Not Safe to Drink from GoodLife Fitness Water Bottle

Dear GoodLife,

I recently acquired one of your red GoodLife Fitness water bottles. I was eager to quench my thirst at my next workout when I discovered to my dismay it was impossible to use this bottle securely. I’ve attached pictures demonstrating the problem…

Here is a picture of the instructions that came with the water bottle:

Step 3 clearly states: “Always ensure the lid is fastened securely before drinking”. As you can see in the next picture, I have taken the appropriate security precautions… As per the instructions, before drinking, I securely attach the lid…

Unfortunately, no matter what I try next, I cannot for the life of me find a method to release the liquid from the bottle. There is no way out. I’ve tried turning the bottle upside down, shaking, squeezing, catapulting from rooftops… Nothing works. The liquid remains safely embedded within the device.

My only clue is going back to Step 2 which states: “Do not over fill. Liquid may escape through the drinking hole when fastening the lid.” This sounds promising because this is precisely what I want. I need the liquid to escape from the bottle into my mouth. Preferably in a controlled manner….

So, it seems my only hope for drinking water requires that I ignore step 2 and over fill the bottle. Already I am nervous, but perhaps the authors of IKEA manuals also write for GoodLife …

Once the bottle is over filled and I begin to fasten the lid, I quickly discover my preference for a controlled output is not a feature of this Goodlife drink ware. Water does indeed escape… all over the place.

But I can’t drink it yet.

As per Step 3, I need to securely fasten the lid before drinking. Well shit, by the time the lid is fastened securely all the water is done escaping and I’m still f#%king thirsty and looking like a lunatic licking the droplets and condensation right off the bottle in a final act of desperation before everything dries up.

I’m thinking, maybe I should just remove the cover…

But the instructions are clear on this point. Always ensure the lid is fastened securely before drinking… and who in their right mind would dare drink insecurely. Who knows what sorts of risks that would entail, I can only assume the worst after what I’ve already gone through…

I mean, following the safety instructions I’ve already almost fallen off my roof trying to catapult the liquid out of the bottle. Imagine the dangers I might face if I completely disregard safety…

Please GoodLife, I take security very seriously and dare not risk personal injury. How do you drink from this bottle securely, I need to know.

I am so thirsty.

P.S. Is the #2 inside the cover a joke? Or maybe I selected the wrong model? Because this bottle will never help me go #1.