quotes

This list is exceedingly popular because it’s the sort of list that includes INSANE NEVER BEFORE RELEASED BONUS MATERIAL like Chuck Norris Poetry…

Jack can be nimble, and Jack can be quick,
but not even Jack can dodge a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

You see? Best list ever.

… but wait, there’s so much more!

Facts About How Chuck Norris WILL KILL YOU

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

… if you’re thinking – “Wow, one second, that’s impressive! I wonder how he’s gonna do it” – well, let me tell you, Chuck Norris can kill you with anything…

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. I mean, if there’s a corded phone around, that would work too, but you get the point. The man can improvise.

In fact, in the average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

… and if you’re thinking you can hide…

Chuck Norris knows where you live because Chuck Norris knows all the things he needs to know to find and kill you.

But more importantly, Chuck Norris knows where you die, because he has the whole thing planned out. Really, there’s not much to it, as discussed earlier, it only takes one second.

Now, if you’re thinking – “Bring it on Chuck Norris! You’re like 75 years old, I can take you” – here are some more facts you should consider…

This one time at band camp, a cobra bit Chuck Norris on the leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Also, this one time at another band camp, back when Mars was a popular destination for band camps, Chuck Norris went to band camp on Mars. Today, there are no signs of life on Mars.

An interesting fact though – Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano, so it must have been one hell of a band camp…

I can keep going, but I think you get the point.

You can run, but…

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. Including you.

A Chuck Norris Haiku!

Chuck Norris can win
a game of Connect Four
in three moves or less.

A Short Story About The Guy Who Crossed Chuck Norris Street

Once upon a time there used to be this street named Chuck Norris, but the name was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

If that wasn’t clear, let me explain in horrifying detail what this sort of anecdote really means…

It means all the people that crossed Chuck Norris street had their hearts ripped-out from their anus by Chuck Norris, and at no point would any of the participants have had the opportunity to request an autograph or take a photo to post to Facebook.

I know it’s kind of a sad story, but Chuck Norris doesn’t really care much about feelings.

Did you know Chuck Norris can make onions cry before he chops them up?

Seriously.

I don’t know how he does it either because I’ve tried all sorts of things – I’ve made onions watch as I’ve chopped up their onion friends and onion relatives into tiny little pieces. I’ve chewed vigorously on onions in an omelet. I’ve even flipped around onions in a frying pan with a sizzling layer of olive oil. Nothing. The onions just always seem to take it all in stride without ever shedding a tear… Oh well.

Hey man, did you know Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards? Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further! Just imagine how far Chuck Norris can throw your lifeless body back to the other side of Chuck Norris street!

Now you might be thinking the plot of any good short story involves an action scene with a tank chase. Am I right?

… But a tank won’t help you escape Chuck Norris if you cross Chuck Norris street.

You could even have an unnecessarily big frickin’ tank with big bad-ass guns, the type not really ideal for city-driving…

… But the thing is, bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Your tank won’t protect you at all even if you lock the doors and decide to just sit there and make faces out the window.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, just by whispering… bang!

You could try killing Chuck Norris in his sleep, but Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun just so he has something to suffocate you with.

… Look, you can never escape Chuck Norris.

And the thing is, Chuck Norris is coming for YOU because YOU crossed Chuck Norris street!

Chuck Norris still knows when someone crosses Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris can’t be fooled just by changing a street sign.

Hey man, I get it. You probably had no idea you crossed Chuck Norris street because it’s no longer named Chuck Norris which makes it very difficult to formulate any sort of ideas about it.

… But, that’s no excuse.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because nobody fools Chuck Norris. Ever.

You can of course try explaining the misunderstanding to Chuck Norris, not that it will help…

“Hey Chuck, bro, buddy, listen, I had no idea about the road… Err, well yeah, I crossed it, but it looked just like any other road… Err, no no, I’m not saying your road is ordinary, umm, it’s a very nice road? But, the sign, it didn’t mention your name… Wait, wait! Oh crap…”

The End.
… Of you.

Chuck Norris Facts About Some Useless Things

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris came before BOTH The Chicken and The Egg.

Did you know…

A “Handicap” parking sign doesn’t mean the spot is for handicapped people. It’s actually a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mean to beat up so many handicapped people, if they could just pay more attention to the warning signs…

A Few Chuck Norris Magic Tricks

Chuck Norris was born a magician. In fact, Chuck Norris was born in the house he built with his own two hands!

If you think that’s crazy, imagine this…

Chuck Norris pours the milk first. Then he pours the cereal. Then he places the bowl. And it all works out somehow…

Maybe it has something to do with time travel because Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he just decides what time it is.

Most of the time, Chuck Norris decides it’s killing time.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris. That’s kind of weird because Caller ID didn’t exist yet, but we’re talking about the same Chuck Norris who can cut through a hot knife with butter so I wouldn’t doubt it for a second.

