Dear minions,
As an evil overlord, it’s important to have a set of quotes handy at all times in order to out-duel an adversary in a verbal showdown of wits.
Bookmark this page, more quotes are added nefariously!
Chuck Norris Facts, Quotes, & Bedtime Stories
Listen, there’s a lot of Chuck Norris lists
… They suck.
This is the #1 undisputed top rated Chuck Norris list of them all.
Bookmark it.
… Share it.
Fear it.
Chuck Norris Poetry
This list is exceedingly popular because it’s the sort of list that includes INSANE NEVER BEFORE RELEASED BONUS MATERIAL like Chuck Norris Poetry…
Jack can be nimble, and Jack can be quick,
but not even Jack can dodge a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
You see? Best list ever.
… but wait, there’s so much more!
Facts About How Chuck Norris WILL KILL YOU
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
… if you’re thinking – “Wow, one second, that’s impressive! I wonder how he’s gonna do it” – well, let me tell you, Chuck Norris can kill you with anything…
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. I mean, if there’s a corded phone around, that would work too, but you get the point. The man can improvise.
In fact, in the average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
… and if you’re thinking you can hide…
Chuck Norris knows where you live because Chuck Norris knows all the things he needs to know to find and kill you.
But more importantly, Chuck Norris knows where you die, because he has the whole thing planned out. Really, there’s not much to it, as discussed earlier, it only takes one second.
Now, if you’re thinking – “Bring it on Chuck Norris! You’re like 75 years old, I can take you” – here are some more facts you should consider…
This one time at band camp, a cobra bit Chuck Norris on the leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Also, this one time at another band camp, back when Mars was a popular destination for band camps, Chuck Norris went to band camp on Mars. Today, there are no signs of life on Mars.
An interesting fact though – Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano, so it must have been one hell of a band camp…
I can keep going, but I think you get the point.
You can run, but…
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. Including you.
A Chuck Norris Haiku!
Chuck Norris can win
a game of Connect Four
in three moves or less.
A Short Story About The Guy Who Crossed Chuck Norris Street
Once upon a time there used to be this street named Chuck Norris, but the name was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
If that wasn’t clear, let me explain in horrifying detail what this sort of anecdote really means…
It means all the people that crossed Chuck Norris street had their hearts ripped-out from their anus by Chuck Norris, and at no point would any of the participants have had the opportunity to request an autograph or take a photo to post to Facebook.
I know it’s kind of a sad story, but Chuck Norris doesn’t really care much about feelings.
Did you know Chuck Norris can make onions cry before he chops them up?
Seriously.
I don’t know how he does it either because I’ve tried all sorts of things – I’ve made onions watch as I’ve chopped up their onion friends and onion relatives into tiny little pieces. I’ve chewed vigorously on onions in an omelet. I’ve even flipped around onions in a frying pan with a sizzling layer of olive oil. Nothing. The onions just always seem to take it all in stride without ever shedding a tear… Oh well.
Hey man, did you know Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards? Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further! Just imagine how far Chuck Norris can throw your lifeless body back to the other side of Chuck Norris street!
Now you might be thinking the plot of any good short story involves an action scene with a tank chase. Am I right?
… But a tank won’t help you escape Chuck Norris if you cross Chuck Norris street.
You could even have an unnecessarily big frickin’ tank with big bad-ass guns, the type not really ideal for city-driving…
… But the thing is, bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Your tank won’t protect you at all even if you lock the doors and decide to just sit there and make faces out the window.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, just by whispering… bang!
You could try killing Chuck Norris in his sleep, but Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun just so he has something to suffocate you with.
… Look, you can never escape Chuck Norris.
And the thing is, Chuck Norris is coming for YOU because YOU crossed Chuck Norris street!
Chuck Norris still knows when someone crosses Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris can’t be fooled just by changing a street sign.
Hey man, I get it. You probably had no idea you crossed Chuck Norris street because it’s no longer named Chuck Norris which makes it very difficult to formulate any sort of ideas about it.
… But, that’s no excuse.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because nobody fools Chuck Norris. Ever.
You can of course try explaining the misunderstanding to Chuck Norris, not that it will help…
“Hey Chuck, bro, buddy, listen, I had no idea about the road… Err, well yeah, I crossed it, but it looked just like any other road… Err, no no, I’m not saying your road is ordinary, umm, it’s a very nice road? But, the sign, it didn’t mention your name… Wait, wait! Oh crap…”
The End.
