Top 5 things I would do with a big barrel and no monkeys

Dear minions

I’d really like to get a big barrel.

… not like a barrel of monkeys, just a big barrel.

I think there’s a lot of interesting things to do with a big barrel.

If I got a big barrel of monkeys, I would empty out the monkeys and keep the barrel, because the monkeys just take up space and are also good for nothing.

I think I would have a lot of good times with a a big barrel.

If someone gave me a small barrel of monkeys, I wouldn’t even bother, because it has to be a big barrel for the things I have planned. Also, it’s harder to get monkeys out of a smaller barrel and I don’t need all the hassle.

Here are the top 5 things I would do with a big barrel and no monkeys:

1 – First of all, I would sit inside the barrel. I have never sat inside a barrel, and I think once you get a barrel big enough to fit yourself, it’s the first logical thing to do.

2 – Second of all, I would put someone else inside the barrel, cover it up, and roll it around in circles. Then I would roll it around in other shapes. Eventually I would roll it down a hill. This seems like a fun thing I would enjoy to do with my big barrel.

3 – Third of all, I would tip the barrel over and try to stand upon it. This would be really tricky to do without falling, but once mastered, I think I would be very popular at parties. If I ever decided to become a pirate, I think all the practice standing on my big barrel would help me have good balance on a boat.

4 – Fourth of all, I would flip the barrel upside down and play it like a drum. For the occasion I would wear a camouflage outfit and slather my body in tribal paints because until I had a big barrel, I could never pull this off.

5 – Fifth of all, I would name my barrel Murphy and draw him a smiley face. I would fill Murphy with beer and ask him to pass me a drink. Some days Murphy and I would talk about the weather or sports, or maybe the obliteration of all other lifeforms. Murphy would always keep a smile, no matter my mood and no matter which of the other top four things to do with a big barrel I would do with him. Some nights we would make love, but we wouldn’t tell anyone and we wouldn’t know how to do it.

I’d really like to get a big barrel. If you join the World Domination Newsletter, I’ll let you know if I ever do.