As an evil overlord, it’s important to have a set of quotes handy at all times in order to out-duel an adversary in a verbal showdown of wits.
Bookmark this page, more quotes are added nefariously!
As an evil overlord, it’s important to have a set of quotes handy at all times in order to out-duel an adversary in a verbal showdown of wits.
Bookmark this page, more quotes are added nefariously!
Listen, there’s a lot of Chuck Norris lists out there…
… They suck.
This is the #1 undisputed top rated Chuck Norris list of them all.
… Share it.
This list is exceedingly popular because it’s the sort of list that includes INSANE NEVER BEFORE RELEASED BONUS MATERIAL like Chuck Norris Poetry…
Jack can be nimble, and Jack can be quick,
but not even Jack can dodge a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
You see? Best list ever.
… but wait, there’s so much more!
… if you’re thinking – “Wow, one second, that’s impressive! I wonder how he’s gonna do it” – well, let me tell you, Chuck Norris can kill you with anything…
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. I mean, if there’s a corded phone around, that would work too, but you get the point. The man can improvise.
In fact, in the average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
… and if you’re thinking you can hide…
Chuck Norris knows where you live because Chuck Norris knows all the things he needs to know to find and kill you.
But more importantly, Chuck Norris knows where you die, because he has the whole thing planned out. Really, there’s not much to it, as discussed earlier, it only takes one second.
Now, if you’re thinking – “Bring it on Chuck Norris! You’re like 75 years old, I can take you” – here are some more facts you should consider…
This one time at band camp, a cobra bit Chuck Norris on the leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Also, this one time at another band camp, back when Mars was a popular destination for band camps, Chuck Norris went to band camp on Mars. Today, there are no signs of life on Mars.
An interesting fact though – Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano, so it must have been one hell of a band camp…
I can keep going, but I think you get the point.
You can run, but…
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. Including you.
Chuck Norris can win
a game of Connect Four
in three moves or less.
If that wasn’t clear, let me explain in horrifying detail what this sort of anecdote really means…
It means all the people that crossed Chuck Norris street had their hearts ripped-out from their anus by Chuck Norris, and at no point would any of the participants have had the opportunity to request an autograph or take a photo to post to Facebook.
I know it’s kind of a sad story, but Chuck Norris doesn’t really care much about feelings.
Did you know Chuck Norris can make onions cry before he chops them up?
I don’t know how he does it either because I’ve tried all sorts of things – I’ve made onions watch as I’ve chopped up their onion friends and onion relatives into tiny little pieces. I’ve chewed vigorously on onions in an omelet. I’ve even flipped around onions in a frying pan with a sizzling layer of olive oil. Nothing. The onions just always seem to take it all in stride without ever shedding a tear… Oh well.
Hey man, did you know Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards? Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further! Just imagine how far Chuck Norris can throw your lifeless body back to the other side of Chuck Norris street!
Now you might be thinking the plot of any good short story involves an action scene with a tank chase. Am I right?
… But a tank won’t help you escape Chuck Norris if you cross Chuck Norris street.
You could even have an unnecessarily big frickin’ tank with big bad-ass guns, the type not really ideal for city-driving…
… But the thing is, bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Your tank won’t protect you at all even if you lock the doors and decide to just sit there and make faces out the window.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, just by whispering… bang!
You could try killing Chuck Norris in his sleep, but Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun just so he has something to suffocate you with.
Chuck Norris still knows when someone crosses Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris can’t be fooled just by changing a street sign.
Hey man, I get it. You probably had no idea you crossed Chuck Norris street because it’s no longer named Chuck Norris which makes it very difficult to formulate any sort of ideas about it.
… But, that’s no excuse.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because nobody fools Chuck Norris. Ever.
You can of course try explaining the misunderstanding to Chuck Norris, not that it will help…
“Hey Chuck, bro, buddy, listen, I had no idea about the road… Err, well yeah, I crossed it, but it looked just like any other road… Err, no no, I’m not saying your road is ordinary, umm, it’s a very nice road? But, the sign, it didn’t mention your name… Wait, wait! Oh crap…”
… Of you.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris came before BOTH The Chicken and The Egg.