… Of you.
Chuck Norris Facts About Some Useless Things
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris came before BOTH The Chicken and The Egg.
Did you know…
A “Handicap” parking sign doesn’t mean the spot is for handicapped people. It’s actually a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mean to beat up so many handicapped people, if they could just pay more attention to the warning signs…
A Few Chuck Norris Magic Tricks
Chuck Norris was born a magician. In fact, Chuck Norris was born in the house he built with his own two hands!
If you think that’s crazy, imagine this…
Chuck Norris pours the milk first. Then he pours the cereal. Then he places the bowl. And it all works out somehow…
Maybe it has something to do with time travel because Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he just decides what time it is.
Most of the time, Chuck Norris decides it’s killing time.
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris. That’s kind of weird because Caller ID didn’t exist yet, but we’re talking about the same Chuck Norris who can cut through a hot knife with butter so I wouldn’t doubt it for a second.
Chuck Norris can even light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together. This comes in really handy when you’re stranded in the middle-of-no-where but have access to ice cubes.
Another Chuck Norris Haiku!
Chuck plans to kill you,
You should run and hide and cry,
But you are a fool.
Some More Chuck Norris Facts About Death… YOUR DEATH!
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants. As discussed, he wants to kill you.
… Nobody can save you.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing underwear on the outside of his pants.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance”.
… Which is useless advice, because you have no chance.
Chuck Norris Facts About Animals
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it’s just afraid to move.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass at night. I’m not sure why he would do this though, what an ass.
Here’s a few More Reasons Chuck Norris is an Ass
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off. This is really annoying because I can never figure out how to turn the dark back on after he leaves.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. This happens every time he asks to use the washroom and I hate it because he pretends like he didn’t just punch my mirror again for no reason.
Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone. That’s just perfect because honestly who doesn’t enjoy having that conversation with some asshat when they pickup the phone.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn, he stares at it and dares it to grow. Do you know how stupid he looks when he does this? I mow his lawn just to make him stop, but he swears it works.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles because hair doesn’t grow on steel. This wastes a lot of time at airports when women at security are forced to look-into-this matter; dirty-old-bastard.
5 Reasons I Already Regret Calling Chuck Norris an Ass
They once made Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise!!! I’m not really sure how you go about destroying the periodic table and sometimes wonder if maybe Chuck is just sitting in a room somewhere ripping up pieces of paper… But then I realized this is probably Chuck Norris’ scientific way of saying he’s going to suffocate me, you know, by taking away all the oxygen.
Most importantly though…
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding and I really don’t want to end up always hiding in crowds wearing the same clothes.
Its not over until Chuck Norris makes the fat lady sing.
Ok, now it’s over.
Some More Lists as-Good-as Garlic Dipping Sauce
Hey man, before Chuck Norris has a chance to kill you, why not check out these other hilarious lists:
- Funniest Quotes by Marvin from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
- 21 Witty Insults to Rule an Empire like an Evil Overlord
- The Ever Growing List of Sarcastic, Ironic and Witty Quotes
- The Ultimate List of Quotes from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
- 27 Confucius Say Quotes that are Actually Funny
21 Witty Insults to Rule an Empire like an Evil Overlord
Dear minions,
In order to rule an empire, you need a bunch of sarcastic catchphrases.
In fact, if you read the Evil Overlord job description, you’ll notice the Big Boss must always be the most witty member of any evil-cast of villains.
Ruling an empire isn’t about big muscles or being a tough guy. The macho stuff is great for henchmen…
For an Evil Overlord, you need to be a mastermind. An evil genius. A hoopy frood who’s insanely brilliant!
… and to prove your superior intelligence, you need a bunch of witty quotes to constantly insult your minions!
Because it’s important to keep your minions on their toes…
… attentive and ready to serve.
And most importantly…
To avoid unpleasant uprisings and the sorts of situations that arise when confident co-workers start to believe they can do your job, you need your minions to be reminded that when compared to you, they are good for nothing.
21 Witty Insults that are Better than Anything you Could Think of on Your Own
- I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
- I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
- It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
- Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
- I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
- Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.
- Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
- I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
- I bet you get bullied a lot.
- I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you. Just kidding, I hate you.
- I realize you have an inferiority complex but it’s fully justified.
