Dear minions, The problem with werewolves is every full moon they get the munchies and eat people. Sometimes this personality trait can be convenient when they eat the right people, but usually it’s just a lot of paperwork with a big lineup of minions standing outside HR in the morning with werewolf grievance after grievance. Look, it’s not my fault Moonfang … [Read More...]
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I’m a Frank-o’-lantern, only buttheads call me Jack!
Dear buttheads, I'm a Frank-o'-lantern and I hate being called Jack. It's Frank. My name is Frank. My whole life jerks have called me Jack. I hate it. … [Read More...]
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What Happens If I Put Super Glue in a Non-Stick Pan?
Dear minions, Have you ever wondered what happens when you put super glue in a non stick pan? YOU GET SMACKED IN THE HEAD WITH THE PAN, THAT'S WHAT. I … [Read More...]
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Elves are 8 inches tall, don’t ask them!
Dear minions,I just found out elves are 8 inches tall.I know this because I measured an elf and it was 8 inches tall.This is quite remarkable because it's not every day you get to measure an elf. Most often what happens when an elf walks by is..."Shit I don't have my measuring … [Read More...]
The Ever Growing List of Sarcastic, Ironic and Witty Quotes
Dear minions, As an evil overlord, it's important to have a set of quotes handy at all times in order to out-duel an adversary in a verbal showdown of wits. Bookmark this page, more quotes are added nefariously! … [Read More...]
Holy Shit it’s Snowing
Dear minions, Let's skip the small talk and get straight to the point... HOLY SHIT IT'S SNOWING! I could have built an evil headquarters inside a volcano like Dr. Evil, I bet that would have been nice... Or I could have built a fort in the jungle with a pit of … [Read More...]
Chuck Norris Facts, Quotes, & Bedtime Stories
Dear minions, Listen, there's a lot of Chuck Norris lists out there... ... They suck. This is the #1 undisputed top rated Chuck Norris list of them all. Bookmark it. ... Share it. Fear it. Chuck Norris Poetry This list is exceedingly popular because … [Read More...]
21 Witty Insults to Rule an Empire like an Evil Overlord
Dear minions, In order to rule an empire, you need a bunch of sarcastic catchphrases. In fact, if you read the Evil Overlord job description, you'll notice the Big Boss must always be the most witty member of any evil-cast of villains. Ruling an empire isn't about big … [Read More...]
You’ll Never Believe this Neanderthal Itch Relief Secret
Dear minions, If you've got an itch, The Bear Claw Back Scratcher is the most satisfying itch relief tool in the shape of a bear claw on the market. Neanderthals have used bear claws to cure itching for centuries! With your very own Bear Claw Back Scratcher you can … [Read More...]
How to make a Treasure Map like an Evil Overlord
Dear minions, If you wish to rule an empire as an evil overlord, it's important you send your rivals on the occasional wild goose chase. Allowing your enemies to "stumble upon" a well crafted treasure map is an ideal way to waste their time and resources. Materials … [Read More...]