Dear minions,
The problem with werewolves is every full moon they get the munchies and eat people.
Sometimes this personality trait can be convenient when they eat the right people, but usually it’s just a lot of paperwork with a big lineup of minions standing outside HR in the morning with werewolf grievance after grievance.
Look, it’s not my fault Moonfang ate another one of your colleagues and now you need to pick up the slack. Why is everyone upset with me on these forms? Why is it always supreme managements fault?!
I don’t care who got eaten, someone still needs to make my omlet.
Is all this fuss really my fault for hiring a werewolf? Maybe minions should just listen better… Moonfang has always been transparent since joining the team. From day one he told everyone he has the uncontrollable urge to mutilate and eat them. Full moons make the guy grumpy, we all have bad days. Give the new guy a chance.
… Of course, it would help smooth things over a bit if werewolves showed some remorse.
The morning after is always awkward. Werewolves can never remember who they ate or what they tasted like. So now I’ve got minions in my office showing me pairs of shoes with feet still in them and Moonfang ignoring when I ask if he recognizes these feet because he’s on his phone shopping for new jeans. How am I supposed to know for sure he did it? It’s not like the crocodiles stop eating people on full moons.
I’ve tried the most obvious solution to this problem.
When it’s a full moon, just lock Moonfang up in a room with the people that I need to have eaten. But do you think I have a single competent minion that can complete this task?
“You forgot to lock the door?! Was that not your only job when I said go lock up the werewolf??!?!”
Nobody has ever succeeded. There is always some excuse.
“You thought he wouldn’t transform BECAUSE IT WAS CLOUDY?!?!
“THAT DOOR UNLOCKS FROM THE INSIDE!!!”
“He said he was hungry SO YOU LET HIM OUT TO HAVE A SNACK!?!?!#$#!
I’m so tired of all the hassle, I’ve decided to convert to an army of wererats.
Wererats are way more convenient. When they get uncontrollable urges it’s to mutilate and eat cheese.
If it’s a full moon and your buddy transforms into a wererat you don’t need to panic. He’s not gonna rip off your head, he’s not gonna floss his teeth with your ribs, he’s not gonna eat everything except your stinky feet. He’s just gonna eat a piece of cheddar.
… Or so I thought. But even I can make mistakes.
You should see the massive lineups outside HR now. If you think minions get upset when their colleagues go missing, you should see what happens when someone steals their cheese.
Dear minions,
Dear minions,
