Going green with spray paint?

You know what really makes me want to plunge? Spray painting mountains green in order to answer calls for more attention to environmental protection.

Wait, an actual mountain was spray painted green?!?

Yup. It’s actually quite impressive. Not because they managed to paint an entire mountain green, but because this was an approved government project. Take a moment to consider what something like this involves…

• Pressure is put on China to be more environmentally friendly. Someone mistakenly says, “Hey, you guys need to go green!”.
• A meeting is called, people gather to discuss the problem. The question is asked, “How do we go green? Any good ideas?”
• Someone jumps up from the crowd and suggests, “Let’s cover some barren land with green toxic paint, that will solve the problem! It will show the world we can go green!”
• The idea is discussed and debated. It’s even improved. “Let’s do this on a mountain, so the world can really see our renewed efforts to go green!”.
• Against all odds, the project is approved.
• $60,600 is spent on putting the plan into action.

Requirements gathering – Important in all areas of life…

This isn’t the case of a crazy person running around with a can of spray paint. Somewhere along the way, this plan could have been trashed, but no – it lived on, was approved, and financed. In my software engineering world, this is a clear case of the implementation not satisfying the requirements. Sure they went green, but the objective of improving the environment was not met, not by a long shot.

Even Evil Overlords want to Protect the Environment

$60,600 worth of toxic paint could have been used to purchase 13,060 pounds of Perenniall Ryegrass seeds, enough to cover 1,632,343 square feet. The end result would also have been a green hillside, with plenty of seeds leftover to feed an entire fleet of remote controlled pigeons.

If you’re ever stuck choosing between grass and spray paint, go with the grass – it’s a renewable resource. If you want to achieve world domination, you have to invest wisely. Spray painted mountains are unsustainable, but grass just keeps on growing. It’s also a good idea to avoid upsetting environmentalists if you want to keep your evil schemes out of the media spotlight…

For a Quick Fix Always Go with Cardboard or Duct Tape

$60,600 could also have been used to plant a fake forest with green cardboard trees. Sure, this is also a waste of money, but it’s recyclable. Cardboard can be made to look like anything. If you don’t believe me, check-out the sets of your favorite movies and TV shows. If you need a quick solution to a problem, cardboard can help you fool anyone. If you want to make a fake forest on the side of a mountain, cardboard trees will be a lot more realistic than spray painting the ground neon green.

In fact, when in need of a quick fix, cardboard and duct tape can be used to solve most of your problems. It’s not a good long-term solution, but when fleeing your secret moon base, cardboard henchmen duct-taped to your self-destruct timer will distract Austin Powers long enough for you to escape.

Feng shui not an Excuse for Poor Management

Locals speculate that “officials of the surrounding Fumin county, whose office building faces the mountain, were trying to change the area’s feng shui – the ancient Chinese belief of harmonizing one’s physical environment for maximum health and financial benefit”.

This means that government officials came to the conclusion that the best way to harmonize the environment for maximum health and financial benefit was by wasting money on destroying the environment even though the environment is necessary for good health and investing money wisely is necessary for financial benefit.

Nobody is this stupid.

As an evil overlord, whenever it comes to your attention that minions are blaming extremely poor decisions on feng shui, this can only mean one thing – you have a mole.

Let me put it to you this way. It’s a hard knock life, but that molé molé has got to lick your nine.

Killing the Environment is bad for Morale, even in an Evil Organization

For some reason people think evil overlords couldn’t care less about the environment. This is crazy. When I retire from overlording, I want to spend my days sipping mojitos on a beautiful tropical beach, not drinking recycled sewage in an overcrowded landfill with an oxygen tank strapped to my back causing terrible tan lines.

I want to take over the world, not destroy it.

Protecting the environment and spray paint don’t go together. In fact, anytime you see a skull and crossbones image on a product, don’t go dump that product on a hillside, chances are its a bad idea.

Guess What? Nuclear Power Plants Suck too. Ask David Suzuki.

Don’t let politicians fool you. Protecting the environment and nuclear power don’t go together.
A nuclear power plant creates less air pollutants than a coal burning power plant, but that doesn’t make it the best alternative.

The fact is simple, a nuclear power plant is a giant spray-paint can with millions of skulls and crossbones drawn all over it. As of 2000, Canada has 35,000 tonnes of highly radioactive nuclear waste, with nowhere to put it. With a radioactive half-life of 25,000 years, nuclear waste remains dangerous for 250,000 years (And these are just the problems faced when a nuclear power plant is working properly!).

The damage from spray painting a mountain green will be gone long before the damage from nuclear power plants.

And I like my mojitos.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Domination - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet

Calamari anyone?

You know what really makes me want to plunge? Giant Squid. Not because they have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom or because their wieners (slang for penis) are 3 feet long. Nope, all of that stuff is just fine and dandy.

The problem is that giant squid make the worst possible usage of their suction cups. These guys could climb a building, play outfield for the Yankees, or even hold-up that soap tray in the shower that keeps falling. Instead, they float around their entire life, never to be employed as a plumber. With eight tentacles and hundreds of suctions cups, they could easily unclog thousands of toilets daily and contribute to the economy. You would think evolution would lead them down this path – you know survival of the fittest – because who’s going to eat a squid after it spends the day in clogged toilets. Of course, I guess that point is moot since we do presently dump sewage into the oceans and enjoy our calamari anyways…

No buttock cleavage, no game.

Maybe the real problem with squid is their lack of a true buttocks. How can we truly accept them as plumbers if they can’t produce plumbers crack? Wait, that’s off-topic…

Why squid suck, haha pun intended.

Ok, back to the point – squid suck. Do you know how squid waste their true anatomical potential? Rather than even considering the plumbing career, squid simply go around sticking their suction cups to whales!

What’s the point? Are they hoping the whale will take them for a ride? You can’t just go around sticking it to whoever or whatever you want. Granted I would do the same if given the opportunity, but that’s not the point.

The point is squid suck.

Wake-up call for the squid – time to get real.

I think it’s time we demonstrate to the squid why enslavement at the hands of humanity is a much better way to spend life rather than gleefully roaming the oceans and sticking it to random whales.

You gonna let squid stand in the way of this?

Great idea – what do we have to do?

Squid have nice round and wet heads. In fact, a squids head is the ideal location for sticking a plunger. The next time a 33-foot giant squid is found, you know what to do. Stick it to the squid, give it a taste of it’s own medicine.

Think of your children – stick it to the squid.

Don’t let these giant squid continue to steal media attention away from American Idol or that Jon dude with all the kids. Do you want your children to see giant squid on TV every night and then have squid-related nightmares?

Do your part to ensure that the next time a giant squid shows up on TV, it has a plunger stuck to it’s head. The future of your child and reality TV may very well be at stake. Maybe your kid you could live without, but what about the Cake Boss?

Stick it to the squid, I think that’s the point. Or maybe I’m just frustrated about plumbers crack.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Domination - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet