Dear minions,

You’ll be happy to hear the search for the elusive Higgs boson (i.e. God particle) continues at the 27-kilometer long underground Large Hadron Collider (LHC) near Geneva. This means you still have a chance to conquer the higgs field and control all the mass of the universe.

Or do you…?

Recent reports suggest the higgs boson has already been found in a woman’s bosom. Details below.

What is the Higgs boson?

According to the Standard Model, the Higgs boson is the particle that gives mass to all other particles.

The Higgs boson is the only Standard Model particle that has not been observed. It’s elusive…

Why do scientists think they can find the Higgs boson in an underground tunnel?

By smashing particles into each other, scientists can create mysterious particles that are impossible to observe any other way. The large hadron collider allows scientists to smash molecules into each other at near the speed of light.

Scientists hope to find evidence for the elusive Higgs boson in the debris.

Has the higgs boson really been found in a woman’s bosom?

According to the theory of Quantum Tantrics, the Higgs boson is a woman’s bosom.

The theory evolved out of a simple repeated observation: Men exposed to a woman’s bosom often proclaim godliness with quotes like, “oh my god!”, “thank you god”, or “check it out, I god wood”…

And so the question was raised, are men witnessing the god particle?

Evidence that the higgs boson is a woman’s bosom

Exposure to a woman’s bosom leads to hard collisions. When male and female human bodies are collided together, particles accelerated into a woman’s tunnel can lead to the creation of life-forms with mass. The truth has been right in front of us all this time… A woman’s bosom creates mass.

Further evidence, such as the gravitational pull women exert on men and the mass gained by male organs when exposed to the bosom support this theory. A woman’s bosom is the higgs boson.

The facts erected here don’t lie, women overlords have the potential to control all mass in the universe. If you have doubts, feel free to reproduce these conclusions experimentally, this is solid science.

Now I really want bosom, I mean boson.

Never underestimate a lady overlord. Women control the higgs field.

If the theory of Quantum Tantrics is correct, then women already have the power to control the higgs field…

Never underestimate a lady overlord, the force is with them.

In their bosom.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Dominiation - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

Dear minions,

Canada is under attack!

If you want to be a Canadian overlord why not take advantage of the situation… Keep reading to find out more.

Wait… Who is Attacking Canada?

As the globe continues to heat up, armies of bergs have fled the North on a southward invasion path towards Canada.

Why do the Bergs Blame Canada?

The bergs are an island nation endangered by global warming, ironically created by global warming. The survival of the bergs depend on the reduction of greenhouse gas emissions and Canada is the biggest offender below the freezing limit.

Unfortunately for Canadians, the bergs need all hell to freeze over… and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

If that’s just the tip… OMG not the NARWHALS?!?!

Do you have any idea what the street value of iceberg is? A source of water so pure that contaminants are undetectable… So pure that it is used to make iceberg vodka…

Do you think the narwhals will float idle while Canada takes their bergs? Never. Narwhals are jedi’s of the sea. They are unicorns with flippers.

The narwhals are coming.

You’ve been warned.

As a Canadian Overlord, how do I take advantage of the situation?

Invasions are often an opportunity for new and aspiring overlords to make a name for themselves. But, who do you side with? The bergs? The narwhals? The Canadians?!

Think strategically.

If you want to occupy Canada you must put yourself above any one particular allegiance.

An evil overlord always has a clear understanding of the bigger picture. If you want to rise to power, maximize support and minimize resistance. Do not be a fool – resistance is not futile, it is a pain in the ass.

How to Occupy Canada like an Evil Overlord

In this situation, an evil overlord knows to side with the environment.

By taking a stance against greenhouse gases, the bergs know you’re trying to save them from a horrible liquified demise. The narwhals are pleased you support a return of their vodka supply to the north. The Canadians are happy you saved them from annihilation and appoint you supreme commander of the realm.

Maximize support, minimize resistance. Make everyone happy. That is how you occupy Canada like an evil overlord.

eh?

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Dominiation - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

If you hope to achieve world domination, you need a sound business strategy… World domination is a never-ending game of chess. If your plan has a flaw, you’re going to lose.

Dominos, which plans to sell pizza on the moon, will never enslave humanity to an eternal diet of pizza.

The plan for a Dominos pizza moon base is flawed…

No matter the temptation, an evil overlord must never endeavor to sell pizza on the moon. A pizza is made delicious by the combination of toppings. The lack of a significant gravitational force on the moon is a game-ending obstacle for the preparation of pizza.

