It’s true, I plan to conquer the long fabled reddit hive-mind. This is a bold plan that will catapult my overlord status far beyond my wildest expectations.
But mostly, I just want to steal the reddit alien. I am obsessed with his wide array of varying attire and facial expressions.
Keep reading to find out what REWARDS await those who help me with this plan…
Why help an evil overlord conquer the reddit hive-mind?
It’s simple. Once I have the reddit alien, I will control the reddit hive. Whether redditors admit it or not, the alien holds power over them. Redditors serve the alien. Redditors will listen to the alien. If I have the alien, I control the hive – I’ll finally have my very own army of internet henchmen!
Trust me, this will bring redditors like you many benefits. First and foremost, I will simplify your future financial decisions by re-directing large sums of your personal assets towards financing my evil empire. It’s for the best.
I will make the world a better place, for me. You should help because you want to support a better world. I can make this happen by brainwashing the hive. All I need is the reddit alien.
Help me help you by helping me.
I’ll help! What’s the plan?
Conquering the hive will not be easy. That’s why I’ve concocted an elaborate five phase scheme.
Phase 1 – Initiate Project Doomsday.
I have misleadingly named this phase “Project Doomsday” in order to elicit fear from those who dare safe-harbor the reddit alien. Really this is just a secret plan that will allow my reddit account to instantly gain 1 million karmas.
… No wait…
100 billion karmas!
100 billion karmas?! That’s impossible, there can be no fruition of this plan!
Never say never, I can frutate anything! All I need is 10,000 followers…
Since Reddit has no easily exploitable concept of followers, I will rely on other intelligence reports to best judge when to initiate a countdown-to-launch sequence.
I still think this is crazy talk… Even with 10,000 followers, how can you instantly gain 100 billion karmas?
I will submit a secret link and comment on it 100 times using various comical statements and clues regarding my plan to conquer reddit.
Once I am confident I have 10,000 followers, I will give them the location of this reddit submission so they can up-vote the article and all 100 of my comments. This will instantly give me 10 thousand link karma and 1 million comment karma!
Then I simply have to repeat this process again, 100,000 times.
Phase 2 – Gain Reddit Street-Cred
As the internets most notorious super-villain, I like to blog about my expertise in world domination in order to stroke my own inflated ego. As a huge favor to reddit, I have agreed to outsource my blogs forums to reddit rather than run a local installation of phpBB or BBpress.
By integrating into the reddit culture I will gain the necessary street-cred to stage my historic coup.
This subreddit will help prepare my army of henchmen for “Project Doomsday”. It will be an opportunity to familiarize themselves with the terrain and recruit new
suckers henchmen to the cause.
Phase 3 – Mingle in Reddit Society
With most of the tools now in place, I will need to mingle in Reddit society. In order to rule the hive, I must understand the hive. I must not try to conquer the hive – that’s impossible. Instead, I must only try to realize the truth: there is no hive. Only then can I bend it to my will.
Phase 4 – Capture Reddit Alien.
I’ve been working with Grandpa Wiggly on this objective. His mission is to sneak a nearly empty jar of mayonnaise into Reddit HQ. He has been spreading propaganda on this subject for many years so as to avoid raising suspicions when the payload arrives.
The jar of mayonnaise will be large enough to fit the reddit alien comfortably and will provide sufficient nutrition to sustain his corporal existence during transit. The reddit alien will not be harmed, but may suffer collateral weight gain.
Umm, how will you get the reddit alien into the jar of mayonnaise?
The reddit alien loves mayonnaise like a mouse loves cheese… For safe measure, a shiny object with reflective surfaces will be inserted as insurance bait.
Once the reddit alien falls in the jar, he won’t be able to climb out. His limbs, now covered in mayonnaise, will be too slippery to produce the necessary force for escape velocity.
Remind me again why you’re doing this?!
Albeit brilliant, this plan seems destined to fail… Is there a Plan B?
Phase 5 – Ransom the reddit alien in exchange for the SOURCE OF ALL EVIL!
The best evil overlords have catchy theme songs, rocket-launching prosthetic limbs, or toilets that flush directly into outer-space. These things are nice, but they pale in comparison to the source of all evil…
Nothing, absolutely nothing is more evil than internet memes. Memes are the root of all evil, the seeds of society’s destruction.
My plan is to hold the reddit alien captive until the reddit community embeds me directly into a frontpage worthy meme. I want to be one with the source. This will give me all the fame, power and glory needed to fuel my evil empire…
You will no longe… ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD