Dear minions,

Let’s skip the small talk and get straight to the point…

HOLY SHIT IT’S SNOWING!

I could have built an evil headquarters inside a volcano like Dr. Evil, I bet that would have been nice…

Or I could have built a fort in the jungle with a pit of poisonous lizards and some mischievous pick-pocketing monkeys…

… But no!

Instead here I am in Canada living inside a very frigid and excessively polite ice-cube.

Instead of a death-ray, I have a floor mat that says, “Welcome” and then upside down it says “Come Again”. I hate it. I didn’t want you to come in the first place! I’d throw the damn thing in the garbage, but in Canada you can’t not have a floor mat because HOLY SHIT IT’S SNOWING!

… Also, the other ones say worse things like “Please Stay a While” and then upside down “Missing You Already”.

What’s up with all the Chipmunks?!

I don’t understand why there’s so many tiny miscreants in this frigidly frozen environment.

Listen, I’m the worlds most notorious supervillain – I need my headquarters surrounded by giant bears, alligators, or maybe a really big moose. All I’ve got is hundreds of these tiny obnoxious chipmunks…

Instead of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads I have chipmunks with nothing attached to their stupid little heads.

Chipmunks are good for nothing!

… Unless you consider digging holes and stealing cucumbers good for something. I don’t. I hate chipmunks and I wish they wouldn’t sit there watching me while I curse about my stupid floor mat.

But that’s NOT EVEN the worst part!

If all these things weren’t already bad enough for my credibility as the worlds most notorious supervillain, NOW I HAVE TO SHOVEL.

Let me Tell you Why Shoveling in Canada is so Ridiculous…

Listen, you’re not going to believe this, but I’m telling you shoveling is some sort of scam in Canada.

First of all, there’s frickin’ snow everywhere and all I ever do is shovel.

How am I supposed to find time to conquer the world if all I ever do is shovel? How is any Canadian supposed to do anything?

This is why the world thinks Canadians are so friendly! Canadians don’t have any free time to piss everybody off like normal people because they’re always outside shoveling.

The worst part is you can NEVER finish shoveling. You think you can, but you can’t.

Once you’re finally done the plow drives by and takes the snow your neighbor just spent all day shoveling, and moves it right in front of your laneway. Then the plow takes the snow you spent all day shoveling and moves it to your next neighbor. And so on. And so forth. Until the plow gets to the last house, and moves that snow back to the first guy so that everybody is just shoveling around the same snow in one never ending circle.

It’s ridiculous! This is exactly the sort of thing that turns a person into a crazy old man…

… But seriously, it’s got to be some sort of scam to make sure Canadians don’t get bored in Winter, because what else is there to do really?!?

I mean, some Canadians like to ski, but that’s because plummeting down a frozen hillside is the sort of thing someone depressed and suicidal might turn to once their hands are blistered from weeks of shoveling and they just can’t take it anymore.

HOLY SHIT IT’S SNOWING!