Dear minions,

Have you ever wondered what happens when you put super glue in a non stick pan?

YOU GET SMACKED IN THE HEAD WITH THE PAN, THAT’S WHAT.

I don’t know what sort of idiots I have working in my kitchen, but this is not the place for conducting toxic science experiments when I asked for an omlet three hours ago.

I don’t care if you thought you were inventing some sort of perpetual energy machine. I don’t care if you thought this could be the first room temperature superconductor. I don’t care if you thought you could become a celebrity by creating your own version of Myth Buster’s.

When I’m waiting for my breakfast I don’t need to see pictures of my minions popping up on Instagram with my kitchen set on fire in the background.

Listen, who the hell is making my omlet?

Cookware doesn’t grow on trees

Do you think I sit around planning a spare budget for cookware? Like when I meet up with Darth Vader and Dr. Evil at the annual golf tournament I ask them, “Hey guys, how much do you set aside each quarter for new mixing spoons?”

No way. I’m a supervillain. I’ve got bigger fish to fry…

I need to buy sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads.

I need to booby trap my office in case a wild italian plumber decides to jump on all my pet turtles until their heads explode.

I need to make sure I don’t get eaten by a sea cucumber.

The point is…

I WANT MY FRICKIN’ OMLET!!!