Category Archives: Celebrity

Shave Me Baby One More Time

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By now you have heard the very important news being broadcast across North America… Britney Spears entered a drug rehabilitation facility in Antigua and another in Malibu. In the process, she got a tattoo and shaved off all her hair.

I’m so thankful for the media, imagine what my life would be had I missed this breaking news! But lets stay focused and take a deeper look into what’s going on here…

Do you think Britney Spears shaved her head because she is mildly psychotic? Of course not! Britney Spears shaved off her hair because she wanted to re-experience the joyous moments of her youth. Ask Dr. Phil. I’m sure he’d explain that Britney’s bald babies reminded her of happier times during her childhood. She realized that the only logical way to re-experience such happiness would be to return to her childhood via narcotics and head shaving. According to this article, time travel is theoretically possible, so decide for yourself if you think Britney Spears is a cutting edge scientist or a victim of Post-partum psychosis.

Thankfully, BritneySpears.com is asking people to send their thoughts and inspiration. Britney desperately needs our help, so I sent a letter!

“Dear Britney Spears,

I know you may have lost contact with reality and probably don’t realize that your vivid hallucinations and delusions are unrealistic. Delusions typically occur in the context of neurological or mental illness and are associated with many psychotic disorders, including schizophrenia. Don’t let your paranoia get you down or lead you to irrational or excessive behaviour. We need you to get better. Our lives are dependent on your constant presence in the media, we need our fix. You know what that’s like.

I think it’s great that your website has taken the initiative to have all your 12 year old fans send you letters of support. You’re their role model, it’s important they learn that success and substance abuse go hand in hand. We’re here for you. Imagine if you were poor, homeless or living in a third world country. You’d be in real need, but we’d never hear about you in the news. You’d end up facing your psychosis and starvation alone. We won’t let that happen. We’ll make sure the media knows we want you. We really don’t care if you get better or not, we just know media and pop culture have dictated your importance so that we don’t bother politicians about wars in Iraq or climate change.

Hope you’re well soon, we need you to keep us deluded!”

Colbert Suspected in Murder of Captain America

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You know who really makes me want to plunge? Stephen Colbert. Colbert conveniently inherited Captain America’s shield following the characters death and is rumoured to have thus been inducted honorarily as a character in the Marvel Universe. The shield was initially reported as missing, but later turned up in the hands of Colbert on television during Comedy Central’s, “The Colbert Report”. Colbert claims Steve Rogers (i.e. Captain America!) bequethed the shield to him in his Will. S.H.I.E.L.D. is currently investigating the validity of the Will.

While Colbert bids farewell to Captain America, one has to wonder, did he do it? Did Stephen Colbert murder Captain America? One may argue that he lacks the qualities of a super hero villain, but what if Stephen Colbert is really the alter ego of Crossbones or Dr.Faustus?! Let’s not forget Colbert’s performance at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner… According to Michael Scherer, “Stephen Colbert is a dangerous man — a bomb thrower, an assassin, a terrorist with boring hair and rimless glasses. It’s a wonder the Secret Service let him so close to the president of the United States.”

Colbert has appeared in Maxim Online and People Magazine as one of the sexiest men alive. How many political satirists with boring hair and rimless glasses have been declared sexy before Colbert? It’s never been done before. It can’t be done. At least not on looks alone, which is why Colbert needs to maintain a bad-boy image to impress the ladies. Bad enough to kill Captain America? I think so…

If you think the evidence ends there you’re wrong! When Captain America realized his fight against the Registration Act was putting the lives of civilians in danger, he ordered the anti-Registration forces to stand down. Colbert, who had a vested interest in the liberty of the super-powered beings via his ice cream business (i.e. Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream – …the sweet taste of liberty…), could not allow the fight against registration to be lost, and thus needed to murder Captain America in order to allow a new leader, possibly Punisher, to continue the battle!

You see, the Comics Code Authority (CCA) was created to regulate the content of comic books and prevents super-powered beings from consuming alcohol. With beer outlawed to super-beings, Colbert’s ice cream business makes a fortune. It’s like when the sale of alcohol was made illegal in the United States during the prohibition between 1920-1933 and the demand for ice cream soared up by 71%.

Motive for murder?

Motive for murder?

Think about it. Without the registration act, Colbert sells plenty of ice cream. But, with the registration act, all registered super-beings gain civilian rights while unmasked. Therefore with the registration act, super-beings would finally be allowed to grab a beer after work! This would be devastating to Colbert’s ice cream business… Ladies and gentlemen, that is motive for murder! Colbert needed Captain America dead to ensure the fight against registration continued so that super-beings remained outlawed from consuming alcohol.

Do not let the fact that Captain America is a comic book character stand in the way of justice. Stephen Colbert must pay for the crimes he has committed! Get out your plungers and stand up for Steve Rogers.

Don’t let fiction and reality become two separate entities!