How to Die a Horrible Death from Coral

Dear minions,

You probably don’t want to believe coral can actively pursue a moving fish BUT LOOK AT THE HORRIFYING PICTURE.

At night, coral can actively pursue just about anything. Sometimes you can even hear coral slowly scratching against the floor under your bed when it thinks you’re asleep…

If you’re worried a coral reef might eat you, BE WORRIED. Corals eat all sorts of people every year. If you don’t have nightmares of coral reefs slowly devouring you from the feet first, keep reading.

Would you trust a sea cucumber?

Listen, if you wouldn’t trust a sea cucumber, why would you trust coral? Corals are far more horrifying than sea cucumbers…

Coral reefs will kill you as many times as they want, then they’ll eat you, excrement you out, and another coral nearby will devour your excremented remains just in case you found a way to survive the first few rounds of torture and death.

Here are some other coral dangers discovered by survivors who were only partially eaten:

Coral Scapes

It turns out, getting scraped by a rough piece of coral is a common reef injury. This is because the coral is actively trying to eat you as you swim by, but by some miracle, it failed.

Even when the coral fails to eat you, it will still make sure you suffer.

When you get a coral scrape, the soft covering of the coral is torn off of the rough lower layer and deposited into the wound. This leads to a prolonged healing time, in comparison to most minor scrapes, with some coral scrapes taking months to heal.

Coral Reef Stings

Did you know there is such thing as fire coral? Guess what. Fire coral will actively try to sting you when you swim by because it wants you to die so it can eat you.

… and fire coral isn’t the only coral trying to kill you.

Hydroids, commonly found in shallow reef beds and resembling plume-like plants, also cause stings, as do some types of sponges. If you’re lucky, you’ll escape with a rash or inflammation lasting for a few days. Some people get painful swelling or blistering that lasts more than a week. Others drop dead and get eaten by the coral.

Other Reef Injuries

Coral actively works with other reef inhabitants to try and kill you.

Sea urchins will embed spines under you skin. Sea anemones and select species of fish, will sting, leading to reactions that range from minor skin irritation to painful swelling and, in some cases, death.

Did I mention, some coral can also be toxic? Coral poisoning can really fuck your shit up. You’ll notice a cut is healing slowly, leaking pus or fluids, or starting to swell suggesting the onset of poisoning. You’ll then start to get fever, chills, swollen glands and fatigue. The good news is, you probably won’t die for a few days so the coral won’t be able to eat you.

… unless you have an allergic reaction.

In that case, you might go into anaphylaxis shock, with symptoms, including low blood pressure, difficulty breathing and abdominal pain. Inevitably this leads to your death so the coral can eat you.

So, you’re saying coral reefs can eat me?

Listen, is this the first paragraph you’ve read or something? Did you not see the horrifying picture?

Yes, coral reefs can eat you.

Coral reefs will go out of their way to eat you.

Coral reefs don’t even have to be hungry, they’ll just paralyze you and keep you around for snacks later.

Your only hope for survival is to join the World Domination Newsletter!

This article was a joke right? Coral isn’t really going to eat me? Is it….?

Go read the news, coral reefs around the world are dying. Do you really think they’ll pass up an opportunity to eat you?

Here are the sources I used for this article which provide further scientific evidence regarding your imminent death from coral:

• Dangers of the Reef
• Coral Reef Injuries
• More Coral Reef Dangers

So if I stay away from Coral Reefs, I should be fine?

No.

Coral reefs are dying.

If they figure out humans are behind it, the corals are going to come for us. Nobody will be safe.

That’s why scientists are thinking human remains should be fed to corals instead of buried or cremated.

Either way, coral is inevitably going to eat you.

… Unless you subscribe to the World Domination Newsletter. For some reason, that should help.