Who Keeps Planting Potatoes on my Lawn?!

A quizzical potato head
Dear minions,

When someone plants potatoes on my lawn I get upset. It’s not that I dislike potatoes – in fact I find them quite tasty and aesthetically pleasing…

The problem is WTF?!

Don’t mess with an evil overlords lawn if you know what’s good for you.

When it comes to my lawn, I have one very simple rule: My lawn should not contain potatoes, reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

If you plant potatoes on my lawn, there will be consequences. I will retaliate. Don’t think that because I’m an evil overlord I don’t have access to my own arsenal of vegetables.

You will pay.

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How Men Without Underwear Cause Soaring Beer Prices

Dear minions,

You know what really makes me want to throw-back a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster?

drunk Scottish men lifting their kilts to strangers in Poland.

Not because they horrify Polish residents who feel such behaviour is inappropriate…

Not because they risk getting frostbite on their genitals when they inevitably pass-out in a gutter…

I’m not even upset this could stir up a debate that might end with Poland banning “men-in-skirts” (or at least result in a law making underwear obligatory).

Nope, I just don’t see the downside to that stuff.

What bothers me is how this will impact the price of alcoholic beverages in Poland!

WHAT?! Don’t mess with the beer!

Poland is a major destination for tourists because of the cheap beer. Cheap bear, however, is also the primary contributing factor explaining why Scots are running around Poland exposing themselves… Unfortunately, rather than turning towards the regular stuff like violence, drinking & driving, or really bad karaoke, drunk Scots are perfectly content hiding behind tree’s ready to flash unsuspecting victims.

This sort of behaviour is generally ill-received…

In fact, many polish citizens have reported feeling frightened upon discovering what the drunk Scots have under their kilts…

But how does this affect the price of beer?

First of all, drunk Scots can only stagger so far before collapsing unconscious in a ditch.

Therefore, the under-kilt-sightings will have the highest density within the “staggering radius” surrounding the bars in Poland.

Frightened citizens will avoid this “Flashing Zone of Terror” at all costs, meaning many will avoid Poland’s bars.

So how do the bars stay in business?! If they decrease the price of beer, this will only make the problem worse by attracting more Scottish flashers…

This is a very big problem for anyone who enjoys cheap beer without all the testicles.

The only solution to reduce the amount of exposed testes is to increase the price of beer.

… but this is a problem for everyone who enjoys cheap beer. Like me.

Ahh! The horror!

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough problems recently, that with the rhombus destroying the porn industry and people planting potatoes on my lawn

It’s time we erect a stand against all the genitals threatening the beer industry!

It’s time we circumcise the issue at the source!

It’s time we tell all the scrotum’s, enough is enough!

The next time you’re enjoying a beer and someone shows you what’s under their kilt , please kick them in the nuts. Trust me, they won’t mind, they don’t want to pay more for beer either.

Colbert Suspected in Murder of Captain America

Dear minions,

I’ll tell you who really killed Captain America… Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert conveniently inherited Captain America’s shield following the characters death and is rumored to have thus been inducted honorarily as a character in the Marvel Universe. The shield was initially reported as missing, but later turned up in the hands of Colbert on television during Comedy Central’s, “The Colbert Report”. Colbert claims Steve Rogers (i.e. Captain America!) bequeathed the shield to him in his Will. S.H.I.E.L.D. is currently investigating the validity of the Will.

While Colbert bids farewell to Captain America, one has to wonder, did he do it? Did Stephen Colbert murder Captain America? One may argue that he lacks the qualities of a super hero villain, but what if Stephen Colbert is really the alter ego of Crossbones or Dr.Faustus?! Let’s not forget Colbert’s performance at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner… According to Michael Scherer, “Stephen Colbert is a dangerous man — a bomb thrower, an assassin, a terrorist with boring hair and rimless glasses. It’s a wonder the Secret Service let him so close to the president of the United States.”

Colbert has appeared in Maxim Online and People Magazine as one of the sexiest men alive. How many political satirists with boring hair and rimless glasses have been declared sexy before Colbert? It’s never been done before. It can’t be done. At least not on looks alone, which is why Colbert needs to maintain a bad-boy image to impress the ladies. Bad enough to kill Captain America? I think so…

If you think the evidence ends there you’re wrong! When Captain America realized his fight against the Registration Act was putting the lives of civilians in danger, he ordered the anti-Registration forces to stand down. Colbert, who had a vested interest in the liberty of the super-powered beings via his ice cream business (i.e. Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream – …the sweet taste of liberty…), could not allow the fight against registration to be lost, and thus needed to murder Captain America in order to allow a new leader, possibly Punisher, to continue the battle!

You see, the Comics Code Authority (CCA) was created to regulate the content of comic books and prevents super-powered beings from consuming alcohol. With beer outlawed to super-beings, Colbert’s ice cream business makes a fortune. It’s like when the sale of alcohol was made illegal in the United States during the prohibition between 1920-1933 and the demand for ice cream soared up by 71%.

Motive for murder?

Motive for murder?

Think about it. Without the registration act, Colbert sells plenty of ice cream. But, with the registration act, all registered super-beings gain civilian rights while unmasked. Therefore with the registration act, super-beings would finally be allowed to grab a beer after work! This would be devastating to Colbert’s ice cream business… Ladies and gentlemen, that is motive for murder! Colbert needed Captain America dead to ensure the fight against registration continued so that super-beings remained outlawed from consuming alcohol.

Do not let the fact that Captain America is a comic book character stand in the way of justice. Stephen Colbert must pay for the crimes he has committed! Get out your plungers and stand up for Steve Rogers.

Don’t let fiction and reality become two separate entities!

How the Rhombus is Destroying the Porn Industry

This is a very interesting rhombus!

This is a very interesting rhombus!

Dear minions,

You know what really makes me want to stick a plunger to the surface of my head? No, not clogged toilets… Antonella Barba not winning American Idol. Not because she had the talent to do so or because the media and American Idol took advantage of her unfortunate situation to selfishly boost their own ratings… That’s a part of life in the 21st century and we’re more than happy to accept it. I’m upset because all this controversy might lead people to actually care about celebrity exploitation. If we go down that slippery slope what next? Do we have to start caring about poverty, child labour and all the other sorts of inequalities that plague the world?!?!

Now listen, I’m sorry, but I have better ways to spend my time than saving the world. For example:

  • I can look for wet t-shirt pictures on the internet.
  • I can recite the alphabet backwards.
  • I can juggle melons before they’re ripe because everyone knows dropping a ripe melon is way too messy.

But you know what I can’t do? I can’t stand idle, not while an idol’s banishment brings important issues to the forefront of the media and puts all of these favorite pastimes at risk. It’s time we take a stand against taking a stand! It’s time we take action before people start standing up for what they believe, before people stop idly accepting things the way they are! Before all the horrible things we love and take for granted are taken away!

If we don’t start a petition now to bring back Antonella Barba, her moment of fame will be gone forever, or at least until the release of the next Girl’s Gone Wild DVD. If we wait that long to stand up for what’s right, the world as we know it could cease to exist. Already Google Trends have shown that more and more people are searching the Internet for the word “rhombus“. Do you know what a “rhombus” is? I’ll tell you what it’s not. It’s not the shape people should be searching the internet for if you know what I mean…

Do you want your children to grow up in a world where everyone cares more about inequality and geometry than pornography? Do your part to save our culture and the selfish egocentric bubble that helps us sleep at night. Bring back Antonella Barba!