I’m sure Dominos will argue it can be done – there is some gravity after all. It’s not like the anchovies and olives will float around like they would on the International Space Station… but they’ll still be difficult to manage. Pizza will never be delivered in under 30 minutes.

And even if Dominos does get a pizza business up and running on the moon, they will never succeed… A real evil overlord will quickly put them out of business selling pizza pockets next door.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Dominiation - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

A well concocted treasure map...

Dear minions,

If you wish to rule an empire as an evil overlord, it’s important you send your rivals on the occasional wild goose chase. Allowing your enemies to “stumble upon” a well crafted treasure map is an ideal way to waste their time and resources.

Materials Needed:

• paper
• pen
• used tea bag (I’ve had success with earl grey. I do not recommend green tea or red berry…
• paper towel
• cooking oil

Once you’re ready, use the following 5 simple steps to creating a well concocted treasure map…

Step 1: Concoct a most mysterious plot…

The most important element of a well concocted map is to make the end-game appear achievable. Dangle hope just slightly outside of reach. Make the prize always seem to be around the next corner.

You don’t want your rivals shrugging off the opportunity to find unimaginable fortunes of loot. The beginning of the map must be easy so that the decision is taken to invest in the search… You want them to become fully entrenched in the mystery.

Your rivals must be able to follow the clues and receive feedback that they are on the right track. The locations must be real.

A nice touch is to sign the map with the initials of a villain whose well documented fortunes have never been discovered.

Step 2: Draw the treasure map…

Draw the map on a piece of white paper using black ink. Include compass points and written clues that will be clear enough to get the search started, but cryptic enough to keep it going for a long time.

Do not use straight lines. Those who use treasure maps to hide loot are never well versed in the art of geometry. I recommend squiggles, blotches and angles that cannot be accurately protracted.

Step 3: Add an authentic touch…

You want the treasure map to look old. Your rivals probably won’t carbon date the map, but if your paper is a standard printer-friendly ISO size like 8×11, this is suspicious…

Tear the edges off the map so it’s original size cannot be identified. Wipe a wet tea bag over both sides of the map to turn the paper a light brown color for an additional aging effect. Crumple up the map into a ball and let it dry over night.

Step 4: Final touches…

Gently open the map, and wipe both sides with cooking oil. Tea-bagging is great, but it’s not enough. Cooking oil will add an authentic crunch.

Blot off the excess cooking oil with paper towels. It is important to blot, not wipe. Never wipe a treasure map.

Finally, burn the edges of the map. I really don’t know why, but for some reason treasure maps are always burnt rather than kept in pristine condition in air-tight containers.

Step 5: Hide the map…

Hide the treasure map somewhere it will be discovered by your rival. Don’t make it obvious, they need to feel like they found the map, not like it’s a setup…

There is no need to rush, an evil overlord is patient. If your rival does not find the map for several years, that’s fine. It might even be better.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Dominiation - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

Dear minions,

Building an empire is not easy. The bigger you get, the more trolls and competition you must defeat to keep moving forward.

How do you stay ahead of the competition? How do you stand tall in the face of defeat?

Let me tell you…

#1 – Evil Overlords Don’t Wear Pants.

Evil Overlords have big balls. Even the ladies. No pants can contain the massive balls of an evil overlord.

(Lesson: Be unique. Be confident.)

#2 – Evil Overlord Don’t Think Outside the Box.

Evil Overlords don’t think outside the box. They stand outside the box, put you in, close the lid, and call it a day.

(Lesson: Be creative. Always stay a step ahead.)

#3 – Evil Overlords Don’t Mow The Lawn.

Trolls are tiny, annoying, little creatures that normally live symbiotic relationships with the commenting systems of blogging platforms.

By allowing your lawn to grow into a grassland paradise, Earl will move-in and eat your trolls.

(Lesson: Ignore the trolls, your minions will take care of them.)

#4 – Evil Overlords Don’t Judge a Book by it’s Cover.

Sometimes the ugly duckling has the biggest balls. See #1.

(Lesson: Appreciate everybody. Underestimate nobody.)

#5 – Evil Overlords Don’t Push the Big Red Button.

Evil Overlords never panic. They never over-react. They never hit the self-destruct button.

