How to make a Treasure Map like an Evil Overlord

Dear minions,

If you wish to rule an empire as an evil overlord, it’s important you send your rivals on the occasional wild goose chase. Allowing your enemies to “stumble upon” a well crafted treasure map is an ideal way to waste their time and resources.

Materials Needed:

• paper
• pen
• used tea bag (I’ve had success with earl grey. I do not recommend green tea or red berry…
• paper towel
• cooking oil

Once you’re ready, use the following 5 simple steps to creating a well concocted treasure map…

Step 1: Concoct a most mysterious plot…

The most important element of a well concocted map is to make the end-game appear achievable. Dangle hope just slightly outside of reach. Make the prize always seem to be around the next corner.

You don’t want your rivals shrugging off the opportunity to find unimaginable fortunes of loot. The beginning of the map must be easy so that the decision is taken to invest in the search… You want them to become fully entrenched in the mystery.

Your rivals must be able to follow the clues and receive feedback that they are on the right track. The locations must be real.

A nice touch is to sign the map with the initials of a villain whose well documented fortunes have never been discovered.

Step 2: Draw the treasure map…

Draw the map on a piece of white paper using black ink. Include compass points and written clues that will be clear enough to get the search started, but cryptic enough to keep it going for a long time.

Do not use straight lines. Those who use treasure maps to hide loot are never well versed in the art of geometry. I recommend squiggles, blotches and angles that cannot be accurately protracted.

Step 3: Add an authentic touch…

You want the treasure map to look old. Your rivals probably won’t carbon date the map, but if your paper is a standard printer-friendly ISO size like 8×11, this is suspicious…

Tear the edges off the map so it’s original size cannot be identified. Wipe a wet tea bag over both sides of the map to turn the paper a light brown color for an additional aging effect. Crumple up the map into a ball and let it dry over night.

Step 4: Final touches…

Gently open the map, and wipe both sides with cooking oil. Tea-bagging is great, but it’s not enough. Cooking oil will add an authentic crunch.

Blot off the excess cooking oil with paper towels. It is important to blot, not wipe. Never wipe a treasure map.

Finally, burn the edges of the map. I really don’t know why, but for some reason treasure maps are always burnt rather than kept in pristine condition in air-tight containers.

Step 5: Hide the map…

Hide the treasure map somewhere it will be discovered by your rival. Don’t make it obvious, they need to feel like they found the map, not like it’s a setup…

There is no need to rush, an evil overlord is patient. If your rival does not find the map for several years, that’s fine. It might even be better.