Why the Ban on Feeding Cows Cannabis is Cruel

Dear minions,

You know what really makes me want to build a giant space laser? Switzerland’s Agriculture Ministry. Not because I’m a carnivore and think eating helpless vegetables is cruel or because I think they should stick to making chocolate. Nope, that’s all fine and dandy! The problem is when they decide to place a ban on feeding cows cannabis…

Farmers in Switzerland agree that cannabis is an affordable way to feed their cows and keep them happy too. It’s a win-win, two birds with one stoned cow, or two cows with one doobie…

The Agriculture Ministry however states that the active ingredient in cannabis, THC, can get into cow milk and create a health risk problem. However, artificial growth hormones designed to increase milk production when there is already an oversupply of milk are considered perfectly safe by the ministry.

But listen.

If anyone should be allowed to get high, its the cows. We’ve taken all meaning and fun out of their lives. We treat the cows like commodities, to use, tip over, and barbecue as we please. There are no cows living in the wild anywhere in the world, we have enslaved the entire cow population… Despite this, cows aren’t on any endangered species lists because we no longer bother to consider them animals. We see cows as burgers and jugs of milk. They have nothing going for them besides exploitation…

But, do you ever hear the cows complain about this whole situation? No! Cows are always happy to serve. They’ll slice you off a steak, or roll themselves into a meatball with nothing but a smile.

Just let the cows get high…

Of course, the ministry will argue that it’s our responsibility to educate the young cows about the dangers of drugs and peer pressure. You don’t want cows to grow up and spend their lives flipping into burgers at McDonald’s, being fed to humans by employees making minimum wage? That’s what drugs will do to you according to the ministry… They claim to have studies proving that cows not consuming cannabis have much better chances of becoming prime rib steaks.

I disagree.

I think any cow has the potential to become a prime rib steak, regardless of whether or not they eat marijuana. In fact, I think happy cows make for happier burgers and happier burgers make for happier people so that all-in-all there really won’t be any need to be depressed if we just let the cows get high before we march them off to die.

Cannabis keeps cows happy, it’s a recipe for success.

THC doesn’t accumulate in the food chain like poisonous mercury, yet fish haven’t been banned from swimming in the waters we pollute and continue to make dangerous to our own health. Why take out our problems on the cows, just let them get high, let them get high, let them get high.