Evil Overlords patiently wait for opportunities then make the most of them. Like a cat. Ready to pounce.

(Lesson: Be patient. Take steps to reach your goals.)

#6 – Evil Overlords Don’t Have a Clue. For you.

Good luck trying to understand the inner-working of an overlords mind. You’ll never know what an evil overlord is truly up to.

If an evil overlord gives you a clue, it’s because they wanted to.

(Lesson: Be strategic. Always have a plan B. And C.)

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Dominiation - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

When someone plants potatoes on my lawn I get upset. It’s not that I dislike potatoes – in fact I find them quite tasty and aesthetically pleasing. The problem is WTF?!

Don’t mess with an evil overlords lawn if you know what’s good for you.

When it comes to my lawn, I have a very simple rule: My lawn should not contain potatoes, reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

If you plant potatoes on my lawn, there will be consequences. I will retaliate. Don’t think that because I’m an evil overlord I don’t have access to my own arsenal of vegetables.

You will pay.

Planting potatoes on my lawn makes you a cheap villain.

Potatoes are one of the cheapest vegetables you can buy. If you plant potatoes on my lawn, you’re a cheap bastard.

If you want some respect, plant some asparagus on my lawn. Or how about a f***ing Halloween pumpkin, I’m an evil overlord remember?

Planting potatoes on my lawn makes you cheap villain scum.

You will pay.

If you think you’re a hero, you need to get a life.

If you think planting potatoes on my lawn makes you the good guy, you’re wrong. You’re no hero. Heroes pull swords from stone, they don’t plant vegetables in dirt.

Plating potatoes on my lawn makes you an assh*le. Robin Hood would give those potatoes to the poor.

You will pay.

Throwing potatoes is more effective.

Is it really necessary to plant potatoes on my lawn? Launching potatoes would be far more effective. Spudz invading from the sky – now that would freak me out. Not to mention walking on the fallen invaders would prove difficult…

But planting potatoes on my lawn – that’s just annoying. And confusing.

Is this some form of vengeance? Are you an angry landscapers escaped from my dungeons? Did your mother not love you as a child? Are you experimenting with genetically modified potatoes?

You will pay.

If you’re trying to raise an army from the ground, you misread the manual.

If you’re trying to raise an army of zombies, planting potatoes won’t help. You need corpses. And a sorcerer.

What kind of low self-esteem evil spirit would possess a potato? Seriously, you’re a newb.

You will pay.

Keep your potatoes away from my lawn.

It’s a simple request.

Keep your potatoes away from my lawn, or I’ll boil-em, mash-em and stick-em in a stew.

You will pay.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Dominiation - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

Going green with spray paint?

You know what really makes me want to plunge? Spray painting mountains green in order to answer calls for more attention to environmental protection.

Wait, an actual mountain was spray painted green?!?

Yup. It’s actually quite impressive. Not because they managed to paint an entire mountain green, but because this was an approved government project. Take a moment to consider what something like this involves…

• Pressure is put on China to be more environmentally friendly. Someone mistakenly says, “Hey, you guys need to go green!”.
• A meeting is called, people gather to discuss the problem. The question is asked, “How do we go green? Any good ideas?”
• Someone jumps up from the crowd and suggests, “Let’s cover some barren land with green toxic paint, that will solve the problem! It will show the world we can go green!”
• The idea is discussed and debated. It’s even improved. “Let’s do this on a mountain, so the world can really see our renewed efforts to go green!”.
• Against all odds, the project is approved.
• $60,600 is spent on putting the plan into action.

Requirements gathering – Important in all areas of life…

This isn’t the case of a crazy person running around with a can of spray paint. Somewhere along the way, this plan could have been trashed, but no – it lived on, was approved, and financed. In my software engineering world, this is a clear case of the implementation not satisfying the requirements. Sure they went green, but the objective of improving the environment was not met, not by a long shot.

Even Evil Overlords want to Protect the Environment

$60,600 worth of toxic paint could have been used to purchase 13,060 pounds of Perenniall Ryegrass seeds, enough to cover 1,632,343 square feet. The end result would also have been a green hillside, with plenty of seeds leftover to feed an entire fleet of remote controlled pigeons.

If you’re ever stuck choosing between grass and spray paint, go with the grass – it’s a renewable resource. If you want to achieve world domination, you have to invest wisely. Spray painted mountains are unsustainable, but grass just keeps on growing. It’s also a good idea to avoid upsetting environmentalists if you want to keep your evil schemes out of the media spotlight…

For a Quick Fix Always Go with Cardboard or Duct Tape

$60,600 could also have been used to plant a fake forest with green cardboard trees. Sure, this is also a waste of money, but it’s recyclable. Cardboard can be made to look like anything. If you don’t believe me, check-out the sets of your favorite movies and TV shows. If you need a quick solution to a problem, cardboard can help you fool anyone. If you want to make a fake forest on the side of a mountain, cardboard trees will be a lot more realistic than spray painting the ground neon green.

In fact, when in need of a quick fix, cardboard and duct tape can be used to solve most of your problems. It’s not a good long-term solution, but when fleeing your secret moon base, cardboard henchmen duct-taped to your self-destruct timer will distract Austin Powers long enough for you to escape.

Feng shui not an Excuse for Poor Management

Locals speculate that “officials of the surrounding Fumin county, whose office building faces the mountain, were trying to change the area’s feng shui – the ancient Chinese belief of harmonizing one’s physical environment for maximum health and financial benefit”.

This means that government officials came to the conclusion that the best way to harmonize the environment for maximum health and financial benefit was by wasting money on destroying the environment even though the environment is necessary for good health and investing money wisely is necessary for financial benefit.

Nobody is this stupid.

As an evil overlord, whenever it comes to your attention that minions are blaming extremely poor decisions on feng shui, this can only mean one thing – you have a mole.

Let me put it to you this way. It’s a hard knock life, but that molé molé has got to lick your nine.

Killing the Environment is bad for Morale, even in an Evil Organization

For some reason people think evil overlords couldn’t care less about the environment. This is crazy. When I retire from overlording, I want to spend my days sipping mojitos on a beautiful tropical beach, not drinking recycled sewage in an overcrowded landfill with an oxygen tank strapped to my back causing terrible tan lines.

I want to take over the world, not destroy it.

Protecting the environment and spray paint don’t go together. In fact, anytime you see a skull and crossbones image on a product, don’t go dump that product on a hillside, chances are its a bad idea.

Guess What? Nuclear Power Plants Suck too. Ask David Suzuki.

Don’t let politicians fool you. Protecting the environment and nuclear power don’t go together.
A nuclear power plant creates less air pollutants than a coal burning power plant, but that doesn’t make it the best alternative.

The fact is simple, a nuclear power plant is a giant spray-paint can with millions of skulls and crossbones drawn all over it. As of 2000, Canada has 35,000 tonnes of highly radioactive nuclear waste, with nowhere to put it. With a radioactive half-life of 25,000 years, nuclear waste remains dangerous for 250,000 years (And these are just the problems faced when a nuclear power plant is working properly!).

The damage from spray painting a mountain green will be gone long before the damage from nuclear power plants.

And I like my mojitos.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Dominiation - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

Calamari anyone?

You know what really makes me want to plunge? Giant Squid. Not because they have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom or because their wieners (slang for penis) are 3 feet long. Nope, all of that stuff is just fine and dandy.

The problem is that giant squid make the worst possible usage of their suction cups. These guys could climb a building, play outfield for the Yankees, or even hold-up that soap tray in the shower that keeps falling. Instead, they float around their entire life, never to be employed as a plumber. With eight tentacles and hundreds of suctions cups, they could easily unclog thousands of toilets daily and contribute to the economy. You would think evolution would lead them down this path – you know survival of the fittest – because who’s going to eat a squid after it spends the day in clogged toilets. Of course, I guess that point is moot since we do presently dump sewage into the oceans and enjoy our calamari anyways…

No buttock cleavage, no game.

Maybe the real problem with squid is their lack of a true buttocks. How can we truly accept them as plumbers if they can’t produce plumbers crack? Wait, that’s off-topic…

Why squid suck, haha pun intended.

Ok, back to the point – squid suck. Do you know how squid waste their true anatomical potential? Rather than even considering the plumbing career, squid simply go around sticking their suction cups to whales!

What’s the point? Are they hoping the whale will take them for a ride? You can’t just go around sticking it to whoever or whatever you want. Granted I would do the same if given the opportunity, but that’s not the point.

The point is squid suck.

Wake-up call for the squid – time to get real.

I think it’s time we demonstrate to the squid why enslavement at the hands of humanity is a much better way to spend life rather than gleefully roaming the oceans and sticking it to random whales.

