Dear minions,

I’ve talked a lot about the obliteration of all lifeforms the last few weeks thanks to the release of the Calendar of Destruction.

… it’s time to take a break from that.

It’s the Holiday Season after-all…

Instead, let’s talk about something a little more relaxing… like the incredible Hot Tub of Death! This pot of deliciousness is specifically designed to eradicate gingerbread folk before they entangle you in their complex plot of self-deprecating gluttony.

It looks comfortable… until they realize their feet have dissolved and there’s no escape.

mwhaha!

Why do you want to eradicate gingerfolk?!

Listen, if you want to conquer the world, you need to cut the calories.

… overlords need to be smart, strong and able to run for their lives when plans turn to excrement that hit the fan.

Gingerfolk are delicious dough creatures covered in icing and other murderous accessories like gumdrops and sprinkles.

… look, maybe you didn’t realize it, but that gingerbread abomination is trying to kill you with its payload of unhealthy ingredients!

Gingerfolk are cute and tasty, too good to be true. They’re evil little temptations… It’s a trap!

You might eat one… then two… then what?!

… i’ll tell you what.

Then you eat three and the gingerfolk win!

These gingerfolk sacrifice themselves one after the other. Like little lemmings, they line up and offer you a bite of their head, legs, whatever body part you want. They offer themselves as part of a suicide mission that sets you on a downward spiral of gluttony that has you over-indulging and fattening up.

… think about it. Who do you think sent the gingerfolk after you?!

Do you really think it’s a coincidence the sale of gym memberships spike every January after the gingerfolk are done running their smooth operation?

Are you saying the gingerfolk work for the gym?!

I’m saying someone is getting rich, while you’re getting fat.

I’m saying a brilliant overlord is conquering the world, while you’re building layers of flab.

I’m saying with a little self-control, the world could have been yours.

I’m saying when you eat the gingerfolk, there are consequences to pay…

Dude, it’s just a cookie that looks like a person…

It’s all fun and games until someone gets hungry.

… that’s when the gingerfolk come out.

If you want to conquer the world, this is the year to fight back. It won’t be easy, but your future depends on it. All the little decisions along the path to greatness are littered with sacrifice, self-control and dedication.

Throw the gingerfolk into the hot tub of death. Just do it and don’t think about it. Don’t make eye contact. Don’t lick your fingers.

… and don’t worry about the whole thing, it’s not cruel.

The cocoa burns right through the nerve endings so the gingerfolk never feel any pain. It’s a good way to go. It’s sort of how you might imagine a pleasantly scented tub of acid. Your body slowly gets soft and dissolves, but the room still smells great.

Seriously, don’t feel bad, this acid bath is nothing compared to the 400 degree formative minutes the gingerfolk spent in the oven before embarking on their mission to fatten you up.

It’s all good.

So if I don’t eat the gingerfolk, I’ll conquer the world?

I wish it were that easy.

… this is the year you start to recognize the obstacles in your path.

… this is the year you set some goals and do something about it.

… this is the year you take your first steps towards world domination.

And the very first step, well that’s the easiest one of all…

Join the World Domination Newsletter, because I’ll help you conquer the world. I’ll teach you how to make less than one-hundred billion dollars in thirty days or more, guaranteed!

mwahaha!

Do you know the Muffin Man?

Do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Do you know the muffin man,
Who lives down Drury Lane?

Yes, I know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, Yes, I know the muffin man,
Who lives down Drury Lane.

But, do you know the gingerfolk?
The gingerfolk? Ugh, what gingerfolk?
Look, you must know the gingerfolk…
Yes, of course I’m not insane!

So you know the gingerfolk?
Yes, the gingerfolk! The gingerfolk!
I’ve got a tub of gingerfolk…
Yes, of course I’ll bring chow mein!

…