By now you’ve probably noticed Facebook is hellbent on achieving world domination. Hey man, as the worlds most notorious supervillain I can respect that…
The thing is…
There’s this one VERY BIG and extremely annoying problem…
And yes, it’s the thing I hate most about Facebook…
I hate friend requests.
I’ve spent a long time figuring out all the people I’m going to hate.
… I’ve got vendettas.
Plans for vengeance….
… Scores to even.
I’ve put a lot of effort into hating people effectively.
I don’t need Facebook coming along trying to unravel the whole thing!
I don’t want to be your friend!
What are you supposed to do anyways when you get a friend request?
… You can ignore it
You can decline it…
Either way there’s this creepy person sitting in a dark, depressing, lonely room, AND THEY KNOW, you didn’t accept it.
I prefer tools that let me hate people discreetly…
For example, take Reddit. Now that’s a cool platform because you can friend me, but I can keep hating you. It’s perfect.
But no, not with Facebook…
On Facebook, the requester knows you got the notification and they know you didn’t press accept. They know the request didn’t get lost because they probably sent it seven times just to be sure. They know exactly what’s going on.
And that’s a REALLY BIG problem.
Because then they ask the worst possible question any person could ever possibly ask…
Why don’t you want to be friends???It’s too much work trying to explain to all the people you hate all the problems with them.
Usually it’s a really long list of attributes, and I just don’t have the time to write all this stuff down.
And I especially don’t have time to listen to counter-arguments like, “Bro, listen dude I can change, just be my friend and I’ll stop posting pictures of my food”.
… I don’t want you to change
I’m happy hating you…
Just because we went to the same school, worked at the same office, or got similar looking haircuts from similar looking stylists at similar looking hair studios while sitting in similar looking chairs – And by that I mean, just because we did something that by some-stretch-of-the-imagination could possibly be construed as being similar…
DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE FRIENDS!
Honestly, you don’t want to be my friend because …I would laugh at all the typos in your status updates.
I would look at all your pictures, but only to see if you’re getting fat, or bald, or wrinkled, or going through some sort of mid-life crisis I could make worse.
If all your posts are just to brag about good stuff, I would post comments like, “Cute kid, fat and bald like you!”, or “Nice vacation, but get a gym membership you’re so fat”.
If you still post pictures of your food even though you promised you would change, I’ll reply to say how many calories you’re eating and then I’ll post a fat graph which is a graph I invented to predict how much fatter you’ll be in 6 months based on all the data points you keep sharing on Facebook.
When I’m bored, I’ll check your location updates and continually bump into you to say things like, “Wow, you’re even fatter in person!”, or, “It’s weird I keep bumping into you, must be because you’re so fat”.
Eventually you’ll un-friend me and everything will go back to normal.
And the thing is, you can’t be mad at me because it’s all Facebook’s fault.
… I wanted to hate you discreetly.
I never asked to be friends…
It’s these stupid Facebook friend requests that put us in this awkward situation because…
You Can’t Even do a Pretend-then-Unfriend Maneuver.
Why not accept the friend request, then un-friend them a few days later when you think they aren’t looking?
BUT THEN FACEBOOK GOES OUT OF ITS WAY TO TELL THOSE PEOPLE, “Do you know Deceth? Send Deceth a Friend Request“.
It’s completely insane!
As soon as I un-friend people Facebook starts suggesting me as their friend! Before you know it, they want to be friends again and it’s back to square one.
… You can tell when somebody is really unpopular because they don’t even ask what happened, they just think that’s how Facebook works and it’s normal they need to re-add their friends every month.
Sometimes they ask, and then you need to make excuses about how your account got hacked, or how you meant to delete a different Bob but your list has a lot of Bobs and it’s very common to delete the wrong Bob.
Sometimes when they ask, I like to turn the tables and say, “You must have unfriended me because it still says we’re friends on my screen…”
The point is, you can never unfriend the people you never wanted to be friends with in the first place because Facebook makes it impossible to effectively hate the people you hate without having the people you hate make a big fuss about it.
You Don’t Have More Friends than you Think
You know when Facebook sends you those emails to tell you, “You have more friends on Facebook than you think”…
It’s not true.
You probably have less friends than you think so stop sending people friend requests!
Think about all the poor people out there pretending to be friends with other people who are probably just pretending to be friends with them too because Facebook told them to think they might be friends and then because there’s no good way to decline a friend request or no good way to unfriend a pretend friend who you hated in the first place, you’re stuck pretending to be friends forever.
Listen, this is a lot of work to manage and all of this stress is Facebook’s fault.
I hate friend requests.