A “Handicap” parking sign doesn’t mean the spot is for handicapped people. It’s actually a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mean to beat up so many handicapped people, if they could just pay more attention to the warning signs…
If you think that’s crazy, imagine this…
Chuck Norris pours the milk first. Then he pours the cereal. Then he places the bowl. And it all works out somehow…
Maybe it has something to do with time travel because Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he just decides what time it is.
Most of the time, Chuck Norris decides it’s killing time.
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris. That’s kind of weird because Caller ID didn’t exist yet, but we’re talking about the same Chuck Norris who can cut through a hot knife with butter so I wouldn’t doubt it for a second.
Chuck Norris can even light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together. This comes in really handy when you’re stranded in the middle-of-no-where but have access to ice cubes.
Chuck plans to kill you,
You should run and hide and cry,
But you are a fool.
… Nobody can save you.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing underwear on the outside of his pants.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance”.
… Which is useless advice, because you have no chance.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it’s just afraid to move.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass at night. I’m not sure why he would do this though, what an ass.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. This happens every time he asks to use the washroom and I hate it because he pretends like he didn’t just punch my mirror again for no reason.
Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone. That’s just perfect because honestly who doesn’t enjoy having that conversation with some asshat when they pickup the phone.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn, he stares at it and dares it to grow. Do you know how stupid he looks when he does this? I mow his lawn just to make him stop, but he swears it works.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles because hair doesn’t grow on steel. This wastes a lot of time at airports when women at security are forced to look-into-this matter; dirty-old-bastard.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise!!! I’m not really sure how you go about destroying the periodic table and sometimes wonder if maybe Chuck is just sitting in a room somewhere ripping up pieces of paper… But then I realized this is probably Chuck Norris’ scientific way of saying he’s going to suffocate me, you know, by taking away all the oxygen.
Most importantly though…
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding and I really don’t want to end up always hiding in crowds wearing the same clothes.
Ok, now it’s over.
Hey man, before Chuck Norris has a chance to kill you, why not check out these other hilarious lists:
In order to rule an empire, you need a bunch of sarcastic catchphrases.
In fact, if you read the Evil Overlord job description, you’ll notice the Big Boss must always be the most witty member of any evil-cast of villains.
Ruling an empire isn’t about big muscles or being a tough guy. The macho stuff is great for henchmen…
For an Evil Overlord, you need to be a mastermind. An evil genius. A hoopy frood who’s insanely brilliant!
… and to prove your superior intelligence, you need a bunch of witty quotes to constantly insult your minions!
Because it’s important to keep your minions on their toes…
… attentive and ready to serve.
And most importantly…
To avoid unpleasant uprisings and the sorts of situations that arise when confident co-workers start to believe they can do your job, you need your minions to be reminded that when compared to you, they are good for nothing.
Hey man, I’m not just some one-trick-pony who’s only skill is World Domination.
… I’m also the ultimate master of quotes lists!
If you want to conquer the world, it helps to know a lot of famous quotes because knowing quotes tricks people into thinking you’re some sort of wise intellectual.
Take a look:
If you’ve got an itch, The Bear Claw Back Scratcher is the most satisfying itch relief tool in the shape of a bear claw on the market.
Neanderthals have used bear claws to cure itching for centuries!
With your very own Bear Claw Back Scratcher you can remove any itch within 22 inches. That’s enough inches to put any itchy itches in itch relief reach!
No itch will ever withstand the ferociously satisfying scratch that comes with every Bear Claw Back Scratcher.
Best of all, the Bear Claw Back Scratcher is made of walnut and white pine so you never have to worry about whether or not it’s a real bear claw…
… It’s not a real bear claw!
It’s a masterfully crafted piece of therapeutic wood that will provide years of enjoyment.
Yes, the Bear Claw Back Scratcheris the best back scratching bear claw ever used to scratch backs.
It’s 87% more scratch effective than the severed bear limbs used by Neanderthals.
Today’s state-of-the-art bear claws have improved every aspect of back scratching:
Let’s face it, scratching with actual bear limbs is an ancient technique.