Want More Awesome Quotes? I’ve Got Some!
Hey man, I’m not just some one-trick-pony who’s only skill is World Domination.
… I’m also the ultimate master of quotes lists!
If you want to conquer the world, it helps to know a lot of famous quotes because knowing quotes tricks people into thinking you’re some sort of wise intellectual.
Take a look:
- The Ever Growing List of Sarcastic, Ironic and Witty Quotes
- Funniest Quotes by Marvin from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
- The Ultimate List of Quotes from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
- Chuck Norris Facts – The Worlds #1 Top Rated Exceedingly Popular and Also as-Good-as Garlic Dipping Sauce List
- 27 Confucius Say Quotes that are Actually Funny
You’ll Never Believe this Neanderthal Itch Relief Secret
If you’ve got an itch, The Bear Claw Back Scratcher is the most satisfying itch relief tool in the shape of a bear claw on the market.
Neanderthals have used bear claws to cure itching for centuries!
With your very own Bear Claw Back Scratcher you can remove any itch within 22 inches. That’s enough inches to put any itchy itches in itch relief reach!
No itch will ever withstand the ferociously satisfying scratch that comes with every Bear Claw Back Scratcher.
Best of all, the Bear Claw Back Scratcher is made of walnut and white pine so you never have to worry about whether or not it’s a real bear claw…
… It’s not a real bear claw!
It’s a masterfully crafted piece of therapeutic wood that will provide years of enjoyment.
Is it Better than Real Bear Claws?
Yes, the Bear Claw Back Scratcheris the best back scratching bear claw ever used to scratch backs.
It’s 87% more scratch effective than the severed bear limbs used by Neanderthals.
Today’s state-of-the-art bear claws have improved every aspect of back scratching:
- No more shedding.
- No more decomposing.
- No more lawsuits from angry three-legged bears.
Let’s face it, scratching with actual bear limbs is an ancient technique.
Can I just scratch with a stick…?
No!
You can’t just use an ordinary stick and hope for some miracle your itches go away…
Don’t you think Neanderthals would have tried scratching with sticks before wrestling bears to the death? Are you going to argue with centuries of ancient itch relieving science?
Besides…
Scratching with some unfashionable stick in public looks ridiculous; pull out your Bear Claw Back Scratcher, it’s portable!!!
You can relieve yourself anywhere you feel itchy.
Bring it to the park so you can sit on a bench with someone homeless…
… Or to the grocery store near some fruit that cause a rash if you’re allergic.
But especially bring it to meetings with insurance salesmen, if you weren’t itchy before you will be in a moment.
It Sounds too Good to be True…
… but there’s more!
The Bear Claw Back scratcher is a wonderfully handcrafted piece of wall art!
Why do you think it comes with a brass chain? It’s so you can hang your bear claw in the living room for everyone to observe it’s ferocious grasp!
With the Bear Claw Back Scratcher hanging in your home, your walls will boast that confident “unscratchable itches are a thing of the past” look that will leave your your guests scratching their heads in amazement.
Songs have been Written about the Bear Claw Back Scratcher
You can scratch your back at home, you can scratch your back alone.
You can even scratch that itch while you be textin’ on that phone.
You can do it in a car,
… You can do it on a bus.
You can even do it upside-down because right-side-up wasn’t fuss enough.
You can do it as first-base coach, or while eating an ice cream cone.
You can even do it with your pants down while you’re sitting on the throne.
You can scratch while in pajamas.
… You can help some itchy llamas.
You can do the sorts of things you never could just with bananas.
Does it feel good when I do it?
If you’re worried about comfort, don’t worry because the Bear Claw Back Scratcher has a very comfortable wood handle that’s perfect for gripping with precisely calculated firmness.
The wood grain can be grasped tightly, softly, or with rugged disregard, it doesn’t matter because you will always experience the deep-calming aura of total relaxation.
Testimonials
I used to rub my back against a door jam, NO MORE!! This thing is as big as a human hand, but better because it’s a giant bear claw. — Bob
I used to scratch my back like some hippy in private… Now I scratch with style, class, and total indifference for the people sitting around me in movie theatres!. — Bob
oooh la la…it’s heaven. — Bob
Everybody gets itchy, stick this bear claw in Holiday stockings, what a stuffer for gift exchanges!!! — Bob
Removes itches from any size body!! — Bob
Gave my wife a bouquet of these instead of flowers!! — Bob
So pretty! And functional. Even versatile. Surprisingly not combustible! — Bob
The Bear Claw Back Scratcher doesn’t come with ferocious little bear prints imprinted on the handle, but I’ve painted some on myself with the appropriate tribal paints I’ve been telling my therapist about. — Bob
This Christmas, give the gift of scratching.
Are your friends always saying, “HELP I’M ITCHY”?
Are you thinking, “I need a scratch…”?
It’s time to set your fingers free from the rigorous wear and tear vigor’s of bodily scratching.
It’s time to get seriously satisfying itch relief with The Bear Claw Back Scratcher
Top 5 things I would do with a big barrel and no monkeys
Dear minions
I’d really like to get a big barrel.
… not like a barrel of monkeys, just a big barrel. I think there’s a lot of interesting things to do with a big barrel.
If I got a big barrel of monkeys, I would empty out the monkeys and keep the barrel, because the monkeys just take up space and are also good for nothing.
I think I would have a lot of good times with a a big barrel.
If someone gave me a small barrel of monkeys, I wouldn’t even bother, because it has to be a big barrel for the things I have planned. Also, it’s harder to get monkeys out of a smaller barrel and I don’t need all the hassle.
Here are the top 5 things I would do with a big barrel and no monkeys:
1 – First of all, I would sit inside the barrel. I have never sat inside a barrel, and I think once you get a barrel big enough to fit yourself, it’s the first logical thing to do.
2 – Second of all, I would put someone else inside the barrel, cover it up, and roll it around in circles. Then I would roll it around in other shapes. Eventually I would roll it down a hill. This seems like a fun thing I would enjoy to do with my big barrel.
3 – Third of all, I would tip the barrel over and try to stand upon it. This would be really tricky to do without falling, but once mastered, I think I would be very popular at parties. If I ever decided to become a pirate, I think all the practice standing on my big barrel would help me have good balance on a boat.
4 – Fourth of all, I would flip the barrel upside down and play it like a drum. For the occasion I would wear a camouflage outfit and slather my body in tribal paints because until I had a big barrel, I could never pull this off.
5 – Fifth of all, I would name my barrel Murphy and draw him a smiley face. I would fill Murphy with beer and ask him to pass me a drink. Some days Murphy and I would talk about the weather or sports, or maybe the obliteration of all other lifeforms. Murphy would always keep a smile, no matter my mood and no matter which of the other top four things to do with a big barrel I would do with him. Some nights we would make love, but we wouldn’t tell anyone and we wouldn’t know how to do it.
I’d really like to get a big barrel. If you join the World Domination Newsletter, I’ll let you know if I ever do.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Dear minions,
Listen, we can have a whole debate about chickens and eggs.
… like, of course the first chicken had to come out of an egg so obviously the egg came first.
But, then everybody gets bent out of shape because who laid that egg? Wasn’t it a chicken?
Unless…
… some dude, who wasn’t a chicken and who wasn’t a dude, laid an egg – and by some freak genetic mutation – out popped a chicken.
But, then everybody still gets bent out of shape because who laid that freak-containing egg? Are you sure it wasn’t a chicken?
… this sort of thing can go on for quite a while until eventually some very smart and sophisticated person gets a little frustrated and starts shouting stuff like,
“LISTEN YOU IDIOTS DINOSAURS LAID EGGS MILLIONS OF YEARS BEFORE CHICKENS EVEN EXISTED SO THERE’S NO DOUBT THE EGG CAME BEFORE THE CHICKEN.
But, then everybody gets bent out of shape because who laid that first dinosaur egg? Are you sure it wasn’t a chicken?
The moral of the story…
Who gives a shit, they’re both delicious.
Get more tips!
If you want to conquer the world, you can’t get hung up on the small stuff.
Interested in more brilliant insight?
Join the World Domination Newsletter!
27 Confucius Say Quotes that are Actually Funny
Dear minions,
The following is the ultimate top 27 list of Confucius say quotes.
… there are thousands of Confucius say quotes out there, but most suck.
I’ve removed all the stupid ones and 93% of the sexist ones. Even all the ones about farts.
What’s left is the Ultimate Top 27 list… A list of the most witty, intelligent, and actually funny Confucius say quotes.
