Published by

Deceth

Dear minions,

The following is the ultimate top 27 list of Confucius say quotes.

… there are thousands of Confucius say quotes out there, but most suck.

I’ve removed all the stupid ones and 93% of the sexist ones. Even all the ones about farts.

What’s left is the Ultimate Top 27 list… A list of the most witty, intelligent, and actually funny Confucius say quotes.

If you want to conquer the world you need to memorize these quotes and spit-them-out whenever it’s your turn to talk during very important business meetings. Say them slowly, quizzically, and with intense glaring passion. You will impress with your vast wisdom and surely be promoted to the head of some department which is a pretty good start for any overlord during these tough economical times.

Confucius say…

Man who not poop for many days must take care of back log.
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!
Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.
When called an idiot, better to be quiet than open mouth and remove all doubt.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.
Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in own hands.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.
Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level.
Woman laid in tomb may become mummy.
Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

At least three of those implied farts with toilet or poop references…

Ok, so I lied about the farts, but Confucius say too damn much on the topic.

Either way, you must admit that I’m an expert in the collection of quotes. The above list is brilliant.

For further proof, check out these other ultimate quotes lists I’ve assembled for your enjoyment:

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32 responses to “27 Confucius Say Quotes that are Actually Funny”

AnimeSponge

August 3, 2015

Pretty sure none of this is legitimate information.
Hans Olo

September 16, 2015

Heard the same from Jar Jar Binks……he was a jerk!
Brian

September 17, 2015

So how did Confucius manage to make a joke about car exhausts in 500bc? You gobshite!, lol
Brian Burns

October 15, 2015

No, you managed to miss all of the actually funny ones.
deceth

October 15, 2015

What?! Which ones?! Man who pamper cow, get spoiled milk? Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find nuts?
deceth

October 15, 2015

You’re right, the quote evolved over time. It was originally, “Vegetable that lay in front of camel get squashed, squash that lay behind camel look like cabbage.”
deceth

October 15, 2015

Are you some sort of expert in legitimacy?
deceth

October 15, 2015

Jar Jar was trying his best in a complex galaxy, pitted against vast forces of
evil… Definitely a jerk!
VEREDE

October 22, 2015

No, that guy is just a dick. I liked it.
mik73

November 27, 2015

Hmm I bet if you exchanged all the male pronouns with female pronouns 1/2 your list would then be deemed sexist as well. Confucius say: Man who try to keep up with feminist inferiority complex, develop one himself.
deceth

November 30, 2015

The problem is women don’t just drop their watches into toilets, hold in their poop for weeks, or walk through airport turnstiles sideways… For people to relate to the jokes, it’s got to be believable, and male stupidity is far more believable in my opinion.
James Trebilcock

December 28, 2015

You forgot one of the best ones. “Go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with smelly finger”
Kenneth Carpenter

January 29, 2016

“Man who make mistake on elevator, is wrong on many levels.” I was sad to see that this one was not on there…
mothercareguide

October 9, 2016

I like Confucius quotes
HKA

November 1, 2016

An excellent collection, but it’s missing one of my favorites: “Pilot who fly upside down have crack up.”
CaseyWells

November 28, 2016

How about, Confucius say; “woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, spring off-spring next spring.” lol, sounds like some pretty sage advise there…..or man who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution in hand.
Yong Yan

December 22, 2016

“If you make a mistake and do not correct it, this is called a mistake.” Your heads are full of shit, so you can only think of these.
Simon Quarry

January 22, 2017

OK if man meet girl in park better still man park meet in girl…..
Rupert Ritzik

March 4, 2017

well that was a conversation killer and no mistake 🙂
Luke Holton

March 31, 2017

That is sexiest, either you are a self loathing man or a bitter woman.
deceth

April 11, 2017

Of course I’m sexy, but thanks.
deceth

April 11, 2017

I see what you did there.
deceth

April 11, 2017

I left out the ones that were personally relevant.
deceth

April 11, 2017

Good mix of suggestions; from sophisticated to hands-on.
deceth

April 11, 2017

In my office, I think people must be scared of getting pushed down the stairs because they constantly take the elevator to go up 1 floor…
deceth

April 11, 2017

mwahaha!
Manstrife

June 16, 2017

forgot the best one. “Man who stick dick in peanut butter is fucking nuts”
Myles

July 14, 2017

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Catkin Svedka

November 11, 2017

Confucius never said any of those.
deceth is stupid

January 26, 2018

Wait…you start by saying you’ve removed the sexist jokes about women then go making sexists comments about males instead?
Do you not see your own hypocrisy?
deceth

January 26, 2018

Sometimes I forget how smart I am that I neglect to explain the utterly brilliant complexity of my jokes to the lesser minded.

The reason men flush their watches down toilets more frequently than women is because they stand-up to pee. Hey man, it happens. The joke is not sexist because I do believe women – if given equal opportunity – would be just as capable of flushing their watches down toilets with the same statistical probability. Unfortunately, for an important reason I’d rather not describe in detail, woman often choose to sit. These are just facts arranged in such a way that they may appear comical. I guess you didn’t laugh. Oh well.

The part about holding in poops, I’ll give you that one. Woman who hold in poop for many days must also take care of back log.

Now as for airport turnstiles… clearly you must understand that taking a hit to the groin hurts a lot more if you’ve got ball? It’s not sexist for a man to have balls I don’t think. It just hurts more. It’s not that women don’t walk through turnstiles sideways, it’s just that there are non-sexist facts why it is a lot more stupid for a man to do it.
Patsy Devers

February 6, 2018

Deceth, you know some people would find something to gripe about because they have a problem with self. Get over yourself and quit looking for petty shit to mouth about. Good job deceth.