You can’t just use an ordinary stick and hope for some miracle your itches go away…
Don’t you think Neanderthals would have tried scratching with sticks before wrestling bears to the death? Are you going to argue with centuries of ancient itch relieving science?
Scratching with some unfashionable stick in public looks ridiculous; pull out your Bear Claw Back Scratcher, it’s portable!!!
You can relieve yourself anywhere you feel itchy.
Bring it to the park so you can sit on a bench with someone homeless…
… Or to the grocery store near some fruit that cause a rash if you’re allergic.
But especially bring it to meetings with insurance salesmen, if you weren’t itchy before you will be in a moment.
The Bear Claw Back scratcher is a wonderfully handcrafted piece of wall art!
Why do you think it comes with a brass chain? It’s so you can hang your bear claw in the living room for everyone to observe it’s ferocious grasp!
With the Bear Claw Back Scratcher hanging in your home, your walls will boast that confident “unscratchable itches are a thing of the past” look that will leave your your guests scratching their heads in amazement.
You can scratch your back at home, you can scratch your back alone.
You can even scratch that itch while you be textin’ on that phone.
You can do it in a car,
… You can do it on a bus.
You can even do it upside-down because right-side-up wasn’t fuss enough.
You can do it as first-base coach, or while eating an ice cream cone.
You can even do it with your pants down while you’re sitting on the throne.
You can scratch while in pajamas.
… You can help some itchy llamas.
You can do the sorts of things you never could just with bananas.
If you’re worried about comfort, don’t worry because the Bear Claw Back Scratcher has a very comfortable wood handle that’s perfect for gripping with precisely calculated firmness.
The wood grain can be grasped tightly, softly, or with rugged disregard, it doesn’t matter because you will always experience the deep-calming aura of total relaxation.
I used to scratch my back like some hippy in private… Now I scratch with style, class, and total indifference for the people sitting around me in movie theatres!. — Bob
oooh la la…it’s heaven. — Bob
Everybody gets itchy, stick this bear claw in Holiday stockings, what a stuffer for gift exchanges!!! — Bob
Removes itches from any size body!! — Bob
Gave my wife a bouquet of these instead of flowers!! — Bob
So pretty! And functional. Even versatile. Surprisingly not combustible! — Bob
The Bear Claw Back Scratcher doesn’t come with ferocious little bear prints imprinted on the handle, but I’ve painted some on myself with the appropriate tribal paints I’ve been telling my therapist about. — Bob
Are you thinking, “I need a scratch…”?
It’s time to set your fingers free from the rigorous wear and tear vigor’s of bodily scratching.
It’s time to get seriously satisfying itch relief with The Bear Claw Back Scratcher!
I’d really like to get a big barrel.
… not like a barrel of monkeys, just a big barrel. I think there’s a lot of interesting things to do with a big barrel.
If I got a big barrel of monkeys, I would empty out the monkeys and keep the barrel, because the monkeys just take up space and are also good for nothing.
I think I would have a lot of good times with a a big barrel.
If someone gave me a small barrel of monkeys, I wouldn’t even bother, because it has to be a big barrel for the things I have planned. Also, it’s harder to get monkeys out of a smaller barrel and I don’t need all the hassle.
2 – Second of all, I would put someone else inside the barrel, cover it up, and roll it around in circles. Then I would roll it around in other shapes. Eventually I would roll it down a hill. This seems like a fun thing I would enjoy to do with my big barrel.
3 – Third of all, I would tip the barrel over and try to stand upon it. This would be really tricky to do without falling, but once mastered, I think I would be very popular at parties. If I ever decided to become a pirate, I think all the practice standing on my big barrel would help me have good balance on a boat.
4 – Fourth of all, I would flip the barrel upside down and play it like a drum. For the occasion I would wear a camouflage outfit and slather my body in tribal paints because until I had a big barrel, I could never pull this off.
5 – Fifth of all, I would name my barrel Murphy and draw him a smiley face. I would fill Murphy with beer and ask him to pass me a drink. Some days Murphy and I would talk about the weather or sports, or maybe the obliteration of all other lifeforms. Murphy would always keep a smile, no matter my mood and no matter which of the other top four things to do with a big barrel I would do with him. Some nights we would make love, but we wouldn’t tell anyone and we wouldn’t know how to do it.
