World Domination

How the Rhombus is Destroying the Porn Industry

February 8, 2016 by Deceth Leave a Comment

I hate this rhombus and all others…

Dear minions,

I hate the rhombus.

Seriously.

You just have to look at a rhombus to know it’s a terrible shape.

It’s kind of like a square, but wtf, it’s always crooked.

And worst of all…

… the rhombus is destroying the porn industry.

Err… How is the Rhombus Destroying the Porn Industry?

I’ll tell you how.

First of all, the rhombus is an equilateral quadrilateral.

Even worse, it’s a quadrilateral in which each diagonal bisects two opposite interior angles.

DO YOU SEE THE MADNESS?!

The rhombus is a non-self-intersecting shape!

… the porn industry is all about intersecting shapes.

Right… But, the rhombus is just a shape…

The rhombus is not just a shape…

It’s a horrible shape!

A rhombus has four sides, but they’re all the same length…

… but a rhombus isn’t a square!

It’s a goddamn rhombus because it can never be bothered with right angles.

You might not care about geometry, but I’m telling you pornography has a lot of preferable positions designed to require right angles.

SO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM?!

… you can never have sex like a rhombus.

Ok… but nobody is having sex with rhombuses…

OMG IT’S NOT ABOUT THE RHOMBUSES!

… It’s about parallelograms.

Every rhombus is a parallelogram, and parallelograms are a huge issue because you can’t be parallel all by yourself. By yourself you’re just a line doing your own thing…

Until…

All of a sudden you find someone else going the exact same way and you figure out to your astonishment that you’re both parallel.

DO YOU SEE THE INSANITY?!?!

Once you’re parallel, it’s all over. The two of you will never for all of eternity cross paths!

NEVER!

This is why nobody ever has sex with people from parallel universes.

Out of curiosity, what the hell does any of this have to do with World Domination?!

I’m highly dependent on the porn industry.

If I want to conquer the world, it helps to have a multi-trillion dollar industry distracting all of my competitors.

… but if rhombi destroy the porn industry, I’m screwed.

All sorts of people will suddenly have free time and extra hands for doing things like work and thinking and using that lump of meat inside their head.

I can’t have that!

My business model for World Domination is based on the fact that all the people around me are highly incompetent.

Any successful business or government knows they need to keep everyone unfocussed and distracted if they want to conquer the world and make billions of dollars.

Rhombi threaten to unravel the whole messed up state of reality evil overlords thrive on!

Ok, that makes sense… So what do we do?

We need to promote the proliferation of pornography so children don’t grow up in a world where using the Internet for proper research is seen as a more important pastime.

… and we need to do it before it’s too late because it’s getting alarmingly close to being too late!

Just look at Google Trends…

Since 2004, more and more people have been searching for rhombuses…

Listen, this is not the shape people should be searching the Internet for!

… Spheres, see I really like spheres and how they look with no clothes on.

But the rhombus, it’s just terrible geometry.

Have you ever seen wet t-shirt pictures of a rhombus? No.

Have you ever seen a bunch of rhombuses have a pillow fight in pajamas? No.

Stop wasting the potential of the Internet by searching for rhombuses!!!

What’s next?

Are we going to start looking up ‘facts’ and start having discussions about important issues?

Things like alcohol, drugs, gambling and pornography exist for a reason.

It’s so a minority of people like me can make one-hundred billion dollars while others succumb to every possible weakness or temptation.

This can’t be allowed to change!

It’s time we take a stand against taking a stand before people start taking stands against the things we need to remain unstood.

Stop searching for rhombuses.

… Unless you’re ready to conquer the world.

Then you need to click here before it’s too late.

Top 5 things I would do with a big barrel and no monkeys

January 25, 2016 by Deceth Leave a Comment

Dear minions

I’d really like to get a big barrel.

… not like a barrel of monkeys, just a big barrel. I think there’s a lot of interesting things to do with a big barrel.

If I got a big barrel of monkeys, I would empty out the monkeys and keep the barrel, because the monkeys just take up space and are also good for nothing.

