I’ve concocted a devious plan to infiltrate the TechCrunch headquarters and conquer the universe…
For those of you living under a rock, TechCrunch is a popular blog that offers technology news and analysis. Millions of geeks read TechCrunch… More importantly, some geeks grow up to build rocket ships!
As an evil overlord, it’s important to recruit a skilled work-force. By infiltrating TechCrunch, I can leverage the blog as a brainwashing platform to harvest the souls of geeks around the world (i.e. potential rocket scientists).
Once I have a fleet of rocket ships, I can conquer the universe. But first, keep reading to find out how I plan to infiltrate TechCrunch…
How to Infiltrate TechCrunch? Apply for a Job!
It’s not necessary to covertly infiltrate TechCrunch.
I agree, crashing in through the sky-roof with giant bolt cutters and night-vision goggles is more exciting, but what I need isn’t stored in a high-security safe.
I need to steal the TechCrunch audience…
I need a channel to reach the readers so I can slowly funnel them off into my sticky web of evil.
That’s why my plan is simple – apply for a job as a writer at TechCrunch!
Open Evil Framework for World Domination
If you’re aspiring to become an evil overlord in the 21st century, you should read my book, Open Evil because it teaches the Dr. Evil’s of the future how to successfully apply an open framework in their quest for world domination.
What the hell does that mean? Who gives a shit, just read the book, it will help you conquer the world.
For example, in accordance with the open evil framework for world domination, my job application letter clearly discloses that I’m the internets most notorious supervillain, because disclosure is a powerful sign of confidence.
Here’s the job application letter I sent to TechCrunch:
During my travels to the future I discovered myself to be in a lucrative and highly overpaid position at TechCrunch. I am now submitting my candidacy in the present for this position.
As a self-proclaimed evil overlord, I am over-qualified for this position. That’s probably why you decide to pay me $100,000 to write twelve articles for TechCrunch.
Having seen the results of this arrangement, I can assure you that our partnership is mutually beneficial. My unique world perspectives will allow TechCrunch to profit beyond your wildest expectations. I am the most notorious supervillain of the internet after-all…
I realize you may have some doubts, I can respect that. Cast them aside.
As you know, scientists have shown inconclusively that we live in a multiverse with infinite parallel universes. It’s simple really – every decision point breeds another universe such that every possibility exists. This scientific evidence proves with certain doubt that there is at least one universe where what I am saying is true. Google it.
In fact, it is theoretically impossible for you to reject my request for employment simply by virtue of the fact I have made the request. This is based on a solid lack of scientific evidence. Accept it.
You see, given that infinite universes exist, it follows that an infinite set of responses to my request for employment exist. By sending you this letter I have ensured there is a universe where a version of myself is hired (it’s true, another versions of myself will receive a rubber chicken in the mail, but you get the point).
Hire me. You don’t want to be like all the other universes. Be the one. Do it.
P.S – Don’t think my skills are limited to the pursuit of evil, you can check with Mr. Biggs… I was instrumental in helping retrieve the Grigs when they last escaped and I can help stave off another such disaster by ensuring they remain stuck in my sticky web of evil.
P.S.2 – Please see the attached reference letter from future M.G Siegler.
Attached Reference Letter:
To whom it may concern,
Deceth is an evil overlord, I will not deny this fact. However, evil as he may be, his overlording should be considered an asset.
Deceth is persistent and extremely motivated. He’s a self-starter who can work independently or on a team. Just ask his henchmen. The guy wants to conquer the universe. He sets challenging goals and works actively to achieve them.
Deceth may request ridiculous sums of money to join TechCrunch. Trust me, he’s worth every penny. If you’re hesitant, I’m sure his salary is negotiable. Especially if you allow him to review the technologies required for the construction of a giant space laser.
I for one welcome our Deceth overlord.
P.S. – If Deceth ever becomes a problem, you can easily distract him with a Sphero iOS/Android Controlled Robotic Ball and send him walking off the edge of a cliff. Problem solved.
I haven’t been called in for an interview yet, but I’m sure it will be any day now. I’ll let you all know how it goes!