I’d really like to get a big barrel. If you join the World Domination Newsletter, I’ll let you know if I ever do.
If you’ve ever felt the need to massage your scalp, these Kikkerland Head Massagers are the greatest thing since processed sliced cheese.
Listen, I’ve used a lot of scalp massagers in my time, and nothing beats the brilliant tingling sensation you will get from using these pastel colored head massagers.
The head massager by Kikkerland is the fastest way to instant relaxation. I’m not just saying that because it’s written word-for-word in the product description – this innovative massager is seriously a stainless steel conduit of healing energy.
If you think I’m bullshitting you, check out the reviews on Amazon.
Seriously, go check it out. There are thousands of positive reviews.
Once you try the Kikkerland head massager you’ll buy one for everyone you know. That includes people you hate because this incredible head massage can make anyone less irritable.
Trying to conquer the world is a stressful endeavor. Massaging your scalp with the Kikkerland head massager relieves tension as it softly massages acupressure points and stimulates sensitive nerves. It will increase blood circulation and provide deep relaxation that helps reduce stress.
Also, you can tell the ladies it’s 9 inches. Trust me, they won’t be disappointed when you pull it out.
Ready to try it out? Go get your Kikkerland Head Massager!
… they’re even pet friendly!
If you want to conquer the world, it helps to make shitloads of money online so you can pay for things like sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads.
The problem is, I bet you’ve already tried making money online…
I bet you’ve failed miserably…
I bet you’ve convinced yourself there must be some logical explanation for your failure other than complete incompetency…
The thing is…
Don’t worry, I can help.
Don’t panic, it happens to everybody.
Chihuahua’s are a serious problem when it comes to making money online because they’re cute, and tiny, and you can’t stop looking at them no matter how ridiculous their hairdos.
… Doing work is hard.
… Getting distracted is easy.
I used to spend all day looking at chihuahuas.
Chihuahua’s with dreadlocks. Chihuahua’s with comb-overs. Chihuahua’s with afros and little hairpicks stuck in there to make some sort of fashion statement nobody will ever understand.
I was poised to conquer the world, but instead I found myself distracted and drawn into life as a doggie hair stylist, spending my time collecting photographs of well coiffed chihuahuas. I spiraled deep into this dark and lonely place. I barely made it out. To this day, I can only look at chihuahuas in hoodies for fear of falling back into old habits.
Don’t make the same mistake.
Chihuahua’s are holding you back and you need to stop them before it’s too late.
Making money online is easy. Just start a website, slap on some ads, and attract several million visitors.
If you join the World Domination Newsletter, I’ll send you my greatest secrets.
… I’ll teach you to conquer YOUR world.
… I’ll help you defeat YOUR chihuahua.
If I can make money blogging about the obliteration of the universe, I’m pretty sure you can make money writing about absolutely anything.
You can do it too.
… For some people, it’s Facebook.
…. For most people it’s porn.
… Personally, I’m distracted by barrels with no monkeys inside.
The shape of your chihuahua doesn’t matter, it’s a distraction that’s holding you back.
STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR CHIHUAHUA!
DON’T TOUCH YOUR CHIHUAHUA!
If I can make money online after sentences like that, you know there’s still hope for you…
… Honestly, I encourage you to really go at it.
Embrace all the joys, take in all the pleasures, and have all the fun you can get out of playing with your chihuahua.
But, if you want to make money online, you need to separate play-time and work-time.
When you do decide to start working, keep the chihuahua out of the room. Don’t touch it. Don’t even think about it.
… No distractions.
… Work during work time, play during chihuahua time.
Chihuahua time will be extra fun, and work time will be more productive than ever because even just a little bit of work is more work than most people ever do.
It’s that simple, but…
… incredibly difficult for most people.
Do you want to be broke and completely useless forever?
Just punch yourself in the face and be done with it.
If you focus 100% of your attention on one task for 30 minutes you’ll be amazed how much you can accomplish.
The only thing standing between YOU and YOUR DREAMS is YOU. I know this sounds stupid because that means there are two of you and one is being an asshole, but trust me, that’s just the way it is.