I think I would have a lot of good times with a a big barrel.

If someone gave me a small barrel of monkeys, I wouldn’t even bother, because it has to be a big barrel for the things I have planned. Also, it’s harder to get monkeys out of a smaller barrel and I don’t need all the hassle.

Here are the top 5 things I would do with a big barrel and no monkeys:

1 – First of all, I would sit inside the barrel. I have never sat inside a barrel, and I think once you get a barrel big enough to fit yourself, it’s the first logical thing to do.

2 – Second of all, I would put someone else inside the barrel, cover it up, and roll it around in circles. Then I would roll it around in other shapes. Eventually I would roll it down a hill. This seems like a fun thing I would enjoy to do with my big barrel.

3 – Third of all, I would tip the barrel over and try to stand upon it. This would be really tricky to do without falling, but once mastered, I think I would be very popular at parties. If I ever decided to become a pirate, I think all the practice standing on my big barrel would help me have good balance on a boat.

4 – Fourth of all, I would flip the barrel upside down and play it like a drum. For the occasion I would wear a camouflage outfit and slather my body in tribal paints because until I had a big barrel, I could never pull this off.

5 – Fifth of all, I would name my barrel Murphy and draw him a smiley face. I would fill Murphy with beer and ask him to pass me a drink. Some days Murphy and I would talk about the weather or sports, or maybe the obliteration of all other lifeforms. Murphy would always keep a smile, no matter my mood and no matter which of the other top four things to do with a big barrel I would do with him. Some nights we would make love, but we wouldn’t tell anyone and we wouldn’t know how to do it.

I’d really like to get a big barrel. If you join the World Domination Newsletter, I’ll let you know if I ever do.

How to Tie Up a Good for Nothing “Chicken”

January 18, 2016 by Deceth Leave a Comment

Dear minions,

Today I’m going to teach you how to tie up a chicken in preparation for rotisserie cooking on the BBQ.

… learning how to tie up a chicken is great practice for when you need to tie up some good for nothing and extremely pesky hero above a fire-pit.

Heroes always escape because nobody ever ties them up properly. Your only hope is to master the secret art of poultry trussing.

Simple as that may sound, a chicken is indeed a formidable foe that should never be underestimated.

Step 1 – Make Sure the Chicken is Deceased

The one thing professional trussers always forget to mention is ALWAYS make sure your chicken is dead.

… feathers are not a vital organ so don’t assume the bird is deceased even if its plucked.

This step should only take a moment.

Poke the chicken several times with your index fingers in a gentle but not too awkward massage like motion down the spine and wait for a response.

… keep waiting.

The reason you want to wait so long and be entirely certain the chicken is deceased is because for the next step…

Step 2 – Insert your Arm into the Chickens Anus

Listen, store bought turkeys and chickens often come with little baggies stuffed deep into their anus.

… these baggies contain things like the liver, heart, and kidneys which might be of interest if you’re into weird ritualistic occult stuff.

This is why you never skip step 1…

If the chicken is still alive, step 2 will be very unpleasant for both parties – and if caught on film, your friends will never, ever, let you forget that time they tricked you into sticking your arm into the anus of a live chicken.

Step 3 – Beware of Escape Attempts

Listen, a great tasting chicken is going to need some great tasting seasoning.

… but as soon as you slap on some BBQ sauce, that bird is going to get slippery and slide all over the place.

Approach your chicken with caution at all times.

Pick up your chicken carefully, with a firm, but re-assuring grip.

Don’t leave your chicken on the edge of a counter…

Step 4 – Tie Up the Chicken!

Listen, you probably should have tied up the chicken before adding the BBQ sauce.

Anyways…

You can’t let your roast flop about unless you enjoy eating half-charred/half raw chicken.

… tie that sucker down!

But do it with gentle care and nimble precision.

There’s no point being tough and intimidating with a dead bird. If your chickens legs won’t cross, don’t force them or one of the legs will fall off… 🙁

Here is a video demonstrating how to truss a chicken:

Step 5 – Improvise!

