Calamari anyone?

You know what really makes me want to plunge? Giant Squid. Not because they have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom or because their wieners (slang for penis) are 3 feet long. Nope, all of that stuff is just fine and dandy.

The problem is that giant squid make the worst possible usage of their suction cups. These guys could climb a building, play outfield for the Yankees, or even hold-up that soap tray in the shower that keeps falling. Instead, they float around their entire life, never to be employed as a plumber. With eight tentacles and hundreds of suctions cups, they could easily unclog thousands of toilets daily and contribute to the economy. You would think evolution would lead them down this path – you know survival of the fittest – because who’s going to eat a squid after it spends the day in clogged toilets. Of course, I guess that point is moot since we do presently dump sewage into the oceans and enjoy our calamari anyways…

No buttock cleavage, no game.

Maybe the real problem with squid is their lack of a true buttocks. How can we truly accept them as plumbers if they can’t produce plumbers crack? Wait, that’s off-topic…

Why squid suck, haha pun intended.

Ok, back to the point – squid suck. Do you know how squid waste their true anatomical potential? Rather than even considering the plumbing career, squid simply go around sticking their suction cups to whales!

What’s the point? Are they hoping the whale will take them for a ride? You can’t just go around sticking it to whoever or whatever you want. Granted I would do the same if given the opportunity, but that’s not the point.

The point is squid suck.

Wake-up call for the squid – time to get real.

I think it’s time we demonstrate to the squid why enslavement at the hands of humanity is a much better way to spend life rather than gleefully roaming the oceans and sticking it to random whales.

You gonna let squid stand in the way of this?

Great idea – what do we have to do?

Squid have nice round and wet heads. In fact, a squids head is the ideal location for sticking a plunger. The next time a 33-foot giant squid is found, you know what to do. Stick it to the squid, give it a taste of it’s own medicine.

Think of your children – stick it to the squid.

Don’t let these giant squid continue to steal media attention away from American Idol or that Jon dude with all the kids. Do you want your children to see giant squid on TV every night and then have squid-related nightmares?

Do your part to ensure that the next time a giant squid shows up on TV, it has a plunger stuck to it’s head. The future of your child and reality TV may very well be at stake. Maybe your kid you could live without, but what about the Cake Boss?

Stick it to the squid, I think that’s the point. Or maybe I’m just frustrated about plumbers crack.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Domination - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

This is a very interesting rhombus!

You know what really makes me want to plunge? No, not clogged toilets… Antonella Barba not winning American Idol. Not because she had the talent to do so or because the media and American Idol took advantage of her unfortunate situation to selfishly boost their own ratings. That’s a part of life in the 21st century and we’re more than happy to accept it. I’m upset because actually taking the time to care about celebrity exploitation would mean having to follow up with caring about world poverty, child labour and other sorts of inequalities that plague the world.

I’m sorry, but I have better ways to spend my time than saving the world. I can look for wet t-shirt pictures on the internet. I can recite the alphabet backwards. I can juggle melons before they’re ripe because everyone knows dropping a ripe melon is way too messy. What I can’t do is stand idle, not while an idol’s banishment puts all of these favorite pastimes at risk. It’s time we take a stand, stand up for what we believe!

If we don’t start a petition now to bring back Antonella Barba, her moment of fame will be gone forever, or at least until the release of the next Girl’s Gone Wild DVD. If we wait that long to stand up for what’s right, the world as we know it could cease to exist. Already Google Trends have shown that more and more people are searching the Internet for the word “rhombus“. Do you know what a “rhombus” is? I’ll tell you what it’s not. It’s not the shape people should be searching for online if you know what I mean…

Do you want your children to grow up in a world where everyone cares more about inequality and geometry than pornography? Do your part to save our culture and the selfish egocentric bubble that helps us sleep at night. Bring back Antonella Barba!

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Domination - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet