Dear minions,

Today I’m going to teach you how to tie up a chicken in preparation for rotisserie cooking on the BBQ.

… learning how to tie up a chicken is great practice for when you need to tie up some good for nothing and extremely pesky hero above a fire-pit.

Heroes always escape because nobody ever ties them up properly. Your only hope is to master the secret art of poultry trussing.

Simple as that may sound, a chicken is indeed a formidable foe that should never be underestimated.

Step 1 – Make Sure the Chicken is Deceased

The one thing professional trussers always forget to mention is ALWAYS make sure your chicken is dead.

… feathers are not a vital organ so don’t assume the bird is deceased even if its plucked.

This step should only take a moment.

Poke the chicken several times with your index fingers in a gentle but not too awkward massage like motion down the spine and wait for a response.

… keep waiting.

The reason you want to wait so long and be entirely certain the chicken is deceased is because for the next step…

Step 2 – Insert your Arm into the Chickens Anus

Listen, store bought turkeys and chickens often come with little baggies stuffed deep into their anus.

… these baggies contain things like the liver, heart, and kidneys which might be of interest if you’re into weird ritualistic occult stuff.

This is why you never skip step 1…

If the chicken is still alive, step 2 will be very unpleasant for both parties – and if caught on film, your friends will never, ever, let you forget that time they tricked you into sticking your arm into the anus of a live chicken.

Step 3 – Beware of Escape Attempts

Listen, a great tasting chicken is going to need some great tasting seasoning.

… but as soon as you slap on some BBQ sauce, that bird is going to get slippery and slide all over the place.

Approach your chicken with caution at all times.

Pick up your chicken carefully, with a firm, but re-assuring grip.

Don’t leave your chicken on the edge of a counter…

Step 4 – Tie Up the Chicken!

Listen, you probably should have tied up the chicken before adding the BBQ sauce.

Anyways…

You can’t let your roast flop about unless you enjoy eating half-charred/half raw chicken.

… tie that sucker down!

But do it with gentle care and nimble precision.

There’s no point being tough and intimidating with a dead bird. If your chickens legs won’t cross, don’t force them or one of the legs will fall off… 🙁

Here is a video demonstrating how to truss a chicken:

Step 5 – Improvise!

Hey man, the above video is excellent if you happen to be trussing a chicken…

… but what if you’ve been practicing trussing chickens and now you’ve got a “chicken” that doesn’t match the shape and dimensions of the chicken in the video?

What if your “chicken” looks nothing like the big juicy celebrity chickens that make it on TV?

What if your “chicken” is 5’10, 170lbs, and was last seen wearing a red sweater with blue cut-off jeans?

… Improvise!

The video suggests using a cord about three times the length of the chicken…

Forget that.

Tie that chicken up real good and use the whole roll of rotisserie cord if necessary!

If the chicken looks like an Egyptian mummy by the time it goes into the rotisserie, that’s perfect.

There’s no better way to preserve a corpse.

Step 6 – Err, Eat the Chicken?

If your “chicken” is a chicken then you can eat the chicken.

If your “chicken” isn’t a chicken, then whether or not you eat the chicken really comes down to a lifestyle choice and how creepy you are.

Step 7 – Make a List of Topical Dinner Conversation Ideas

If you’re having folks over for dinner, you need to rehearse interesting dinner conversation ideas so your party isn’t weird and full of awkward moments of silence.

Thankfully, I’ve already done that for you.

First of all, a chicken dinner isn’t a chicken dinner without a lively debate over Which Came First, The Chicken or the Egg?.

And if someone says, “Wow, this food smells delicious!”, what a perfect time to ask if they’ve ever smelled the Best Smelling Google Nexus 5 Screen Protector.

Also, the best dinner parties are always hosted by someone who knows a lot of funny jokes so prepare yourself by reading the Very Evil List of Overlord Jokes. Like, the Most Evil One Ever!

… and later in the evening, after everyone has had a few drinks…

Stand-up on the table and declare the Top 5 things you would do with a big barrel and no monkeys.

Or maybe let people know about the impending obliteration of the universe.

Honestly, if you can host a good dinner party AND tie up superheroes without letting them escape, you have everything it takes to conquer the world.