Hey man, the above video is excellent if you happen to be trussing a chicken…

… but what if you’ve been practicing trussing chickens and now you’ve got a “chicken” that doesn’t match the shape and dimensions of the chicken in the video?

What if your “chicken” looks nothing like the big juicy celebrity chickens that make it on TV?

What if your “chicken” is 5’10, 170lbs, and was last seen wearing a red sweater with blue cut-off jeans?

… Improvise!

The video suggests using a cord about three times the length of the chicken…

Forget that.

Tie that chicken up real good and use the whole roll of rotisserie cord if necessary!

If the chicken looks like an Egyptian mummy by the time it goes into the rotisserie, that’s perfect.

There’s no better way to preserve a corpse.

Step 6 – Err, Eat the Chicken?

If your “chicken” is a chicken then you can eat the chicken.

If your “chicken” isn’t a chicken, then whether or not you eat the chicken really comes down to a lifestyle choice and how creepy you are.

Step 7 – Make a List of Topical Dinner Conversation Ideas

If you’re having folks over for dinner, you need to rehearse interesting dinner conversation ideas so your party isn’t weird and full of awkward moments of silence.

Thankfully, I’ve already done that for you.

First of all, a chicken dinner isn’t a chicken dinner without a lively debate over Which Came First, The Chicken or the Egg?.

And if someone says, “Wow, this food smells delicious!”, what a perfect time to ask if they’ve ever smelled the Best Smelling Google Nexus 5 Screen Protector.

Also, the best dinner parties are always hosted by someone who knows a lot of funny jokes so prepare yourself by reading the Very Evil List of Overlord Jokes. Like, the Most Evil One Ever!

… and later in the evening, after everyone has had a few drinks…

Stand-up on the table and declare the Top 5 things you would do with a big barrel and no monkeys.

Or maybe let people know about the impending obliteration of the universe.

Honestly, if you can host a good dinner party AND tie up superheroes without letting them escape, you have everything it takes to conquer the world.

Best Smelling Google Nexus 5 Screen Protector

November 23, 2015 by Deceth Leave a Comment

Dear minions,

Listen, I’ve smelled a lot of screen protectors in my day, but the Spigen Google Nexus 5 Crystal Clear Screen Protector is by far the best smelling screen protector of all!

Not only does the Spigen Google Nexus 5 Screen Protector smell great, but it also includes a lifetime warranty, meaning it’s guaranteed to never lose it’s wonderful aroma until after you’ve dropped dead!

… but wait, there’s so much more!

If you buy the Spigen Google Nexus 5 Screen Protector right now, it will arrive in a convenient 3-Pack, which means thrice the amount of joyous smelling crystal fresh FULL HD plastic odours!

I know, I know, this deal sounds too good to be true, but let me tell you something, it’s absolutely true!

When you get your Spigen Google Nexus 5 Screen Protector, you can smell it for yourself – of course, you can let others smell it too, like your friends, co-workers, or local grocer who thinks fresh basil smells great, but who has never smelled a Spigen Google Nexus 5 screen protector, so what could he possibly know about smells just from smelling vegetables – it only takes one whiff to be convinced!

Look, I know a lot of you have already smelled plenty of FULL HD plastic, but honestly, the Japanese PET Film Full HD plastic used in the Spigen Google Nexus 5 Screen Protector really takes the cake! I mean, I’m not crazy, there’s a reason this is the best smelling product you’ll find to protect your Google Nexus 5!

The Spigen Google Nexus 5 Screen Protector truly smells like a premium front-side screen protector. It smells nothing like those awful back-side screen protectors, and trust me, I’ve got a nose for premium FULL HD crystal clear plastic!

If you’re looking for the best smelling Google Nexus 5 screen protector on the market, look no further than the Spigen Google Nexus 5 Screen Protector, it’s the best smelling Google Nexus 5 screen protector of all!

