Dear minions,

If you’re using the word derp you must cease and desist immediately.

It has to stop now.

Seriously, you’re confusing a lot of people.

Derp, derp, derp.

Derp is a crappy word.

People who don’t know the meaning of derp assume you’re a Satan worshiper. It’s what people do when they don’t understand something.

Derp… it has to stop.

Stick to the basics.

Derp is an expression associated with stupidity – it’s a word uttered when one screws up.

The next time you feel the need to write “derp”, consider instead one of the following alternatives:

• shit
• crap
• turd
• feces
• poop
• dung
• stool
• crud
• #2

You see, it’s clear. The use of poo has a longstanding history for these sorts of things.

You can even use poo to look more sophisticated by using one of the following options:

• secretion
• discharge
• fecal matter
• defilement
• defecation
• excretion
• feculence (not to be confused with succulence)

In fact poo can be a very creative form of expression, as per the following examples:

• cow pies
• meadow muffins
• frazzle plop
• weary drizzle
• inside information

There is absolutely no need for derp.

Crap, shit, shitty… I mean, if you need to be a hipster, just take any of these well understood uses of excrement, and add-on whatever you like to make your usage unique.

Crapsticks, shitterbugs, whatever.

Just stop using derp.

For the sake of humanity I beg you, no more derp.