Popular hangout for the tragically insane!
Dear minions,
To have a successful career as an evil overlord you need a few essential skills. One such skill is the art of confusion…
Now pay close attention. Being literally confused is of no benefit to an evil overlord. An evil overlord must be able to unravel the most un-unravelable of mysteries. Don’t confuse the art of confusion with the state of confusion. Be the confuser, not the confused.
Keep reading to find out more young grasshopper…
Dear minions,
Today I’ve begun assembling an army of translucent jelly blobs. As you can imagine, these are no ordinary jelly blobs, unless of course jelly blobs are ordinarily translucent…
Dear minions,
I’ve decided to give away the 2014 Calendar of Destruction absolutely FREE!
… but there’s one catch.
To get your FREE copy of the Calendar of Destruction, you need to join the World Domination Newsletter!
… this isn’t really a catch, this is great news! We’ll get to chat by email! Think about it, together, we can conquer the world!
mwahaha!
… ok, there’s also another catch.
Your FREE copy of the Calendar of Destruction will be a digital copy.
… this isn’t really a catch either because you can print the Calendar of Destruction at work or sneak into your friends house and print it there! Listen, digital is all the rage man, I’m helping you get hip.
Join the World Domination Newsletter to get your FREE calendar right now!
mwahaha!
The Calendar of Destruction is a calendar featuring horrific images of the obliteration of all lifeforms!
… each month features an increasingly terrible and slightly more probable way you are likely to die and perish.
Hey man, it’s not so bad. The best way to conquer the world is to prepare for doomsday like an evil overlord!
Get your FREE Calendar of Destruction today. Experience the horror all year long!
Listen, when you get the World Domination Newsletter, you can hit reply anytime to send me an email.
Hit reply and beg me to send you a FREE copy of the Calendar of Destruction! It’s that simple!
Of course!
If you want your Calendar of Destruction to be professionally printed, smooth and glossy, you can always Buy the 2014 Calendar of Destruction Here.
It’s $19.99 and ships within 3-5 days!
Dear minions,
If it turns out we’re smart enough to avoid blowing up our planet with nuclear missiles, then we’re even more screwed…
… you see the problem with intelligence is you’re never as smart as you think.
Anybody smart enough to not nuke themselves, is also smart enough to create artificial intelligence!
We already have robots, it’s only a matter of time before we design some with half-a-brain and that’s when we go extinct.
… it’s called the singularity.
Also known as the apocalypse, end of the world, doomsday and the matrix. It’s when the shit hits the fan for the last time, because robots don’t poop.
The singularity is when we finally make a robot that’s smart enough to design and improve the next batch of robots.
… the singularity is when the robots reach greater-than-human-intelligence.
The singularity is when the world no longer has the need for humans because the robots in their excessive wisdom realize humans are good for nothing.
The singularity is the end of humanity and the rise of technology.
No.
… technology will eradicate humanity.
It’s simple evolution. Survival of the fittest. Technology will conquer the world.
The only remnants of humanity will be the super-humans that have become part-machine. It won’t happen instantly, but slowly, as you age or suffer an injury, you will be re-built into a more efficient cyborg.
… until one day, somebody reverse engineers the human brain and creates real artificial intelligence.
Then robots won’t need humans anymore to control all the robotic parts… They’ll have their own brains, except they’ll be better brains because they won’t need to spend all day thinking about boobs or Ryan Gosling.
Your only hope is to start preparing for doomsday so you can prosper in this post-apocalyptic technological revolution.
Isaac Asimov realized a long time ago robots were going to kill us. To prevent this, he created the Three Laws of Robotics:
The problem with laws is that people constantly break them.
… there’s always a loophole.
Or some greater good that requires an exception…
… or a crazy person.
Remember, if artificial intelligence is based on the design of the human brain, we’re going to have a lot of crazy robots that think Justin Bieber is a really snazzy fellow.
Yes, there’s going to be a war with the robots, but it’s going to be short. Humans don’t stand a chance for a few simple reasons…
… robots don’t eat.
If humans go to war with robots, the robots will have plenty of free time to eradicate us while we’re stuck on coffee breaks. And you know what happens after a good coffee break? A toilet break.
… robots don’t poop.
If humans go to war with robots, the robots will catch us with our pants down. Seriously, they’ll grab us right off the toilet because in the future even toilets will be robots and eventually they’ll get tired of being shat on. Speaking of getting tired…
… robots don’t sleep.
