Dear minions,

The following is the ultimate top 27 list of Confucius say quotes.

… there are thousands of Confucius say quotes out there, but most suck.

I’ve removed all the stupid ones and 93% of the sexist ones. Even all the ones about farts.

What’s left is the Ultimate Top 27 list… A list of the most witty, intelligent, and actually funny Confucius say quotes.

If you want to conquer the world you need to memorize these quotes and spit-them-out whenever it’s your turn to talk during very important business meetings. Say them slowly, quizzically, and with intense glaring passion. You will impress with your vast wisdom and surely be promoted to the head of some department which is a pretty good start for any overlord during these tough economical times.

Confucius say…

1. Man who not poop for many days must take care of back log.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
3. War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
4. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
5. Man who sit on tack get point!
6. Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!
7. Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.
8. When called an idiot, better to be quiet than open mouth and remove all doubt.
9. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
10. He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.
11. Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
12. Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.
13. Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.
14. Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
15. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
16. Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in own hands.
17. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
18. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
19. Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.
20. Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
21. Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
22. Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.
23. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
24. Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
25. Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level.
26. Woman laid in tomb may become mummy.
27. Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

At least three of those implied farts with toilet or poop references…

Ok, so I lied about the farts, but Confucius say too damn much on the topic.

Either way, you must admit that I’m an expert in the collection of quotes. The above list is brilliant.

For further proof, check out these other ultimate quotes lists I’ve assembled for your enjoyment:

• The Ever Growing List of Sarcastic, Ironic and Witty Quotes
• 21 Witty Insults to Rule an Empire like an Evil Overlord
• Funniest Quotes by Marvin from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
• The Ultimate List of Quotes from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
• Chuck Norris Facts – The Worlds #1 Top Rated Exceedingly Popular and Also as-Good-as Garlic Dipping Sauce List