Hey man, if you’re not convinced, just check-out all the reviews on Amazon, or leave a comment below to share your experiences with the smells of different screen protectors.

Hey Tim Hortons, Bring Back the Cherry Timbits!

March 30, 2015 by Deceth 4 Comments

Dear minions,

If you want to conquer the world, you need to take action when you’re passionate about something.

… don’t just sit around doing nothing when the things you care about are threatened.

For example, when Tim Hortons decides to just go ahead and discontinue cherry timbits, what the hell?!

I love cherry timbits, they’re like one of the top three timbit flavors.

If you need to discontinue something, how about “Glazed Orange Tangerine“, that’s the worst timbit ever – it looks just like honey dip so it’s very confusing, and horrible, and I hate them, and really what other color is tangerine, the name is just stupid.

So, of course I wrote an angry letter to Tim to get this mess sorted out…

Tim, Bring Back the Cherry Timbits!

Where are the Cherry Timbits?

Dear Tim,

I am your most deeply disturbed customer.

… but, I haven’t always been this way.

I used to be your most highly satisfied customer.

… until, lets say two months ago, because honestly if I had marked the date in a calendar I could be more specific, but I didn’t, so how am I supposed to remember exactly when you ran out of cherry timbits.

But you did.

… you ran out of all the cherry timbits!

And I know this with the type of certainty that is absolutely certain because I checked. I have been to 73 different Tim Hortons locations over the last, let’s say two months, and every single location shared a common lack thereof of cherry timbits.

You’re a smart guy Tim, so at this point, I know exactly what you’re thinking. “Well wait, there’s more than 73 different Tim Hortons locations in the world, so how can you really be certain with absolute certainty?”

… well let me tell you Tim.

There are 3,588 Tim Hortons locations in Canada, 859 in the United States and 38 in the Persian Gulf region, all of which have handy telephone numbers you can call to ask about whether or not they have any cherry timbits sitting on the shelf.

Guess what they all said?

… No!

They tell me cherry timbits have been discontinued…

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” (That’s what I said, because listen Tim, someone had to say it.)

… it’s not like there was a special cherry timbit factory that was shutdown, or a new model of timbit that could no longer support the infusion of cherry filling.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS TAKE ANY REGULAR TIMBIT AND STUFF IT FULL OF CHERRY. (‘Prenez la cerise et la foutre dans le timbit!’ I had to say a few times…)

… and it’s not like there’s some sort of shortage of cherry filling, because I checked this too, and I double-checked, and I’ve been asked to stop checking because the availability of cherry filling apparently does not fluctuate no matter if you call the suppliers in the morning, before or after lunch, or even around snack time.

Tim, I used to love snack time. Now what am I supposed to do? Just order some other type of timbit?

I can’t believe you willy-nilly cancel flavors of timbits without any concern for the cravings of Canadian citizens. I would start a petition, but that seems like a lot of work.

Between you and me, I know you must have a stash of cherry timbits leftover somewhere. Just tell me where they are and I’ll go pick them up. I won’t tell anyone. I mean, unless they’re in the Persian Gulf region, then maybe you could mail me one dozen because that’s a long way to go just for timbits.

Yours cravingly,
Deceth

P.S. Don’t think you can get away with this!

Listen, donuts are an important part of snack time.

Sooner or later, more pastries are going to realize this. In this day and age, it’s only a matter of time before the donuts demand equal rights.

A lot of doughnut enthusiasts I’ve asked already support the unionization of donuts…

The cherry timbits will never be forgotten!

We will honor their memory, unite, and make sure the next time you decide to discontinue any timbit, you better get a lawyer.

… Unless we’re talking about the Glazed Orange Tangerine timbits, you can just get rid of those, nobody likes them or cares about their feelings, they’re stupid.

How to Make Lolcats – Step by Step Guide

January 19, 2015 by Deceth 4 Comments

Dear minions,

Today, I’m going to teach you how to make lolcats.

