An evil overlord must always endeavor to just leave a cow anywhere. Imagine the talk at the water cooler…

olivermihoff – Perhaps its a police steak out to prevent bike theft…

Chrisattsu – I herd that too..

Donkenoji – This is ledge-end-dairy.

Methadose – At first I thought your pun was childish but then I realized it was bovine.

eviljolly – Please, don’t udder another word.

Uncoolio – He’s going to milk it as long as he can.

verybadsheep – He’d butter not!

Crisender111 – Moo aside. Let me go first.

fortyfour44 – Somebody’s got a real beef with that bike rack.

DifficultyWithPuns – Holy Cow!

rrs118 – That’s not a cow it’s a calf. A bovine is not considered a cow unless it is a female and able to reproduce.

An evil overlord should always employ a confused cow.

A confused cow is not only a confused cow, but also a cow capable of instantiating confusion. If you’re a hero invading my secret lair and you experience a chance encounter with a cow at a urinal in the washroom, well that sort of thing is bound to throw you off your game…

A confused cow is an investment that will buy you time.

Did you only have 13 seconds left to diffuse my giant space laser? A chance encounter with a cow in the most unexpected of places can buy an evil overlord all the extra time they need to blow stuff up. The hero always hits the abort button with 3 seconds or less left on the countdown… If you’re serious about being an evil overlord, you’ll buy a cow. A cow can make all the difference. Even Batman would pause to look at a cow.

Is it a trap, or is it just a cow? This is no place for cattle…?! Why is there a cow in this ventilation duct?! How did this cow climb that tree?! ZAAAaaaaaaPPP giant space laser you lose Mr. Bond kthx.

Where should an evil overlord put a cow?

Put a cow anywhere.
In an elevator, in a hat.
You can even put a cow on a doormat.
You can put a cow here, you can put a cow there.
You can put a cow anywhere.

Evil overlords know a cow is key to building a successful empire.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Domination - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

A cow on cannabis

Farmers in Switzerland agree that cannabis is an affordable way to feed their cows and keep them happy. Two birds with one stone – or two cows with one doobie! The Agriculture Ministry however states that the active ingredient in cannabis, THC, can get into cow milk and create a health risk problem. However, artificial growth hormones designed to increase milk production when there is already an oversupply of milk are considered perfectly safe by the ministry.

If anyone should be allowed to get high, its the cows. We’ve taken all meaning and fun out of their lives. We treat the cows like commodities, to use, tip over, and barbecue as we please. There are no cows living in the wild anywhere in the world, we have enslaved their entire population. Despite this, cows aren’t even on any endangered species lists because we no longer view them as creatures, but rather as burgers and bags of milk. They have nothing going for them besides exploitation. Do you hear them complain? No! Cows are always happy to serve. Just let the cows get high…

Of course, the ministry will argue that it’s our responsibility to educate the young cows about the dangers of drugs and peer pressure. Would you want your cow to grow up and spend it’s life served in burgers at McDonald’s, being fed to humans by employees making minimum wage? That’s what drugs will do to you according to the ministry. They claim to have studies proving that cows not consuming cannabis have much better chances of becoming a prime rib steak. I disagree. I think any cow that can pee in a cup for a drug test has all the necessary skills to become a prime rib steak, regardless of whether or not they eat raw marijuana.

Happy cows make for happier burgers and cannabis keeps cows happy. It’s a recipe for success. Take a look at these happy cows from California. Don’t they look happy? Do you want to make these cows sad? Of course not! Pull out your plunger and raise it in the air. Let the world know it’s time to pull the plug on the ban on feeding cows cannabis! THC does not accumulate in the food chain like poisonous mercury, yet fish have not been banned from living in the waters we have polluted and continue to make dangerous to our own health. Why take out our problems on the cows, just let them get high.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Domination - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet