Dear minions,
Building an empire is not easy. The bigger you get, the more trolls and competition you must defeat to keep moving forward.
How do you stay ahead of the competition? How do you stand tall in the face of defeat?
Let me tell you…
Calamari anyone?
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Giant Squid. Not because they have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom or because their wieners (slang for penis) are 3 feet long. Nope, all of that stuff is just fine and dandy.
The problem is that giant squid make the worst possible usage of their suction cups. These guys could climb a building, play outfield for the Yankees, or even hold-up that soap tray in the shower that keeps falling. Instead, they float around their entire life, never to be employed as a plumber. With eight tentacles and hundreds of suctions cups, they could easily unclog thousands of toilets daily and contribute to the economy. You would think evolution would lead them down this path – you know survival of the fittest – because who’s going to eat a squid after it spends the day in clogged toilets. Of course, I guess that point is moot since we do presently dump sewage into the oceans and enjoy our calamari anyways…
A cow on cannabis
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Switzerland’s Agriculture Ministry. Not because I’m a carnivore and think eating helpless vegetables is cruel or because I think they should stick to making chocolate. Nope, thats all fine and dandy! The problem is when they decide to place a ban on feeding cows cannabis…
Shake what yo mama gave ya!
Today I was entrusted with the task of tying up a chicken. Simple as that may sound, a chicken is indeed a formidable foe that should not be underestimated.
The first thing to do when asked to tie up a chicken is desperately seek out advice from people who tie up chickens professionally. If you’re having trouble finding such a person, its because they’ve decided to use the fancy name of “trussing poultry” in order to describe their line of work.
One thing the professionals forget to mention is that you should always begin by making sure your chicken is dead. To do this, simply poke the chicken several times with your index finger and wait for a response. Feathers are not a vital organ so don’t assume your bird is dead even if it has none. Beware of escape attempts. The bird I am presently cooking used its slippery skin to attempt an escape when I picked it up. Approach your chicken with caution at all times.
Here is an article from the Food Network called “Truss Poultry” which provides step by step chicken trussing instructions for beginners like me:
How to Truss Poultry Instructions
The video is excellent unless, like me, you find yourself with a chicken that does not match the shape of the chicken in the video. If your chickens legs won’t cross, don’t force them too much or the leg will fall right off… 
So what do you do if your average chicken looks nothing like the big juicy ones that make it on TV? Improvise! The video suggests using a cord about three times the length of the chicken. I say, when in doubt, tie that bird up real good and use three feet of string if necessary! If it looks like an Egyptian mummy by the time it goes into the rotisserie, all the better! There’s no better way to preserve a chickens corpse.
The final step is actually cooking the chicken! Unfortunately I don’t think I’m quite qualified to offer assistance in this area yet as my mother f***** keeps catching on fire. Must be all the cord…