Chuck Norris can even light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together. This comes in really handy when you’re stranded in the middle-of-no-where but have access to ice cubes.

Another Chuck Norris Haiku!

Chuck plans to kill you,
You should run and hide and cry,
But you are a fool.

Some More Chuck Norris Facts About Death… YOUR DEATH!

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants. As discussed, he wants to kill you.

… Nobody can save you.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing underwear on the outside of his pants.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance”.

… Which is useless advice, because you have no chance.

Chuck Norris Facts About Animals

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it’s just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass at night. I’m not sure why he would do this though, what an ass.

Here’s a few More Reasons Chuck Norris is an Ass

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off. This is really annoying because I can never figure out how to turn the dark back on after he leaves.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. This happens every time he asks to use the washroom and I hate it because he pretends like he didn’t just punch my mirror again for no reason.

Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone. That’s just perfect because honestly who doesn’t enjoy having that conversation with some asshat when they pickup the phone.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn, he stares at it and dares it to grow. Do you know how stupid he looks when he does this? I mow his lawn just to make him stop, but he swears it works.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles because hair doesn’t grow on steel. This wastes a lot of time at airports when women at security are forced to look-into-this matter; dirty-old-bastard.

5 Reasons I Already Regret Calling Chuck Norris an Ass

They once made Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise!!! I’m not really sure how you go about destroying the periodic table and sometimes wonder if maybe Chuck is just sitting in a room somewhere ripping up pieces of paper… But then I realized this is probably Chuck Norris’ scientific way of saying he’s going to suffocate me, you know, by taking away all the oxygen.

Most importantly though…

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding and I really don’t want to end up always hiding in crowds wearing the same clothes.

Its not over until Chuck Norris makes the fat lady sing.

Ok, now it’s over.

Some More Lists as-Good-as Garlic Dipping Sauce

Hey man, before Chuck Norris has a chance to kill you, why not check out these other hilarious lists:

21 Witty Insults to Rule an Empire like an Evil Overlord

October 3, 2016 by Deceth Leave a Comment

Dear minions,

In order to rule an empire, you need a bunch of sarcastic catchphrases.

In fact, if you read the Evil Overlord job description, you’ll notice the Big Boss must always be the most witty member of any evil-cast of villains.

Ruling an empire isn’t about big muscles or being a tough guy. The macho stuff is great for henchmen…

For an Evil Overlord, you need to be a mastermind. An evil genius. A hoopy frood who’s insanely brilliant!

… and to prove your superior intelligence, you need a bunch of witty quotes to constantly insult your minions!

Because it’s important to keep your minions on their toes…

… attentive and ready to serve.

And most importantly…

To avoid unpleasant uprisings and the sorts of situations that arise when confident co-workers start to believe they can do your job, you need your minions to be reminded that when compared to you, they are good for nothing.

21 Witty Insults that are Better than Anything you Could Think of on Your Own

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
I bet you get bullied a lot.
I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you. Just kidding, I hate you.
I realize you have an inferiority complex but it’s fully justified.

Want More Awesome Quotes? I’ve Got Some!

Hey man, I’m not just some one-trick-pony who’s only skill is World Domination.

… I’m also the ultimate master of quotes lists!

If you want to conquer the world, it helps to know a lot of famous quotes because knowing quotes tricks people into thinking you’re some sort of wise intellectual.

Take a look:

27 Confucius Say Quotes that are Actually Funny

December 1, 2014 by Deceth 32 Comments

Dear minions,

The following is the ultimate top 27 list of Confucius say quotes.

… there are thousands of Confucius say quotes out there, but most suck.

I’ve removed all the stupid ones and 93% of the sexist ones. Even all the ones about farts.

What’s left is the Ultimate Top 27 list… A list of the most witty, intelligent, and actually funny Confucius say quotes.

If you want to conquer the world you need to memorize these quotes and spit-them-out whenever it’s your turn to talk during very important business meetings. Say them slowly, quizzically, and with intense glaring passion. You will impress with your vast wisdom and surely be promoted to the head of some department which is a pretty good start for any overlord during these tough economical times.

Confucius say…

Man who not poop for many days must take care of back log.
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!
Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.
When called an idiot, better to be quiet than open mouth and remove all doubt.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.
Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in own hands.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.
Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level.
Woman laid in tomb may become mummy.
Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

At least three of those implied farts with toilet or poop references…

Ok, so I lied about the farts, but Confucius say too damn much on the topic.

Either way, you must admit that I’m an expert in the collection of quotes. The above list is brilliant.

For further proof, check out these other ultimate quotes lists I’ve assembled for your enjoyment:

Chuck Norris Poetry