Listen, there’s a lot of Chuck Norris lists out there…
… They suck.
This is the #1 undisputed top rated Chuck Norris list of them all.
… Share it.
Chuck Norris Poetry
This list is exceedingly popular because it’s the sort of list that includes INSANE NEVER BEFORE RELEASED BONUS MATERIAL like Chuck Norris Poetry…
Jack can be nimble, and Jack can be quick,
but not even Jack can dodge a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
You see? Best list ever.
… but wait, there’s so much more!
Facts About How Chuck Norris WILL KILL YOU
… if you’re thinking – “Wow, one second, that’s impressive! I wonder how he’s gonna do it” – well, let me tell you, Chuck Norris can kill you with anything…
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. I mean, if there’s a corded phone around, that would work too, but you get the point. The man can improvise.
In fact, in the average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
… and if you’re thinking you can hide…
Chuck Norris knows where you live because Chuck Norris knows all the things he needs to know to find and kill you.
But more importantly, Chuck Norris knows where you die, because he has the whole thing planned out. Really, there’s not much to it, as discussed earlier, it only takes one second.
Now, if you’re thinking – “Bring it on Chuck Norris! You’re like 75 years old, I can take you” – here are some more facts you should consider…
This one time at band camp, a cobra bit Chuck Norris on the leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Also, this one time at another band camp, back when Mars was a popular destination for band camps, Chuck Norris went to band camp on Mars. Today, there are no signs of life on Mars.
An interesting fact though – Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano, so it must have been one hell of a band camp…
I can keep going, but I think you get the point.
You can run, but…
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. Including you.
A Chuck Norris Haiku!
Chuck Norris can win
a game of Connect Four
in three moves or less.
A Short Story About The Guy Who Crossed Chuck Norris Street
If that wasn’t clear, let me explain in horrifying detail what this sort of anecdote really means…
It means all the people that crossed Chuck Norris street had their hearts ripped-out from their anus by Chuck Norris, and at no point would any of the participants have had the opportunity to request an autograph or take a photo to post to Facebook.
I know it’s kind of a sad story, but Chuck Norris doesn’t really care much about feelings.
Did you know Chuck Norris can make onions cry before he chops them up?
I don’t know how he does it either because I’ve tried all sorts of things – I’ve made onions watch as I’ve chopped up their onion friends and onion relatives into tiny little pieces. I’ve chewed vigorously on onions in an omelet. I’ve even flipped around onions in a frying pan with a sizzling layer of olive oil. Nothing. The onions just always seem to take it all in stride without ever shedding a tear… Oh well.
Hey man, did you know Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards? Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further! Just imagine how far Chuck Norris can throw your lifeless body back to the other side of Chuck Norris street!
Now you might be thinking the plot of any good short story involves an action scene with a tank chase. Am I right?
… But a tank won’t help you escape Chuck Norris if you cross Chuck Norris street.
You could even have an unnecessarily big frickin’ tank with big bad-ass guns, the type not really ideal for city-driving…
… But the thing is, bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Your tank won’t protect you at all even if you lock the doors and decide to just sit there and make faces out the window.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, just by whispering… bang!
You could try killing Chuck Norris in his sleep, but Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun just so he has something to suffocate you with.
Chuck Norris still knows when someone crosses Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris can’t be fooled just by changing a street sign.
Hey man, I get it. You probably had no idea you crossed Chuck Norris street because it’s no longer named Chuck Norris which makes it very difficult to formulate any sort of ideas about it.
… But, that’s no excuse.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because nobody fools Chuck Norris. Ever.
You can of course try explaining the misunderstanding to Chuck Norris, not that it will help…
“Hey Chuck, bro, buddy, listen, I had no idea about the road… Err, well yeah, I crossed it, but it looked just like any other road… Err, no no, I’m not saying your road is ordinary, umm, it’s a very nice road? But, the sign, it didn’t mention your name… Wait, wait! Oh crap…”
… Of you.
Chuck Norris Facts About Some Useless Things
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris came before BOTH The Chicken and The Egg.
Did you know…
A “Handicap” parking sign doesn’t mean the spot is for handicapped people. It’s actually a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mean to beat up so many handicapped people, if they could just pay more attention to the warning signs…
A Few Chuck Norris Magic Tricks
If you think that’s crazy, imagine this…
Chuck Norris pours the milk first. Then he pours the cereal. Then he places the bowl. And it all works out somehow…
Maybe it has something to do with time travel because Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he just decides what time it is.
Most of the time, Chuck Norris decides it’s killing time.
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris. That’s kind of weird because Caller ID didn’t exist yet, but we’re talking about the same Chuck Norris who can cut through a hot knife with butter so I wouldn’t doubt it for a second.
Chuck Norris can even light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together. This comes in really handy when you’re stranded in the middle-of-no-where but have access to ice cubes.
Another Chuck Norris Haiku!
Chuck plans to kill you,
You should run and hide and cry,
But you are a fool.
Some More Chuck Norris Facts About Death… YOUR DEATH!
… Nobody can save you.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing underwear on the outside of his pants.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance”.
… Which is useless advice, because you have no chance.
Chuck Norris Facts About Animals
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it’s just afraid to move.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass at night. I’m not sure why he would do this though, what an ass.
Here’s a few More Reasons Chuck Norris is an Ass
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. This happens every time he asks to use the washroom and I hate it because he pretends like he didn’t just punch my mirror again for no reason.
Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone. That’s just perfect because honestly who doesn’t enjoy having that conversation with some asshat when they pickup the phone.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn, he stares at it and dares it to grow. Do you know how stupid he looks when he does this? I mow his lawn just to make him stop, but he swears it works.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles because hair doesn’t grow on steel. This wastes a lot of time at airports when women at security are forced to look-into-this matter; dirty-old-bastard.
5 Reasons I Already Regret Calling Chuck Norris an Ass
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise!!! I’m not really sure how you go about destroying the periodic table and sometimes wonder if maybe Chuck is just sitting in a room somewhere ripping up pieces of paper… But then I realized this is probably Chuck Norris’ scientific way of saying he’s going to suffocate me, you know, by taking away all the oxygen.
Most importantly though…
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding and I really don’t want to end up always hiding in crowds wearing the same clothes.
Its not over until Chuck Norris makes the fat lady sing.
Ok, now it’s over.
Some More Lists as-Good-as Garlic Dipping Sauce
Hey man, before Chuck Norris has a chance to kill you, why not check out these other hilarious lists:
- Funniest Quotes by Marvin from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
- 21 Witty Insults to Rule an Empire like an Evil Overlord
- The Ever Growing List of Sarcastic, Ironic and Witty Quotes
- The Ultimate List of Quotes from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
- 27 Confucius Say Quotes that are Actually Funny