Dear minions,
Building an empire is not easy. The bigger you get, the more trolls and competition you must defeat to keep moving forward.
How do you stay ahead of the competition? How do you stand tall in the face of defeat?
Let me tell you…
When someone plants potatoes on my lawn I get upset. It’s not that I dislike potatoes – in fact I find them quite tasty and aesthetically pleasing. The problem is WTF?!
Don’t mess with an evil overlords lawn if you know what’s good for you.
When it comes to my lawn, I have a very simple rule: My lawn should not contain potatoes, reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
If you plant potatoes on my lawn, there will be consequences. I will retaliate. Don’t think that because I’m an evil overlord I don’t have access to my own arsenal of vegetables.
You will pay.
Going green with spray paint?
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Spray painting mountains green in order to answer calls for more attention to environmental protection.
Wait, an actual mountain was spray painted green?!?
Yup. It’s actually quite impressive. Not because they managed to paint an entire mountain green, but because this was an approved government project. Take a moment to consider what something like this involves…
Calamari anyone?
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Giant Squid. Not because they have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom or because their wieners (slang for penis) are 3 feet long. Nope, all of that stuff is just fine and dandy.
The problem is that giant squid make the worst possible usage of their suction cups. These guys could climb a building, play outfield for the Yankees, or even hold-up that soap tray in the shower that keeps falling. Instead, they float around their entire life, never to be employed as a plumber. With eight tentacles and hundreds of suctions cups, they could easily unclog thousands of toilets daily and contribute to the economy. You would think evolution would lead them down this path – you know survival of the fittest – because who’s going to eat a squid after it spends the day in clogged toilets. Of course, I guess that point is moot since we do presently dump sewage into the oceans and enjoy our calamari anyways…
A cow on cannabis
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Switzerland’s Agriculture Ministry. Not because I’m a carnivore and think eating helpless vegetables is cruel or because I think they should stick to making chocolate. Nope, thats all fine and dandy! The problem is when they decide to place a ban on feeding cows cannabis…