Funniest Quotes by Marvin from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Dear minions,

Marvin is without a doubt the most famous character from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series by Douglas Adams.

Marvin was originally built as a failed prototype of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation’s Genuine People Personalities technology. In a nutshell, Marvin is afflicted with severe depression and boredom, in part because he has a brain the size of a planet which he is seldom, if ever, given the chance to use.

… That is, until now.

You see, I’ve captured Not Really Marvin and locked him in my basement. For $5 you can interrogate Not Really Marvin and put his big brain to use.

The true horror of Marvin’s existence is that no task could ever occupy even the tiniest fraction of his vast intellect.

You can change that… You can interrogate Not Really Marvin and ask him anything. For $5, you get your own private AMA with Marvin!

If you want proof that I’ve captured Not Really Marvin, read this interrogation I conducted and decide for yourself.

If you’re a loser and don’t know who Marvin is, keep reading for a list of Marvin’s most famous quotes. You’ll understand soon why Marvin is the most famous robot in the galaxy.

Marvin: “I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed.”
Trillian: “Well, we have something that may take your mind off it.”
Marvin: “It won’t work, I have an exceptionally large mind.“

Marvin: “I am at a rough estimate thirty billion times more intelligent than you. Let me give you an example. Think of a number, any number.”
Zem: “Er, five.”
Marvin: “Wrong. You see?”

Marvin: “You can blame the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation for making androids with GPP…”
Arthur: “Um… what’s GPP?”
Marvin: “Genuine People Personalities. I’m a personality prototype. You can tell, can’t you…?”

Arthur: I think that door just sighed.
Marvin: Ghastly, isn’t it? All the doors on this spaceship have been programmed to have a cheery and sunny disposition.

“Trillian is one of the least benightedly unintelligent life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.” –Marvin

Arthur: “Marvin, any ideas?”
Marvin: “I have a million ideas. They all point to certain death.”

“Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don’t know why I bother to say it, oh God, I’m so depressed. Here’s another one of those self-satisfied doors. Life! Don’t talk to me about life.” –Marvin

“I could calculate your chance of survival, but you won’t like it.” –Marvin

“My capacity for happiness, you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first” –Marvin

[Discussing the police ship]
Marvin: That ship hated me.
Ford: Ship? What happened to it? Do you know?
Marvin: It hated me because I talked to it.
Ford: You talked to it? What do you mean you talked to it?
Marvin: Simple. I got very bored and depressed, so I went and plugged myself into its external computer feed. I talked to the computer at great length and explained my view of the universe to it.
Ford: And what happened?
Marvin: It committed suicide.

“Funny,” Marvin intoned funereally, “how just when you think life can’t possibly get any worse it suddenly does.”

“What’s up?” asked Ford.
“I don’t know,” said Marvin, “I’ve never been there.”

“The first ten million years were the worst. And the second ten million: they were the worst, too. The third ten million I didn’t enjoy at all. After that, I went into a bit of a decline. ” –Marvin

“I’d give you advice, but you wouldn’t listen. No one ever does.” –Marvin

Zaphod: “Can it Trillian, I’m trying to die with dignity.”
Marvin: “I’m just trying to die.”

“I’ve seen it. It’s rubbish.” –Marvin

“Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to take you down to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction? ‘Cos I don’t.” –Marvin

“I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed.” –Marvin

“Not that anyone cares what I say, but the Restaurant is on the other end of the universe.” –Marvin

“I’m not getting you down at all am I” –Marvin

Trillian: Marvin… you saved our lives!
Marvin: I know. Wretched, isn’t it?

Marvin: “And then of course I’ve got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side.”
Arthur: “Is that so?”
Marvin: “Oh yes. I mean I’ve asked for them to be replaced, but no one ever listens.”
Arthur: “I can imagine”

“Now the world has gone to bed
Darkness won’t engulf my head
I can see by infra-red
How I hate the night
Now I lay me down to sleep
Try to count electric sheep
Sweet dream wishes you can keep
How I hate the night” –Marvin

“You watch this door. It’s about to open again. I can tell by the intolerable air of smugness it suddenly generates.” –Marvin

“Let’s build robots with Genuine People Personalities,’ they said. So they tried it out with me. I’m a personality prototype. You can tell, can’t you?” –Marvin

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Into the interior of the planet. That is where we have to go. Down into the very depths of time itself where no man has trod these five million years. We are not gonna be great. We are not gonna be amazing. We are gonna be amazingly amazing!
Marvin: Sounds awful.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Can it, Marvin.
Marvin: Life. Loathe it or ignore it. You can’t like it.

“Do you want me to sit in a corner and rust, or just fall apart where I’m standing?” –Marvin

Arthur: I lived on a beautiful planet once.
Marvin: Did it have oceans?
Arthur: Oh yes; great big rolling oceans.
Marvin: I hate oceans.

“It’s the people you meet in this job that really get you down.” –Marvin

Marvin: I’ve been talking to the main computer.
Arthur: And?
Marvin: It hates me.

“Hardly worth anyone’s while to help a menial robot, is it ?… I mean, where’s the percentage in being kind or helpful to a robot if it doesn’t have any gratitude circuits?” –Marvin

“I only have to talk to somebody and they begin to hate me. Even robots hate me. If you just ignore me I expect I shall probably go away.” –Marvin

“This is the sort of thing you lifeforms enjoy, is it?” –Marvin

Marvin: [as they are gazing at the wonder of Magrathea] Incredible… it’s even worse than I thought it would be.

“Don’t pretend you want to talk to me, I know you hate me.” –Marvin

“The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago…. And that was with a coffee machine.” –Marvin

“I’m quite used to being humiliated,” droned Marvin, “I can even go and stick my head in a bucket of water if you like. Would you like me to go and stick my head in a bucket of water? I’ve got one ready. Wait a minute.”
“Er, hey, Marvin …” interrupted Zaphod, but it was too late. Sad little clunks and gurgles came up the line.
“What’s he saying?” asked Trillian.
“Nothing,” said Zaphod, “he just phoned to wash his head at us.”

“Why should I want to make anything up? Life’s bad enough as it is without wanting to invent any more of it.” –Marvin

“Wearily I sit here, pain and misery my only companions. Why stop now just when I’m hating it?” –Marvin

“Well I wish you’d just tell me rather than try to engage my enthusiasm.” –Marvin

Zaphod: There’s a whole new life stretching out in front of you.
Marvin: Oh, not another one.

“It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level.” –Marvin

“Reverse primary thrust, Marvin.” That’s what they say to me. “Open airlock number 3, Marvin.” “Marvin, can you pick up that piece of paper?” Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to pick up a piece of paper.”

Trillian: What are you supposed to do with a manically depressed robot?
Marvin: You think you’ve got problems. What are you supposed to do if you are a manically depressed robot?

“I won’t enjoy it.” –Marvin

Marvin: [talking about the Ultimate Question to the Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything] It’s printed in the Earthman’s brainwave patterns, but I don’t suppose you’d be interested in knowing that.
Arthur Dent: You mean you can see into my mind?
Marvin: Yes.
Arthur Dent: Well?
Marvin: It amazes me how you manage to live in anything that small.

“Sounds awful.” –Marvin

Sorry, we’re out of quotes…

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More quotes from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy!