Algal Bloom of Death

Dear minions,

It would suck if all the water in the world turned green.

… but it’s only a matter of time.

Maybe months.

… maybe years.

The algae is coming to kill us.

Every time humans dump waste into the worlds water supply there is another opportunity for algae to rise up and overthrow all the splendidly laid out ecosystems life is dependent on for survival.

Algal blooms are a very serious problem.

Algal blooms are not just some hypothetical doomsday conspiracy either, they have been plaguing lakes around the world in increasingly alarming numbers.

… if you think you waste a lot of time waiting for the bus to never arrive on time now, wait until the algae kills everyone and you’ll finally appreciate how good you had it.

Why should I worry about algal blooms?

Look, maybe you weren’t paying attention last paragraph so let me summarize the horror for you…

If algal blooms were to happen on a global scale, the ensuing disaster and chaos would be unfathomable because everyone would die.

There would be no water left to drink.

… if you didn’t know, water is an essential ingredient in the beer making process so you won’t be able to drown the sorrow in a miserable moment of depressed alcoholism.

You’ll just shrivel up like an old moldy apricot.

When the wind erodes away the flaking dusty remains of your corpse, all that will remain in the path of destruction is the pair of boots you chose to wear the day you died so history will forever remember your questionable fashion choices.

What are the odds algae wipes out humanity during my lifetime?

There are going to be a lot of algal blooms, but listen, the good news is algae isn’t a predator….

You don’t have to run away from algae, it’s not going to chase you down the hallway on prom night or wait for you in the backseat of your car. Algae isn’t going to grab you from the ankles and drag you into the sewers, or sneak out from the pipes in your home and strangle you in your sleep.

When you think about it, an algal bloom of death is one of the more peaceful ways the world can end. It can actually be pretty fun, like a game of hot potato where every month some lake turns green and another community shrivels up.

… and remember, someone always wins a game of hot potato. In fact, I’ve already discussed how you can prepare for an algal doomsday so you can make one-hundred billions dollars in the aftermath of apocalypse!

2014 Calendar of Destruciton

If you’re starting to worry about algal blooms of death, don’t sweat it. I mean, they’re not that much worse than supervolcanos of destruction or asteroid impacts of doom…

… what you really need to worry about is what’s coming next. You can find out by buying the 2014 Calendar of Destruction!

Each month you can learn about increasingly terrible and slightly more probable ways you are likely to die and perish.

What you’ve seen so far is just a warmup for the terror to follow… I’ll tell you all about it next week, Monday @ 7:01 AM.

… If you have half-a-brain, you’ll subscribe to the World Domination Newsletter so you never miss a thing.