When someone plants potatoes on my lawn I get upset. It’s not that I dislike potatoes – in fact I find them quite tasty and aesthetically pleasing. The problem is WTF?!

Don’t mess with an evil overlords lawn if you know what’s good for you.

When it comes to my lawn, I have a very simple rule: My lawn should not contain potatoes, reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

If you plant potatoes on my lawn, there will be consequences. I will retaliate. Don’t think that because I’m an evil overlord I don’t have access to my own arsenal of vegetables.

You will pay.

Planting potatoes on my lawn makes you a cheap villain.

Potatoes are one of the cheapest vegetables you can buy. If you plant potatoes on my lawn, you’re a cheap bastard.

If you want some respect, plant some asparagus on my lawn. Or how about a f***ing Halloween pumpkin, I’m an evil overlord remember?

Planting potatoes on my lawn makes you cheap villain scum.

You will pay.

If you think you’re a hero, you need to get a life.

If you think planting potatoes on my lawn makes you the good guy, you’re wrong. You’re no hero. Heroes pull swords from stone, they don’t plant vegetables in dirt.

Plating potatoes on my lawn makes you an assh*le. Robin Hood would give those potatoes to the poor.

You will pay.

Throwing potatoes is more effective.

Is it really necessary to plant potatoes on my lawn? Launching potatoes would be far more effective. Spudz invading from the sky – now that would freak me out. Not to mention walking on the fallen invaders would prove difficult…

But planting potatoes on my lawn – that’s just annoying. And confusing.

Is this some form of vengeance? Are you an angry landscapers escaped from my dungeons? Did your mother not love you as a child? Are you experimenting with genetically modified potatoes?

You will pay.

If you’re trying to raise an army from the ground, you misread the manual.

If you’re trying to raise an army of zombies, planting potatoes won’t help. You need corpses. And a sorcerer.

What kind of low self-esteem evil spirit would possess a potato? Seriously, you’re a newb.

You will pay.

Keep your potatoes away from my lawn.

It’s a simple request.

Keep your potatoes away from my lawn, or I’ll boil-em, mash-em and stick-em in a stew.

You will pay.

The Evil Overlord Guide to World Dominiation - Featuring deceth, notorious supervillain of the internet