Tag Archives: media

Shave Me Baby One More Time

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By now you have heard the very important news being broadcast across North America… Britney Spears entered a drug rehabilitation facility in Antigua and another in Malibu. In the process, she got a tattoo and shaved off all her hair.

I’m so thankful for the media, imagine what my life would be had I missed this breaking news! But lets stay focused and take a deeper look into what’s going on here…

Do you think Britney Spears shaved her head because she is mildly psychotic? Of course not! Britney Spears shaved off her hair because she wanted to re-experience the joyous moments of her youth. Ask Dr. Phil. I’m sure he’d explain that Britney’s bald babies reminded her of happier times during her childhood. She realized that the only logical way to re-experience such happiness would be to return to her childhood via narcotics and head shaving. According to this article, time travel is theoretically possible, so decide for yourself if you think Britney Spears is a cutting edge scientist or a victim of Post-partum psychosis.

Thankfully, BritneySpears.com is asking people to send their thoughts and inspiration. Britney desperately needs our help, so I sent a letter!

“Dear Britney Spears,

I know you may have lost contact with reality and probably don’t realize that your vivid hallucinations and delusions are unrealistic. Delusions typically occur in the context of neurological or mental illness and are associated with many psychotic disorders, including schizophrenia. Don’t let your paranoia get you down or lead you to irrational or excessive behaviour. We need you to get better. Our lives are dependent on your constant presence in the media, we need our fix. You know what that’s like.

I think it’s great that your website has taken the initiative to have all your 12 year old fans send you letters of support. You’re their role model, it’s important they learn that success and substance abuse go hand in hand. We’re here for you. Imagine if you were poor, homeless or living in a third world country. You’d be in real need, but we’d never hear about you in the news. You’d end up facing your psychosis and starvation alone. We won’t let that happen. We’ll make sure the media knows we want you. We really don’t care if you get better or not, we just know media and pop culture have dictated your importance so that we don’t bother politicians about wars in Iraq or climate change.

Hope you’re well soon, we need you to keep us deluded!”

How the Rhombus is Destroying the Porn Industry

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A very interesting rhombus

This is a very interesting rhombus!

You know what really makes me want to plunge? No, not clogged toilets… Antonella Barba not winning American Idol. Not because she had the talent to do so or because the media and American Idol took advantage of her unfortunate situation to selfishly boost their own ratings. That’s a part of life in the 21st century and we’re more than happy to accept it. I’m upset because actually taking the time to care about celebrity exploitation would mean having to follow up with caring about world poverty, child labour and other sorts of inequalities that plague the world.

I’m sorry, but I have better ways to spend my time than saving the world. I can look for wet t-shirt pictures on the internet. I can recite the alphabet backwards. I can juggle melons before they’re ripe because everyone knows dropping a ripe melon is way too messy. What I can’t do is stand idle, not while an idol’s banishment puts all of these favorite pastimes at risk. It’s time we take a stand, stand up for what we believe!

If we don’t start a petition now to bring back Antonella Barba, her moment of fame will be gone forever, or at least until the release of the next Girl’s Gone Wild DVD. If we wait that long to stand up for what’s right, the world as we know it could cease to exist. Already Google Trends have shown that more and more people are searching the Internet for the word “rhombus“. Do you know what a “rhombus” is? I’ll tell you what it’s not. It’s not the shape people should be searching for online if you know what I mean…

Do you want your children to grow up in a world where everyone cares more about inequality and geometry than pornography? Do your part to save our culture and the selfish egocentric bubble that helps us sleep at night. Bring back Antonella Barba!