If you want to conquer the world you need to memorize these quotes and spit-them-out whenever it’s your turn to talk during very important business meetings. Say them slowly, quizzically, and with intense glaring passion. You will impress with your vast wisdom and surely be promoted to the head of some department which is a pretty good start for any overlord during these tough economical times.
Confucius say…
- Man who not poop for many days must take care of back log.
- Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
- Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
- Man who sit on tack get point!
- Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!
- Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.
- When called an idiot, better to be quiet than open mouth and remove all doubt.
- Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
- He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.
- Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
- Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.
- Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.
- Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
- Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
- Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in own hands.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
- Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.
- Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
- Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
- Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.
- It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
- Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level.
- Woman laid in tomb may become mummy.
- Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.
At least three of those implied farts with toilet or poop references…
Ok, so I lied about the farts, but Confucius say too damn much on the topic.
Either way, you must admit that I’m an expert in the collection of quotes. The above list is brilliant.
For further proof, check out these other ultimate quotes lists I’ve assembled for your enjoyment:
- The Ever Growing List of Sarcastic, Ironic and Witty Quotes
- 21 Witty Insults to Rule an Empire like an Evil Overlord
- Funniest Quotes by Marvin from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
- The Ultimate List of Quotes from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
- Chuck Norris Facts – The Worlds #1 Top Rated Exceedingly Popular and Also as-Good-as Garlic Dipping Sauce List
Just some raccoons on the roof having sex…
Dear minions,
Never have intercourse outside an evil overlords window if you know what’s good for you…
But what if my girlfriend really likes rooftops?
Hey man, if you’re into banging on rooftops, by all means, bang away…
… just do it on your own damn roof!!!
Nobody wants to look out their window and see a bunch of raccoon’s making a mess of the place.
But what if my girlfriend isn’t a raccoon?!
Listen, this is a universal principle. It doesn’t only apply to raccoon’s…
Minions must always take reasonable measures to ensure coitus and cuddles occur on their own damn roofs.
Otherwise…
In loving memory of the raccoons who had sex for the last time (2010-2012)
R.I.P
You’re going to end up dead.
What? You’re going to kill me just for banging my girlfriend on your roof? That’s harsh.
No you idiot, you’re going to fall off the roof.
If you want to conquer the world, you need to learn to use that lump of meat inside your head, not the lump of meat inside your pants.
Do you know how many people plummet to their deaths every year because they decided to have sex on a rooftop? At least two.
I don’t have time to scrape you off my driveway.
I don’t need to be questioned by the police about why my rooftop is some sort of brothel.
Go have sex in some bushes like a normal raccoon.
I told you, my girlfriend isn’t a raccoon…
And I told you to get off my roof!
Although, since you were up there…
Did you happen to notice who keeps planting potatoes on my lawn?!
Because seriously, there’s nothing worse than finding a bunch of potatoes growing all over your yard…
Well, except for maybe finding some raccoon’s having sex on your roof, that sucks too. What the hell is going on, maybe this really is the end of the world.
Glitch in the Matrix – How to Survive a War with Computer Bugs
Dear minions,
Computer bugs are some of the most evil villains you’ll ever encounter because…
… computer bugs don’t have to hate you, or think you’re stupid, or anything like that in order to decide to pick on you.
They’ll just go ahead one morning and delete everything you’ve ever loved that’s digital, all for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
A simple glitch in the matrix and you’re dead. Sort of. I mean, you’ll be fine, but it will be very inconvenient and depressing.
… this could be the year it happens to you.
If you run an evil online organization, your web-lair could be hacked, destroyed, defaced, you name it.
It’s all very horrible, costly, and inevitable.
If you want to conquer the world, you need protect yourself against computer bugs.
How to Save your Digital Empire from Annihilation?
Whether you listen to the Mayans, believe in Skynet or are actively trying to unplug your brain from the Matrix, all predictions of the future are catastrophic…
… if you run a website this is bad news because it means it’s only a matter of time before you’re hacked and all your hard work goes down the drain.
Your blog could lose all it’s posts, comments and pictures.
… and while your site is offline nobody will click your ads, so you’ll lose a whole lot of money, go out of business, and end-up a homeless hobo wandering the streets.
Even worse, while you try to fix everything you’ll rip out all your hair, give up entirely on bathing, and have a sudden moment of clarity when you realize why it is all hobos are bald and smelly.
… and it’s all your fault.
You’re losing money because you were too lazy to think about basic security.
You could have avoided all of this.
You didn’t have to be a hobo.
… but unfortunately you’re a lazy oaf.
Wait a minute, who are you calling a lazy oaf!?
WordPress is the most important tool at your disposal for achieving world domination.
[In fact, if you join my World Domination Newsletter, I’ll teach you how to use WordPress to make less than one-hundred billion dollars in thirty days or more guaranteed!]
… but like any software, WordPress has bugs.
Plugins are great extensions to WordPress, but plugins have even more bugs!
All software will inevitably fail.
All software will make you promises, then break your heart.
If you’re running old versions of WordPress, some goons will hack you just because they can…
Once an exploit is found, that’s when the goons come out looking for the lazy oafs that couldn’t be bothered with spending thirteen seconds to run updates.
Since you’re a lazy oaf, the goons will find you and then you’re doomed.
If there’s always bugs, what’s the point? Life is useless…
Even with bug repellent, sometimes a mosquito still bites. Does that justify rolling around nude in the woods? No.
… the same principle applies to software.
Don’t leave your digital empire exposed.
Yes, there will always be bugs, but you don’t need to be infested with all of them.
Some precautions will reduce the number of bug-bites you get.
Survive the War with Computer Bugs… Always Upgrade!
You know what sucks? When your database becomes corrupted and you find out your web-host doesn’t run daily backups…
That’s why my digital empire is protected with Host Gator. I’ve got backups in case of an emergency.
… but you can avoid the emergency if you’re careful.
Always run updates when a new version of WordPress or a plugin is released to minimize the risk of disaster.
Update, update, update!
What do I do if the mosquito still bites?
… upgrading minimizes the risk of catastrophe, it doesn’t eliminate it.
Always have a contingency plan – And not because it sounds cool, but because it could save you time and money.
With WordPress your contingency plan is simple; MAKE BACKUPS!
Schedule it. Don’t forget. Do it often.
… or use a web host like Host Gator that automatically provides you with daily backups.
Only a lazy oaf forgets to make backups.
Should I bother with backups if my software doesn’t have bugs?
There’s always a glitch in the matrix.
… maybe you won’t run into that glitch right away…
Maybe you’ll never run into it.
… maybe we’ll have world peace, and everyone will win the lottery, and the next time you drop your toast maybe it won’t land on the sticky side.
The reality is your software always has bugs.
If you don’t want to be a hobo, run updates and make backups.
Being a lazy oaf is bad for business.
A Very Evil List of Overlord Jokes. Like, the Most Evil One Ever!
Dear minions,
I’ve been working on my stand-up comedy routine…
… don’t laugh, I’m serious!
I think evil overlords need to be funny.
Knowing a few good jokes is a great way to cut the tension during those suspenseful life or death situations.
Here’s what I’ve got so far…
A frog walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Lilly-pad”.
The bartender looks at the frog and says, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve Lilly-pads”.
Suddenly, the bartender explodes.
mwahaha!
Hey man, why did the chicken cross the road?
Because YOUR MOTHER WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE!
mwahaha!
Dude, guess how I got the minions to fall into the fiery pit at the top of the volcano lair?
… I told them drinks were on the house.
mwahaha!
Ok, ok, I’ve got a good story too…
A funeral service is being held for a bartender that recently exploded.
As the pallbearers carry-out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall because they have one simple job to do and they can’t even do that right.
… since the coroner is just as incompetent, they hear a faint moan.
Of course, they open up the casket and discover the bartender is actually alive!
The bartender proceeds to live a few more days, then dies again suddenly. Another funeral is held…
At the end of the service, the pallbearers get ready to carry-out the casket…
As they start walking, I yell, “Watch out for the wall!”
mwahaha!
Not bad right? But wait, I’ve got more!
Guess how the ant fell off the toilet seat?
… he was pissed off!
mwahaha!
Once upon a time there was a boy named “Odd.”
People would point and laugh at Odd, because, lets face it, his name was ridiculous.
Odd hated his name so much, he decided – “You know what, when I die, I want my name left off my gravestone so nobody ever calls me Odd again” – and so one day, when Odd died, his gravestone was left blank.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, “That’s odd.”
mwahaha!
Hey, guess why Mickey Mouse got shot?
… because Donald ducked.
LMAO!
Don’t worry, Mickey is expected to make a full recovery.
The End.