob
Everybody gets itchy, stick this bear claw in Holiday stockings, what a stuffer for gift exchanges!!! — Bob
Removes itches from any size body!! — Bob
Gave my wife a bouquet of these instead of flowers!! — Bob
So pretty! And functional. Even versatile. Surprisingly not combustible! — Bob
The Bear Claw Back Scratcher doesn’t come with ferocious little bear prints imprinted on the handle, but I’ve painted some on myself with the appropriate tribal paints I’ve been telling my therapist about. — Bob
Are you thinking, “I need a scratch…”?
It’s time to set your fingers free from the rigorous wear and tear vigor’s of bodily scratching.
It’s time to get seriously satisfying itch relief with The Bear Claw Back Scratcher!
If you wish to rule an empire as an evil overlord, it’s important you send your rivals on the occasional wild goose chase. Allowing your enemies to “stumble upon” a well crafted treasure map is an ideal way to waste their time and resources.
Once you’re ready, use the following 5 simple steps to creating a well concocted treasure map…
Welcome to the semi-seasonal Ultimate Grand Prize Contest at deceth.com!!!
Enter now for your chance to win a percentage of $1,000,000!
DON’T YOU WANT $1 MILLION BUCKS?!
All you need to do is post a comment anywhere on my supervillain blog.
It’s that easy!
Post two comments!
Go nuts and post three comments!
In fact, why not start a conversation with all the other wacky minions lurking in the shadows?
You can go nuts together…
… be nuts together.
All while gaining tons of entries into the Ultimate Grand Prize Contest!
Every comment is another automatic entry for the jackpot.
… then you’ll be outraged!
I’ve crafted this devious contest to lure new suckers into the unrelenting grasp of my supervillain blog.
The unlucky winner will win the grand prize…
0% of $1,000,000!!!
You get nothing.
… … Nadda.
… … … Not even bragging rights.
Of course, you can try to brag…
But I’m instructing all the lucky contest losers to ridicule YOU.
Hey man, don’t quit now. You’ve made it this far…
I’ve already tricked you into reading this blog post, you might as well play things out and try your odds at winning.
What do you have to lose?
You could be the next Ultimate Grand Prize Winner!!!
With a contest this bad you just know it’s the one contest you’re finally going to win.
The grand announcement will come and your name will pop from the hat…
“Congratulations!” they’ll say. “You’ve just won the right to public humiliation and ridicule”.
But that’s only the beginning!
… I’m going to make things even worse than they already sound.
… You can’t even lose a simple contest properly.
It’s ok, I can help.
I’m the worlds most notorious supervillain.
I can show you the path to greatness.
All you need to do is let me help you hit ROCK BOTTOM.
You barely need a nudge…
…Looks like you’re almost there already.
It’s time to fall apart.
You want to hit ROCK BOTTOM and just be done with it.
Nothing in life will ever feel depressing again once you’ve hit rock bottom.
If you want to reach the top, you need to start at the bottom.
… There are no shortcuts.
… The harder you fall, the higher you rise!
If you want more than 0%…
If you want more than nothing…
If you want to conquer the world…
All you need to do is post a comment before it’s too late; hurry the next semi-season is already a half-season away!
You know how these things go…
One minute you’re minding your own business in your secret volcano castle eating a delicious canoli WHEN SUDDENLY A WILD ITALIAN PLUMBER APPEARS.
… what an asshole.
Mario can’t just use a door like a normal person. Nope.
The worst part is when he bursts into the room and shouts, “it’s aaaa me, Mario!”
That’s when you wish you had stuck with the New Years resolution to hit the treadmill because you never know when you’ll have to run away from a wild Italian plumber shooting fireballs at your guests.
“it’s aaaa me!!!”.
He says it again right before he beats the shit out of you and kidnaps your girlfriend who you just rescued again from her tormentors in the Mushroom Kingdom…
… A group of mushrooms hire a wild Italian plumber to kidnap a woman they call Princess, because of course they worship her… It’s all part of their sacrificial ritual to honor the host that carries the parasitic shroom children into future.
“Hey Toad, is she the one?”
“Yes! The recipe says find a ripe Peach, inoculate with fungal spawn, then maintain moisture levels and humidity.”
“Awesome, all hail Princess Peach!!! Mother of Mushroooooms!”
It’s weird right?
… And I’m the bad guy!!! HAHAHA!
Do you know how difficult it is to get nice furniture delivered to a SECRET volcano lair?! Always surplus charges and dungeons filled with Purolator guys.
WHAT ARE THE MUSHROOMS PAYING YOU MARIO?!
… If it’s my gold coins you want, take them!
Just please don’t torture me like you torture those poor Yoshi’s… Do you even know how many you’ve dropped into bottomless pits?!
“it’s aaaa me, Mario!”
DO YOU SAY ANYTHING ELSE?!
… Nothing keeps him out.
My electric bills are through the roof from 17 air conditioners just in my bedroom and yet Mario still finds some way past all the lava.
I’ve tried booby traps all over my home…
I can’t even go to the bathroom without Thwomps trying to crush me. It’s ridiculous.
Maybe next I’ll setup shop somewhere under the ocean. Good luck shooting your fireballs under water, that would make no sense, mwahaha!
All I need is a couple Porcu-Puffers, some Spike Bass and a giant Cheep-Cheep army. That should do the trick.
… until we meet again.