You gonna let squid stand in the way of this?

Great idea – what do we have to do?

Squid have nice round and wet heads. In fact, a squids head is the ideal location for sticking a plunger. The next time a 33-foot giant squid is found, you know what to do. Stick it to the squid, give it a taste of it’s own medicine.

Think of your children – stick it to the squid.

Don’t let these giant squid continue to steal media attention away from American Idol or that Jon dude with all the kids. Do you want your children to see giant squid on TV every night and then have squid-related nightmares?

Do your part to ensure that the next time a giant squid shows up on TV, it has a plunger stuck to it’s head. The future of your child and reality TV may very well be at stake. Maybe your kid you could live without, but what about the Cake Boss?

Stick it to the squid, I think that’s the point. Or maybe I’m just frustrated about plumbers crack.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Dominiation - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

A cow on cannabis

Farmers in Switzerland agree that cannabis is an affordable way to feed their cows and keep them happy. Two birds with one stone – or two cows with one doobie! The Agriculture Ministry however states that the active ingredient in cannabis, THC, can get into cow milk and create a health risk problem. However, artificial growth hormones designed to increase milk production when there is already an oversupply of milk are considered perfectly safe by the ministry.

If anyone should be allowed to get high, its the cows. We’ve taken all meaning and fun out of their lives. We treat the cows like commodities, to use, tip over, and barbecue as we please. There are no cows living in the wild anywhere in the world, we have enslaved their entire population. Despite this, cows aren’t even on any endangered species lists because we no longer view them as creatures, but rather as burgers and bags of milk. They have nothing going for them besides exploitation. Do you hear them complain? No! Cows are always happy to serve. Just let the cows get high…

Of course, the ministry will argue that it’s our responsibility to educate the young cows about the dangers of drugs and peer pressure. Would you want your cow to grow up and spend it’s life served in burgers at McDonald’s, being fed to humans by employees making minimum wage? That’s what drugs will do to you according to the ministry. They claim to have studies proving that cows not consuming cannabis have much better chances of becoming a prime rib steak. I disagree. I think any cow that can pee in a cup for a drug test has all the necessary skills to become a prime rib steak, regardless of whether or not they eat raw marijuana.

Happy cows make for happier burgers and cannabis keeps cows happy. It’s a recipe for success. Take a look at these happy cows from California. Don’t they look happy? Do you want to make these cows sad? Of course not! Pull out your plunger and raise it in the air. Let the world know it’s time to pull the plug on the ban on feeding cows cannabis! THC does not accumulate in the food chain like poisonous mercury, yet fish have not been banned from living in the waters we have polluted and continue to make dangerous to our own health. Why take out our problems on the cows, just let them get high.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Dominiation - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

Shake what yo mama gave ya!

Today I was entrusted with the task of tying up a chicken. Simple as that may sound, a chicken is indeed a formidable foe that should not be underestimated.

The first thing to do when asked to tie up a chicken is desperately seek out advice from people who tie up chickens professionally. If you’re having trouble finding such a person, its because they’ve decided to use the fancy name of “trussing poultry” in order to describe their line of work.

One thing the professionals forget to mention is that you should always begin by making sure your chicken is dead. To do this, simply poke the chicken several times with your index finger and wait for a response. Feathers are not a vital organ so don’t assume your bird is dead even if it has none. Beware of escape attempts. The bird I am presently cooking used its slippery skin to attempt an escape when I picked it up. Approach your chicken with caution at all times.

Here is an article from the Food Network called “Truss Poultry” which provides step by step chicken trussing instructions for beginners like me:

How to Truss Poultry Instructions

How to Truss Poultry VIDEO!

The video is excellent unless, like me, you find yourself with a chicken that does not match the shape of the chicken in the video. If your chickens legs won’t cross, don’t force them too much or the leg will fall right off…

So what do you do if your average chicken looks nothing like the big juicy ones that make it on TV? Improvise! The video suggests using a cord about three times the length of the chicken. I say, when in doubt, tie that bird up real good and use three feet of string if necessary! If it looks like an Egyptian mummy by the time it goes into the rotisserie, all the better! There’s no better way to preserve a chickens corpse.

The final step is actually cooking the chicken! Unfortunately I don’t think I’m quite qualified to offer assistance in this area yet as my mother f***** keeps catching on fire. Must be all the cord…

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Dominiation - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet