A Supervillain's Journey to World Domination

  Dear minions, Today I’m going to teach you how to tie up a chicken in preparation for rotisserie cooking on the BBQ. … learning how to tie up a chicken is great practice for when you need to tie up some good for nothing and extremely pesky hero above… Read more: How to Tie Up a Good for Nothing “Chicken”

Dear minions, The problem with werewolves is every full moon they get the munchies and eat people.  Sometimes this personality trait can be convenient when they eat the right people, but usually it’s just a lot of paperwork with a big lineup of minions standing outside HR in the morning… Read more: What to do about werewolves that eat their colleagues

Dear buttheads, I’m a Frank-o’-lantern and I hate being called Jack. It’s Frank. My name is Frank. My whole life jerks have called me Jack. I hate it. I already have enough problems. You know I’m a giant orange vegetable right? Imagine if you were orange and had to let… Read more: I’m a Frank-o’-lantern, only buttheads call me Jack!

Dear minions, Have you ever wondered what happens when you put super glue in a non stick pan? YOU GET SMACKED IN THE HEAD WITH THE PAN, THAT’S WHAT. I don’t know what sort of idiots I have working in my kitchen, but this is not the place for conducting… Read more: What Happens If I Put Super Glue in a Non-Stick Pan?

Dear minions, I just found out elves are 8 inches tall. I know this because I measured an elf and it was 8 inches tall. This is quite remarkable because it’s not every day you get to measure an elf. Most often what happens when an elf walks by is…… Read more: Elves are 8 inches tall, don’t ask them!

Dear minions, As an evil overlord, it’s important to have a set of quotes handy at all times in order to out-duel an adversary in a verbal showdown of wits. Bookmark this page, more quotes are added nefariously!

Dear minions, Let’s skip the small talk and get straight to the point… HOLY SHIT IT’S SNOWING! I could have built an evil headquarters inside a volcano like Dr. Evil, I bet that would have been nice… Or I could have built a fort in the jungle with a pit… Read more: Holy Shit it’s Snowing

Dear minions, Listen, there’s a lot of Chuck Norris lists out there… … They suck. This is the #1 undisputed top rated Chuck Norris list of them all. Bookmark it. … Share it. Fear it. Chuck Norris Poetry This list is exceedingly popular because it’s the sort of list that… Read more: Chuck Norris Facts, Quotes, & Bedtime Stories

Dear minions, In order to be a true supervillain it is essential to have a bunch of sarcastic catchphrases. If you watch any movie you’ll notice the head honcho is always the most witty member of any cast of villains. Ruling an empire isn’t all about big muscles. The macho… Read more: 21 Witty Insults to Keep Your Minions Motivated

Dear minions, If you’ve got an itch, The Bear Claw Back Scratcher is the most satisfying itch relief tool in the shape of a bear claw on the market. Neanderthals have used bear claws to cure itching for centuries! With your very own Bear Claw Back Scratcher you can remove… Read more: You’ll Never Believe this Neanderthal Itch Relief Secret

Dear minions, If you wish to rule an empire as an evil overlord, it’s important you send your rivals on the occasional wild goose chase. Allowing your enemies to “stumble upon” a well crafted treasure map is an ideal way to waste their time and resources. Materials Needed: paper pen… Read more: How to make a Treasure Map like an Evil Overlord

Dear minions, You know how these things go… One minute you’re minding your own business in your secret volcano castle eating a delicious canoli WHEN SUDDENLY A WILD ITALIAN PLUMBER APPEARS. Mario… … what an asshole. Mario can’t just use a door like a normal person. Nope. He’ll usually scale… Read more: SUDDENLY A WILD ITALIAN PLUMBER APPEARS

Dear minions, I hate the rhombus. Seriously. You just have to look at a rhombus to know it’s a terrible shape. It’s kind of like a square, but wtf, it’s always crooked. And worst of all… … the rhombus is destroying the porn industry. Err… How is the Rhombus Destroying… Read more: How the Rhombus is Destroying the Porn Industry

Dear minions I’d really like to get a big barrel. … not like a barrel of monkeys, just a big barrel. I think there’s a lot of interesting things to do with a big barrel. If I got a big barrel of monkeys, I would empty out the monkeys and… Read more: Top 5 things I would do with a big barrel and no monkeys

Dear minions, Listen, I’ve smelled a lot of screen protectors in my day, but the Spigen Google Nexus 5 Crystal Clear Screen Protector is by far the best smelling screen protector of all! Not only does the Spigen Google Nexus 5 Screen Protector smell great, but it also includes a… Read more: Best Smelling Google Nexus 5 Screen Protector

Dear minions, If you want to conquer the world, you need to take action when you’re passionate about something. … don’t just sit around doing nothing when the things you care about are threatened. For example, when Tim Hortons decides to just go ahead and discontinue cherry timbits, what the… Read more: Hey Tim Hortons, Bring Back the Cherry Timbits!

Dear minions, Listen, we can have a whole debate about chickens and eggs. … like, of course the first chicken had to come out of an egg so obviously the egg came first. But, then everybody gets bent out of shape because who laid that egg? Wasn’t it a chicken?… Read more: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Dear minions, Today, I’m going to teach you how to make lolcats. In order to conquer the world, you need the ability to communicate with the primitive lifeforms you’re hoping to enslave. Unfortunately earthlings have devolved to the point where lolcats have become the preferred method for information distribution. If… Read more: How to Make Lolcats – Step by Step Guide

Dear minions, The following is the ultimate top 27 list of Confucius say quotes. … there are thousands of Confucius say quotes out there, but most suck. I’ve removed all the stupid ones and 93% of the sexist ones. Even all the ones about farts. What’s left is the Ultimate… Read more: 27 Confucius Say Quotes that are Actually Funny

Dear GoodLife, I recently acquired one of your red GoodLife Fitness water bottles. I was eager to quench my thirst at my next workout when I discovered to my dismay it was impossible to use this bottle securely. I’ve attached pictures demonstrating the problem… Here is a picture of the… Read more: Not Safe to Drink from GoodLife Fitness Water Bottle

Dear minions, This website may have come into contact with nuts. If for some reason while reading one of my articles you find yourself suddenly offended or outraged, do NOT waste time sending me an angry email letter… … you may actually be experiencing an anaphylactic reaction to nuts! Just… Read more: Warning: This Website May Have Come Into Contact with Nuts

Dear minions, Never have intercourse outside an evil overlords window if you know what’s good for you… But what if my girlfriend really likes rooftops? Hey man, if you’re into banging on rooftops, by all means, bang away… … just do it on your own damn roof!!! Nobody wants to… Read more: Just some raccoons on the roof having sex…

Dear minions, Computer bugs are some of the most evil villains you’ll ever encounter because… … computer bugs don’t have to hate you, or think you’re stupid, or anything like that in order to decide to pick on you. They’ll just go ahead one morning and delete everything you’ve ever… Read more: Glitch in the Matrix – How to Survive a War with Computer Bugs

Dear minions, When someone plants potatoes on my lawn I get upset. It’s not that I dislike potatoes – in fact I find them quite tasty and aesthetically pleasing… The problem is WTF?! Don’t mess with an evil overlords lawn if you know what’s good for you. When it comes… Read more: Who Keeps Planting Potatoes on my Lawn?!

Dear minions, You know what really makes me want to throw-back a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster? … drunk Scottish men lifting their kilts to strangers in Poland. Not because they horrify Polish residents who feel such behaviour is inappropriate… Not because they risk getting frostbite on their genitals when they… Read more: How Men Without Underwear Cause Soaring Beer Prices

Dear minions, I’ve been working on my stand-up comedy routine… … don’t laugh, I’m serious! I think supervillains need to be funny. Knowing a few good jokes is the best way to cut the tension during suspenseful life or death situations. Here’s what I’ve got so far… A frog walks… Read more: I’ve been working on my stand-up comedy routine…

Dear minions, The recipe for a successful career as an evil overlord is really quite simple. In fact, the knowledge in this post is so powerful and revolutionary, I can’t believe I even dare to share it… … Simply aww the audience, then profit as a consequence! Keep reading to… Read more: How to Conquer the World with Aww Pics

Dear minions, Canada is under attack! If you want to be a Canadian overlord why not take advantage of the situation… Keep reading to find out more.

Dear minions, You know what really makes me want to build a giant space laser? Switzerland’s Agriculture Ministry. Not because I’m a carnivore and think eating helpless vegetables is cruel or because I think they should stick to making chocolate. Nope, that’s all fine and dandy! The problem is when… Read more: Why the Ban on Feeding Cows Cannabis is Cruel

Dear minions, If you’re using the word derp you must cease and desist immediately. It has to stop now. Seriously, you’re confusing a lot of people. Derp, derp, derp. Derp is a crappy word. People who don’t know the meaning of derp assume you’re a Satan worshiper. It’s what people… Read more: Listen, the use of derp, it has to stop now…

Dear minions, You probably don’t want to believe coral can actively pursue a moving fish BUT LOOK AT THE HORRIFYING PICTURE. At night, coral can actively pursue just about anything. Sometimes you can even hear coral slowly scratching against the floor under your bed when it thinks you’re asleep… If… Read more: How to Die a Horrible Death from Coral

Dear minions, To have a successful career as an evil overlord you need a few essential skills. One such skill is the art of confusion… Now pay close attention. Being literally confused is of no benefit to an evil overlord. An evil overlord must be able to unravel the most… Read more: How to Master the Art of Confusion like an Evil Overlord

Dear minions, Today I’ve begun assembling an army of translucent jelly blobs. As you can imagine, these are no ordinary jelly blobs, unless of course jelly blobs are ordinarily translucent… What good is an army of translucent jelly blobs?

Dear minions, I’ve decided to give away the 2014 Calendar of Destruction absolutely FREE! … but there’s one catch. To get your FREE copy of the Calendar of Destruction, you need to join the World Domination Newsletter! … this isn’t really a catch, this is great news! We’ll get to… Read more: FREE 2014 Calendar of Destruction!

Dear minions, If it turns out we’re smart enough to avoid blowing up our planet with nuclear missiles, then we’re even more screwed… … you see the problem with intelligence is you’re never as smart as you think. Anybody smart enough to not nuke themselves, is also smart enough to… Read more: Singularity of Robots Kill Everybody

Dear minions, I’ve talked a lot about the obliteration of all lifeforms the last few weeks thanks to the release of the Calendar of Destruction. … it’s time to take a break from that. It’s the Holiday Season after-all… Instead, let’s talk about something a little more relaxing… like the… Read more: The Gingerfolk are Coming… Are you Ready?

Dear minions, For the last few weeks I’ve been writing about all the ways we’re probably going to die. Forget about that. … probably is just a bunch of maybe’s, but us humans are way more self-sufficient than that. Listen, we can sit around cursing the Universe over probabilities of… Read more: Nuclear Warfare of Stupidity

Dear minions, It’s no secret that a giant X-Class solar flare could send humanity back to the stone ages any day now… However, given that any of the twelve apocalyptic scenarios outlined in the 2014 Calendar of Destruction could destroy us at any moment, how worried should we really be… Read more: Solar Flares of Technological Eradication

Dear minions, If you think car accidents suck, it’s even worse when a planet decides to change lanes without checking it’s blind spot. … orbital obliteration is the sort of thing that puts an end to humanity before it has a chance to get out of control. When two planets… Read more: Orbital Crunch of Obliteration

Dear minions, It’s a 100% guarantee our sun explodes, expands, heats up, or eventually does some sort of inconvenient thing that results in the obliteration of Earth in the process. … Don’t Panic! Our sun isn’t scheduled to misbehave for a long time, like billions of years. Even if the… Read more: Supernova Explosion of Radiation

Dear minions, Germs, bacteria, viruses… All these miniature things are designed to destroy us. In fact, they’ve been trying quite successfully for thousands of years… Open a history book, you’ll notice these contagions tend to wipe out a significant portion of humanity from time to time. Plagues, black death, disease,… Read more: Contagion of Mass Extinction

Dear minions, It would suck if all the water in the world turned green. … but it’s only a matter of time. Maybe months. … maybe years. The algae is coming to kill us. Every time humans dump waste into the worlds water supply there is another opportunity for algae… Read more: Algal Bloom of Death

Dear minions, Asteroids and comets are pretty cool until they slam into your face. The 2014 Calendar of Destruction includes a horrific image of an asteroid getting ready to splatter humanity into tiny pieces of irreparable goop! … Don’t miss out on all the chaos! Buy the Calendar of Destruction… Read more: Asteroid Impact of Doom

Dear minions, If a supervolcano decides to erupt today, we’re pretty screwed… I mean, you don’t just go around calling any old volcano a supervolano, it takes a certain capability for mass destruction to get the upgrade. The 2014 Calendar of Destruction begins it’s twelve month series with a horrific… Read more: Supervolcano of Destruction

Dear minions, An overlord must always be prepared for doomsday. Unless Earth implodes or another universe collides into our bubble of an existence, we’re probably not going to be entirely wiped out, no matter what the apocalypse. … the “end-of-the-world” is an excellent business opportunity to make one-hundred billion dollars!… Read more: How to Prepare for Doomsday like an Evil Overlord

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. … but don’t panic. You see, somewhere in the middle, a group of hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings demanded the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life,… Read more: More Quotes from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Dear minions, Marvin is without a doubt the most famous character from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series by Douglas Adams. Marvin was originally built as a failed prototype of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation’s Genuine People Personalities technology. In a nutshell, Marvin is afflicted with severe depression and boredom,… Read more: Funniest Quotes by Marvin from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Dear minions, As you may have heard, I recently captured Not Really Marvin from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and for 5$, you can interrogate him. Now, I know some of you want proof that this is Not Really Marvin. I get it. You don’t want to talk to… Read more: Not Really Marvin the Manically Depressed Robot Talks about World Domination. Sort of.

Dear minions, It’s true, I plan to conquer the long fabled reddit hive-mind. This is a bold plan that will catapult my supervillain status far beyond my wildest expectations. But mostly, I just want to steal the reddit alien. I am obsessed with his wide array of varying attire and… Read more: Plan to Conquer Reddit. Or at least Steal the Alien…

Dear minions, Leaving a cow in weird places is a smart tactical move. It causes confusion. It’s a good distraction. Here’s what minions are saying… olivermihoff – Perhaps its a police steak out to prevent bike theft… Chrisattsu – I herd that too.. Donkenoji – This is ledge-end-dairy. Methadose –… Read more: I’ll just leave my cow here…

Dear minions, You’ll be happy to hear the search for the elusive Higgs boson (i.e. the God particle) continues at the 27-kilometer long underground Large Hadron Collider (LHC) near Geneva. This means you still have a chance to find it first, conquer the higgs field, and control all mass in… Read more: Higgs Boson Found in Woman’s Bosom

Dear minions, Of all my henchmen, squid are by far the most underperforming. Despite being gifted with many arms and built-in suction cups, all of this potential is wasted. These guys could scale a glass building like a Bond villain, or play outfield for the Yankees. But, nope. Squid just… Read more: Squid lack a true buttocks