Dear minions,
If you want to conquer the world, you need to take action when you’re passionate about something.
… don’t just sit around doing nothing when the things you care about are threatened.
For example, when Tim Hortons decides to just go ahead and discontinue cherry timbits, what the hell?!
I love cherry timbits, they’re like one of the top three timbit flavors.
If you need to discontinue something, how about “Glazed Orange Tangerine“, that’s the worst timbit ever – it looks just like honey dip so it’s very confusing, and horrible, and I hate them, and really what other color is tangerine, the name is just stupid.
So, of course I wrote an angry letter to Tim to get this mess sorted out…
Tim, Bring Back the Cherry Timbits!
Where are the Cherry Timbits?
I am your most deeply disturbed customer.
… but, I haven’t always been this way.
I used to be your most highly satisfied customer.
… until, lets say two months ago, because honestly if I had marked the date in a calendar I could be more specific, but I didn’t, so how am I supposed to remember exactly when you ran out of cherry timbits.
But you did.
… you ran out of all the cherry timbits!
And I know this with the type of certainty that is absolutely certain because I checked. I have been to 73 different Tim Hortons locations over the last, let’s say two months, and every single location shared a common lack thereof of cherry timbits.
You’re a smart guy Tim, so at this point, I know exactly what you’re thinking. “Well wait, there’s more than 73 different Tim Hortons locations in the world, so how can you really be certain with absolute certainty?”
… well let me tell you Tim.
There are 3,588 Tim Hortons locations in Canada, 859 in the United States and 38 in the Persian Gulf region, all of which have handy telephone numbers you can call to ask about whether or not they have any cherry timbits sitting on the shelf.
Guess what they all said?
… No!
They tell me cherry timbits have been discontinued…
“ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” (That’s what I said, because listen Tim, someone had to say it.)
… it’s not like there was a special cherry timbit factory that was shutdown, or a new model of timbit that could no longer support the infusion of cherry filling.
ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS TAKE ANY REGULAR TIMBIT AND STUFF IT FULL OF CHERRY. (‘Prenez la cerise et la foutre dans le timbit!’ I had to say a few times…)
… and it’s not like there’s some sort of shortage of cherry filling, because I checked this too, and I double-checked, and I’ve been asked to stop checking because the availability of cherry filling apparently does not fluctuate no matter if you call the suppliers in the morning, before or after lunch, or even around snack time.
Tim, I used to love snack time. Now what am I supposed to do? Just order some other type of timbit?
I can’t believe you willy-nilly cancel flavors of timbits without any concern for the cravings of Canadian citizens. I would start a petition, but that seems like a lot of work.
Between you and me, I know you must have a stash of cherry timbits leftover somewhere. Just tell me where they are and I’ll go pick them up. I won’t tell anyone. I mean, unless they’re in the Persian Gulf region, then maybe you could mail me one dozen because that’s a long way to go just for timbits.
Yours cravingly,
Deceth
P.S. Don’t think you can get away with this!
Listen, donuts are an important part of snack time.
Sooner or later, more pastries are going to realize this. In this day and age, it’s only a matter of time before the donuts demand equal rights.
A lot of doughnut enthusiasts I’ve asked already support the unionization of donuts…
The cherry timbits will never be forgotten!
We will honor their memory, unite, and make sure the next time you decide to discontinue any timbit, you better get a lawyer.
… Unless we’re talking about the Glazed Orange Tangerine timbits, you can just get rid of those, nobody likes them or cares about their feelings, they’re stupid.