In order to conquer the world, you need the ability to communicate with the primitive lifeforms you’re hoping to enslave. Unfortunately earthlings have devolved to the point where lolcats have become the preferred method for information distribution.

If you want to conquer Earth, you need to master the lolcat dialogue.

[Read more…]

27 Confucius Say Quotes that are Actually Funny

December 1, 2014 by Deceth 32 Comments

Dear minions,

The following is the ultimate top 27 list of Confucius say quotes.

… there are thousands of Confucius say quotes out there, but most suck.

I’ve removed all the stupid ones and 93% of the sexist ones. Even all the ones about farts.

What’s left is the Ultimate Top 27 list… A list of the most witty, intelligent, and actually funny Confucius say quotes.

If you want to conquer the world you need to memorize these quotes and spit-them-out whenever it’s your turn to talk during very important business meetings. Say them slowly, quizzically, and with intense glaring passion. You will impress with your vast wisdom and surely be promoted to the head of some department which is a pretty good start for any overlord during these tough economical times.

Confucius say…

Man who not poop for many days must take care of back log.
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!
Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.
When called an idiot, better to be quiet than open mouth and remove all doubt.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.
Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in own hands.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.
Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level.
Woman laid in tomb may become mummy.
Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

At least three of those implied farts with toilet or poop references…

Ok, so I lied about the farts, but Confucius say too damn much on the topic.

Either way, you must admit that I’m an expert in the collection of quotes. The above list is brilliant.

For further proof, check out these other ultimate quotes lists I’ve assembled for your enjoyment:

Not Safe to Drink from GoodLife Fitness Water Bottle

September 15, 2014 by Deceth 6 Comments

Dear GoodLife,

I recently acquired one of your red GoodLife Fitness water bottles. I was eager to quench my thirst at my next workout when I discovered to my dismay it was impossible to use this bottle securely. I’ve attached pictures demonstrating the problem…

Here is a picture of the instructions that came with the water bottle:

Step 3 clearly states: “Always ensure the lid is fastened securely before drinking”. As you can see in the next picture, I have taken the appropriate security precautions… As per the instructions, before drinking, I securely attach the lid…

[Read more…]

Warning: This Website May Have Come Into Contact with Nuts

September 8, 2014 by Deceth Leave a Comment

Dear minions,

This website may have come into contact with nuts.

If for some reason while reading one of my articles you find yourself suddenly offended or outraged, do NOT waste time sending me an angry email letter…

… you may actually be experiencing an anaphylactic reaction to nuts!

Just because I’m nuts, doesn’t mean I can help if you have a problem with nuts.

In fact, you should seek medical help immediately if my nuts are giving you a rash.

Tell your doctor you’re having an allergic reaction to a website and request a thorough cavity search because that’s where the website’s support department told you to shove it and so that’s where you expect the problem to be.

… don’t let your doctor talk you out of it!

Nuts can cause serious aggravation and you shouldn’t have to worry about cavities too.

If however you enjoy nuts, why not grab a handful and join the World Domination Newsletter.

New posts every Monday @ 7:01 AM. I’ll teach you how to make less than one-hundred billion dollars in thirty days or more guaranteed! See you soon.

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Err… How is the Rhombus Destroying the Porn Industry?

Right… But, the rhombus is just a shape…

Ok… but nobody is having sex with rhombuses…

Out of curiosity, what the hell does any of this have to do with World Domination?!

Ok, that makes sense… So what do we do?

Here are the top 5 things I would do with a big barrel and no monkeys:

Step 1 – Make Sure the Chicken is Deceased

Step 2 – Insert your Arm into the Chickens Anus

Step 3 – Beware of Escape Attempts

Step 4 – Tie Up the Chicken!

Step 5 – Improvise!

Step 6 – Err, Eat the Chicken?

Step 7 – Make a List of Topical Dinner Conversation Ideas

Tim, Bring Back the Cherry Timbits!

P.S. Don’t think you can get away with this!

The moral of the story…

Get more tips!

Confucius say…

At least three of those implied farts with toilet or poop references…

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