Dear buttheads,

I’m a Frank-o’-lantern and I hate being called Jack.

It’s Frank.
My name is Frank.

My whole life jerks have called me Jack. I hate it.

I already have enough problems. You know I’m a giant orange vegetable right? Imagine if you were orange and had to let buttheads carve your face and call you Jack.

Have you ever seen a pumpkin with a normal looking face?!?
Never. Nobody says, “Handsome looking pumpkin!”.
You buttheads make me look like an idiot then post pictures saying, “Check out my Jack-o’lantern!”

What the hell man, I told you my name is Frank!!!

I let you scalp my head and rip my guts out, all I ask is that you call me Frank and not light scented candles in my stomach.

What kind of scary Frank-o’-lantern has an uplifting smell of lemongrass and lavender?!?

The worst part of Halloween is the polite kids.

The asshole kids, they’re great. They smash me in the driveway and end my misery right there and then. But not the polite kids…

“Trick-or-treat! I like your jack-o-lantern!”
IT’S FRANK!!!!!!!!!
MY NAME IS FRANK!