Dear minions,
Today, I’m going to teach you how to make lolcats.
In order to conquer the world, you need the ability to communicate with the primitive lifeforms you’re hoping to enslave. Unfortunately earthlings have devolved to the point where lolcats have become the preferred method for information distribution.
If you want to conquer Earth, you need to master the lolcat dialogue.
A well concocted treasure map...
Dear minions,
If you wish to rule an empire as an evil overlord, it’s important you send your rivals on the occasional wild goose chase. Allowing your enemies to “stumble upon” a well crafted treasure map is an ideal way to waste their time and resources.
Materials Needed:
Once you’re ready, use the following 5 simple steps to creating a well concocted treasure map…
Dear minions,
Have you been building this incredible website, but nobody seems to care?
Have you been following all the expert tips and advice, but still, nobody visits your site?
Are you sad nobody noticed you exist?
Do you wake up in the middle of the night crying because your website has only had one unique visitor, and deep down, you know this is really just you?
Do you feel sick to your stomach whenever you update your blog because you suspect you’re destined to die lonely and alone?
Congratulations. You’re pathetic. But I can help.
Dear minions,
Building an empire is not easy. The bigger you get, the more trolls and competition you must defeat to keep moving forward.
How do you stay ahead of the competition? How do you stand tall in the face of defeat?
Let me tell you…
Dear minions,
Today I was entrusted with the task of tying up a chicken. Simple as that may sound, a chicken is indeed a formidable foe that should not be underestimated.
The first thing to do when asked to tie up a chicken is desperately seek out advice from people who tie up chickens professionally. If you’re having trouble finding such a person, it’s because they’ve decided to use the fancy name of “trussing poultry” in order to describe their line of work.
Dear minions,
The recipe for a successful career as an evil overlord is really quite simple. In fact, the knowledge in this post is so powerful and revolutionary, I can’t believe I even dare to share it…
… Simply aww the audience, then profit as a consequence!
Keep reading to learn all the evil details.
Dear minions,
To have a successful career as an evil overlord you need a few essential skills. One such skill is the art of confusion…
Now pay close attention. Being literally confused is of no benefit to an evil overlord. An evil overlord must be able to unravel the most un-unravelable of mysteries. Don’t confuse the art of confusion with the state of confusion. Be the confuser, not the confused.
Keep reading to find out more young grasshopper…
Dear minions,
Today I’ve begun assembling an army of translucent jelly blobs. As you can imagine, these are no ordinary jelly blobs, unless of course jelly blobs are ordinarily translucent…
No.
It’s way too cold for Really Bears in space. Your only risk is an encounter with a Strato Bear or Polar Bear.
That’s why Russian cosmonauts travel to space with guns.
Dear minions,
It’s true, I plan to conquer the long fabled reddit hive-mind. This is a bold plan that will catapult my overlord status far beyond my wildest expectations.
But mostly, I just want to steal the reddit alien. I am obsessed with his wide array of varying attire and facial expressions.
Keep reading to find out what REWARDS await those who help me with this plan…
I'll teach you how to make less than one-hundred billion dollars in thirty days or more guaranteed! More about me...
