Dear minions,
Canada is under attack!
If you want to be a Canadian overlord why not take advantage of the situation… Keep reading to find out more.
Archives for March 2014
Why the Ban on Feeding Cows Cannabis is Cruel
A happy cow on cannabisDear minions,
You know what really makes me want to build a giant space laser? Switzerland’s Agriculture Ministry. Not because I’m a carnivore and think eating helpless vegetables is cruel or because I think they should stick to making chocolate. Nope, that’s all fine and dandy! The problem is when they decide to place a ban on feeding cows cannabis…
Listen, the use of derp, it has to stop now…
Dear minions,
If you’re using the word derp you must cease and desist immediately.
It has to stop now.
Seriously, you’re confusing a lot of people.
Derp, derp, derp.
Derp is a crappy word.
People who don’t know the meaning of derp assume you’re a Satan worshiper. It’s what people do when they don’t understand something.
Derp… it has to stop.
Stick to the basics.
Derp is an expression associated with stupidity – it’s a word uttered when one screws up.
The next time you feel the need to write “derp”, consider instead one of the following alternatives:
- shit
- crap
- turd
- feces
- poop
- dung
- stool
- crud
- #2
You see, it’s clear. The use of poo has a longstanding history for these sorts of things.
You can even use poo to look more sophisticated by using one of the following options:
- secretion
- discharge
- fecal matter
- defilement
- defecation
- excretion
- feculence (not to be confused with succulence)
In fact poo can be a very creative form of expression, as per the following examples:
- cow pies
- meadow muffins
- frazzle plop
- weary drizzle
- inside information
There is absolutely no need for derp.
Crap, shit, shitty… I mean, if you need to be a hipster, just take any of these well understood uses of excrement, and add-on whatever you like to make your usage unique.
Crapsticks, shitterbugs, whatever.
Just stop using derp.
For the sake of humanity I beg you, no more derp.
How to Die a Horrible Death from Coral
Dear minions,
You probably don’t want to believe coral can actively pursue a moving fish BUT LOOK AT THE HORRIFYING PICTURE.
At night, coral can actively pursue just about anything. Sometimes you can even hear coral slowly scratching against the floor under your bed when it thinks you’re asleep…
If you’re worried a coral reef might eat you, BE WORRIED. Corals eat all sorts of people every year. If you don’t have nightmares of coral reefs slowly devouring you from the feet first, keep reading.