… If that work is a load of crap, you’re still NOT going to make any money.
But, if you happen to be working on a USEFUL PRODUCT instead of playing with your chihuahua, YES, you will start making money online.
It’s not magic.
It’s people without frickin’ common sense attached to their frickin’ heads.
The best thing you can do is subscribe to the World Domination Newsletter for more tips and advice.
… I’ll teach you how to stand out from the crowd.
… I’ll teach you how to make sure people notice you exist.
… I’ll teach you how to use that lump of meat inside your head.
I’ll teach you how to make less than one-hundred billion dollars in thirty days or more, guaranteed!
If you’re ready to get started, join the World Domination Newsletter!
Everyone seems to have this useless lump of meat inside their head.
They carry it around everywhere they go.
… and worst of all, the lump of meat is a freeloader.
It asks for stuff all the time. It wants videos, gossip, and news updates. It wants food, alcohol, and sex.
It demands constant stimulation, after-all it’s just a lump of meat, what else can it do really?
… of course all of this is a giant load of crap!
You’re brainwashed by a lump of meat…
Wouldn’t it be nice if that lump of meat did something useful for a change?
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could use that lump of meat to become rich, famous, and get all those unnecessary things you’ve always ever wanted in life?
… but wait, all your dreams can come true!
All you have to do is set some goals.
You know, like some sort of life objectives…
This tends to be all the stuff you think about just before the lump of meat distracts you with an important Hollywood update about who’s sleeping with who, and who hasn’t slept much recently, and who could really use a good hard sleep to really improve their mood.
Enough is enough.
You can’t conquer the world sitting around doing nothing…
Talk to the lump of meat inside your head about setting some goals.
Do it right now.
It’s going to be very difficult at first because you don’t use the lump of meat very often and it’s all useless and out-of-shape.
… and the lump of meat is going to resist.
It’s going to nag you about all the other instant gratifications you could be wasting your time on instead.
… and as soon as you cave and give-in to any demands, the lump of meat will reward you, pumping you full of endorphin’s to try and keep you happy about all this nonsense.
The lump of meat doesn’t care if your body falls apart and decays.
It doesn’t care if you spend your life sitting on the couch, smoking, drinking, eating, and giving in to every possible temptation that you know is bad for you.
… look, it’s a lump of meat, and you’re letting it run the show.
It’s time you take control and start calling the shots.
It’s time you start living your life, because life is short and well…
… I know, it sucks balls.
When I found out I was going to drop dead, I panicked, and I nearly dropped dead.
Don’t let a lump of meat ruin your life.
Cravings and addictions are just how your lump of meat throws temper-tantrums.
You’re the boss.
Set some goals and don’t let that lump of meat push you around or make you do anything stupid that will stand in the way of achieving those goals.
Hey man, it’s going to be rough, and you’ll probably fail…
If it were easy, don’t you think there would be a whole lot more rich and successful people chilling on sunny beaches all over the world?
… it’s up to you.
Learn to use that lump of meat inside your head before it’s too late.
Listen, we can have a whole debate about chickens and eggs.
… like, of course the first chicken had to come out of an egg so obviously the egg came first.
But, then everybody gets bent out of shape because who laid that egg? Wasn’t it a chicken?
… some dude, who wasn’t a chicken and who wasn’t a dude, laid an egg – and by some freak genetic mutation – out popped a chicken.
But, then everybody still gets bent out of shape because who laid that freak-containing egg? Are you sure it wasn’t a chicken?
… this sort of thing can go on for quite a while until eventually some very smart and sophisticated person gets a little frustrated and starts shouting stuff like,
“LISTEN YOU IDIOTS DINOSAURS LAID EGGS MILLIONS OF YEARS BEFORE CHICKENS EVEN EXISTED SO THERE’S NO DOUBT THE EGG CAME BEFORE THE CHICKEN.
But, then everybody gets bent out of shape because who laid that first dinosaur egg? Are you sure it wasn’t a chicken?
Who gives a shit, they’re both delicious.
If you want to conquer the world, you can’t get hung up on the small stuff.
Interested in more brilliant insight?
Join the World Domination Newsletter!