I just found out elves are 8 inches tall.
I know this because I measured an elf and it was 8 inches tall.
This is quite remarkable because it’s not every day you get to measure an elf. Most often what happens when an elf walks by is…
“Shit I don’t have my measuring tape!!”.
You’ll tap and check your pockets just in case, but who walks around with a measuring tape in their pocket?
I got lucky. I saw this elf on a construction site hiding cordless drill batteries inside of lunch bags. Eventually I found a measuring tape inside a coffee thermos.
“Hi elf, can I measure you?”.
It’s ok to walk up to an elf and ask this. I know because that’s what I did and the elf didn’t draw a moustache on my face or shave off my eyebrows. The elf just stopped to think about it then replied…
“Ok, but only if you measure me diagonally.”.
It takes a solid understanding of trigonometry to figure out how tall elves are.
If you don’t have a measuring tape in your pocket it’s best to just give up. It’s not a good idea to abduct an elf to measure it later because the problem with kidnapping elves is that they love it. They’re always looking for some excuse to sneak inside your home to cause mischief.
Even if you try asking polite…
“Hi elf, can you tell me how tall are you?”
An elf will say…
“NEVER!!! Throw me in your trunk AND tie me to a chair in your basement!!! That’s the only way you’ll ever FIND OUT!!!”.
This is a trick.
It doesn’t matter what you tie an elf up with, they always escape. The moment you turn your back, they’re knotting your shoelaces together, writing “Kick Me!” signs, and putting shaving cream inside your gloves and hat.
You could hire a cement truck to dump a load of concrete on an elf, only to find out later the elf was the one driving the truck and everything in your basement is now super glued to the floor. It’s holiday magic.
Once an elf is set loose in your house it takes 24 days before they get bored and move out.
At night you’ll hear tiny footsteps running in the attic…
You’ll see shadows dancing back and forth along the walls.
At 2AM you’ll hear hammering and power tools in the basement followed by the sounds of laughter and high-fives…
Good luck calling an exterminator and explaining you’ve got an elf.
“An elf you say… And it’s causing mischief in your house?”
“Yes, it switched my toothpaste with one flavored spicy jalapeno!!”
Every morning you’ll wake up to find some new disaster.
Some nights a rock band will play hits from Metallica in your kitchen.
Listen, just trust me. Elves are 8 inches tall.