Category Archives: Overlord Rants

Potatoes Planted on Overlords Lawn, Evil not Pleased…

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A quizzical potato head

When someone plants potatoes on my lawn I get upset. It’s not that I dislike potatoes – in fact I find them quite tasty and aesthetically pleasing. The problem is WTF?!

Don’t mess with an evil overlords lawn if you know what’s good for you.

When it comes to my lawn, I have a very simple rule: My lawn should not contain potatoes, reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

If you plant potatoes on my lawn, there will be consequences. I will retaliate. Don’t think that because I’m an evil overlord I don’t have access to my own arsenal of vegetables.

You will pay.

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Even Evil Overlords Want to Protect the Environment

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Green Spray Painted Mountain

Going green with spray paint?

You know what really makes me want to plunge? Spray painting mountains green in order to answer calls for more attention to environmental protection.

Wait, an actual mountain was spray painted green?!?

Yup. It’s actually quite impressive. Not because they managed to paint an entire mountain green, but because this was an approved government project. Take a moment to consider what something like this involves…

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How to Handle an Encounter with a Giant Squid

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A very giant squid

Calamari anyone?

You know what really makes me want to plunge? Giant Squid. Not because they have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom or because their wieners (slang for penis) are 3 feet long. Nope, all of that stuff is just fine and dandy.

The problem is that giant squid make the worst possible usage of their suction cups. These guys could climb a building, play outfield for the Yankees, or even hold-up that soap tray in the shower that keeps falling. Instead, they float around their entire life, never to be employed as a plumber. With eight tentacles and hundreds of suctions cups, they could easily unclog thousands of toilets daily and contribute to the economy. You would think evolution would lead them down this path – you know survival of the fittest – because who’s going to eat a squid after it spends the day in clogged toilets. Of course, I guess that point is moot since we do presently dump sewage into the oceans and enjoy our calamari anyways…

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Why the Ban on Feeding Cows Cannabis is Cruel

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You know what really makes me want to plunge? Switzerland’s Agriculture Ministry. Not because I’m a carnivore and think eating helpless vegetables is cruel or because I think they should stick to making chocolate. Nope, thats all fine and dandy! The problem is when they decide to place a ban on feeding cows cannabis…

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Shave Me Baby One More Time

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By now you have heard the very important news being broadcast across North America… Britney Spears entered a drug rehabilitation facility in Antigua and another in Malibu. In the process, she got a tattoo and shaved off all her hair.

I’m so thankful for the media, imagine what my life would be had I missed this breaking news! But lets stay focused and take a deeper look into what’s going on here…

Do you think Britney Spears shaved her head because she is mildly psychotic? Of course not! Britney Spears shaved off her hair because she wanted to re-experience the joyous moments of her youth. Ask Dr. Phil. I’m sure he’d explain that Britney’s bald babies reminded her of happier times during her childhood. She realized that the only logical way to re-experience such happiness would be to return to her childhood via narcotics and head shaving. According to this article, time travel is theoretically possible, so decide for yourself if you think Britney Spears is a cutting edge scientist or a victim of Post-partum psychosis.

Thankfully, BritneySpears.com is asking people to send their thoughts and inspiration. Britney desperately needs our help, so I sent a letter!

“Dear Britney Spears,

I know you may have lost contact with reality and probably don’t realize that your vivid hallucinations and delusions are unrealistic. Delusions typically occur in the context of neurological or mental illness and are associated with many psychotic disorders, including schizophrenia. Don’t let your paranoia get you down or lead you to irrational or excessive behaviour. We need you to get better. Our lives are dependent on your constant presence in the media, we need our fix. You know what that’s like.

I think it’s great that your website has taken the initiative to have all your 12 year old fans send you letters of support. You’re their role model, it’s important they learn that success and substance abuse go hand in hand. We’re here for you. Imagine if you were poor, homeless or living in a third world country. You’d be in real need, but we’d never hear about you in the news. You’d end up facing your psychosis and starvation alone. We won’t let that happen. We’ll make sure the media knows we want you. We really don’t care if you get better or not, we just know media and pop culture have dictated your importance so that we don’t bother politicians about wars in Iraq or climate change.

Hope you’re well soon, we need you to keep us deluded!”