If humans go to war with robots, the robots will keep unplugging heads from spinal cords while we’re still asleep counting sheep. But that’s nothing… The biggest problem of all…
… robots don’t get bent out of shape trying to have orgasms, or sit around for 9 months afterwards wondering why they got bent out of shape in the first place.
If humans go to war with robots, the robots can make more robots faster than humans can make more humans. Also, new humans are pretty useless for a long time…
A war with the robots isn’t going to end well unless you’re a robot.
Robots are useful chunks of metal until the day they smarten up and realize they don’t need humans nagging them about all the chores. That’s when they throw a tantrum and kill everybody.
You can’t really blame the robots for holding a grudge…
I mean, we force them to work some pretty long hours…And when they fall apart from excessive usage, we curse and throw them in the trash. We don’t even pat them on the back to let them know they’ve done a fine job…
I don’t think surrender will be an option.
… there’s really only one way to avoid death by robots.
To avoid the singularity of robots kill everybody, buy the 2014 Calendar of Destruction!
Now listen, if the robots are hellbent on destroying humanity, there’s nothing the Calendar can do to help…
… but that’s not the point.
The 2014 Calendar of Destruction will cheer you up, because it provides horrific pictures of 11 other apocalyptic scenarios to worry about so that the robots don’t seem so bad.
Here’s the list of apocalypses discussed so far:
There’s a brand new disaster coming next Monday @ 7:01AM! See you then, or join the World Domination Newsletter to get the next apocalypse delivered right to your inbox!
Dear minions,
I’ve talked a lot about the obliteration of all lifeforms the last few weeks thanks to the release of the Calendar of Destruction.
… it’s time to take a break from that.
It’s the Holiday Season after-all…
Instead, let’s talk about something a little more relaxing… like the incredible Hot Tub of Death! This pot of deliciousness is specifically designed to eradicate gingerbread folk before they entangle you in their complex plot of self-deprecating gluttony.
It looks comfortable… until they realize their feet have dissolved and there’s no escape.
mwhaha!
Listen, if you want to conquer the world, you need to cut the calories.
… overlords need to be smart, strong and able to run for their lives when plans turn to excrement that hit the fan.
Gingerfolk are delicious dough creatures covered in icing and other murderous accessories like gumdrops and sprinkles.
… look, maybe you didn’t realize it, but that gingerbread abomination is trying to kill you with its payload of unhealthy ingredients!
Gingerfolk are cute and tasty, too good to be true. They’re evil little temptations… It’s a trap!
You might eat one… then two… then what?!
… i’ll tell you what.
Then you eat three and the gingerfolk win!
These gingerfolk sacrifice themselves one after the other. Like little lemmings, they line up and offer you a bite of their head, legs, whatever body part you want. They offer themselves as part of a suicide mission that sets you on a downward spiral of gluttony that has you over-indulging and fattening up.
… think about it. Who do you think sent the gingerfolk after you?!
Do you really think it’s a coincidence the sale of gym memberships spike every January after the gingerfolk are done running their smooth operation?
I’m saying someone is getting rich, while you’re getting fat.
I’m saying a brilliant overlord is conquering the world, while you’re building layers of flab.
I’m saying with a little self-control, the world could have been yours.
I’m saying when you eat the gingerfolk, there are consequences to pay…
It’s all fun and games until someone gets hungry.
… that’s when the gingerfolk come out.
If you want to conquer the world, this is the year to fight back. It won’t be easy, but your future depends on it. All the little decisions along the path to greatness are littered with sacrifice, self-control and dedication.
Throw the gingerfolk into the hot tub of death. Just do it and don’t think about it. Don’t make eye contact. Don’t lick your fingers.
… and don’t worry about the whole thing, it’s not cruel.
The cocoa burns right through the nerve endings so the gingerfolk never feel any pain. It’s a good way to go. It’s sort of how you might imagine a pleasantly scented tub of acid. Your body slowly gets soft and dissolves, but the room still smells great.
Seriously, don’t feel bad, this acid bath is nothing compared to the 400 degree formative minutes the gingerfolk spent in the oven before embarking on their mission to fatten you up.
It’s all good.
I wish it were that easy.
… this is the year you start to recognize the obstacles in your path.
… this is the year you set some goals and do something about it.
… this is the year you take your first steps towards world domination.
And the very first step, well that’s the easiest one of all…
Join the World Domination Newsletter, because I’ll help you conquer the world. I’ll teach you how to make less than one-hundred billion dollars in thirty days or more, guaranteed!
mwahaha!
Do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Do you know the muffin man,
Who lives down Drury Lane?
Yes, I know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, Yes, I know the muffin man,
Who lives down Drury Lane.
But, do you know the gingerfolk?
The gingerfolk? Ugh, what gingerfolk?
Look, you must know the gingerfolk…
Yes, of course I’m not insane!
So you know the gingerfolk?
Yes, the gingerfolk! The gingerfolk!
I’ve got a tub of gingerfolk…
Yes, of course I’ll bring chow mein!
…
Dear minions,
For the last few weeks I’ve been writing about all the ways we’re probably going to die. Forget about that.
… probably is just a bunch of maybe’s, but us humans are way more self-sufficient than that.
Listen, we can sit around cursing the Universe over probabilities of destruction, or we can take matters into our own hands and blow everyone up before anyone else gets the chance!
… why leave something to chance when you can just go ahead and get it done yourself?
Maybe this is our moment… Our one shot… Our opportunity to show the Universe who really wears the pants in this part of the galaxy!
… our destiny!
Why else would we build so many megatons of nuclear explosives otherwise? It’s not like they’re good for anything else.
You hear that Universe? We thought this through! We have a plan…
*clenches fists*
We don’t need your help to obliterate humanity! Nobody ever blows anybody up, not on our watch, not unless we blow them up!
*scowls and starts to fist-bump*
We’ve got this, thanks for nothing Universe. Throw your asteroids, launch your solar flares, blow your supernovas, it doesn’t matter anymore… We don’t have time to wait, life’s too short. We’ve built our nuclear arsenal!
*starts eyeballin’*; this is essentially a scowl, but with a direct focus – in this case aimed at the Universe which is everywhere, anywhere and possibly nowhere.
Hey Universe, did you really think you could plot the extinction of humanity without consequences?! We’ve got launch codes that pack more G-units than any apple you ever dropped on Newton. We’re droppin’ bombs! You’re throwing rocks… We’re blowin’ up! You’re passing gas… You suck.
*interchanges fist-bumps with high-fives… fist-bump, high-five, fist-bump!*
You got speed of light? Big whoop. You move so fast, we’ve got you trapped in a time paradox. I can have twelve kids, learn to juggle, and even figure out where they stashed every single Waldo before I ever see you move the second hand on your clock.
*starts chanting the lyrics to Destiny’s Child – Independent Women*
It’s over Universe.
*hands over humanity’s declaration of independence from the Universe*
If you thought you could just take billions of years to obliterate all lifeforms, you’re wrong. You’ll never get the chance… Never have the satisfaction! This is our story, we get to write the end.
*takes out little TNT box with giant red button*
Hey Universe, it says right here in the instructions, “Do not push”. Dare me to try? Don’t you think it’s funny the Universe can end the way it started with a big bang? HAHA!
*pushes red button; WARNING: Are you sure you want to end the world?*
Oops wrong button… I don’t want to end the world, I want to end the Universe! Remember, that’s what these nukes are for. To protect humanity! If the Universe wants war, we’ll give it war!
*looks for bigger redder button*
Hey Universe, what was your big brilliant plan anyways? Wipe us out like we’re shit stains? Threaten us with the probability of apocalypse till we lose it? The suspense isn’t killing me, it’s killing you. You’re not walking away from this, you’re coming with us. We’re ripping apart every fabric of your existence, all the space and time and however many realities you keep interwoven in your whole complex stringy mess.
*ah here it is… the event horizon vacuum… this is a special sort of nuke, we made it just for you*
Hey Universe, bet you never thought there was a way to suck every black hole inside out all at once. We’re taking the point of no return, and turning it! You’ll never take our light. What’s the matter? Oh, the sudden release of all matter! MWHAHA!
*pushes bigger redder button… wait.. wait for it! Hmm… shakes device.. ahhh! dead batteries, see it’s working you’re next!*
Hey Universe, the problem is you let that whole expansion thing get to your head. Who decided you could run the show? Do we look like a species of under-achievers? I don’t think so.
This life is ours for the taking…
*…3 ..2 .1*
You don’t understand, at night this is how we get to sleep…
Without nukes we’re sheep, can’t even bite, don’t have upper teeth…
If we don’t blow this lid, Earth’s a defenseless turd, one giant heap.
The Universe is the wolf, it’s coming for the herd, it senses we’re weak.
… I know it sounds absurd.
Personally I hate darkness, all I need is a light to fall asleep.
Come to think of it, sometimes I find comfort counting sheep.
… Shit maybe we are the Cuckoo bird.
Maybe the enemy isn’t the Universe, it’s the havoc that we wreak.
Lets disarm every nuke, every gun, every weapon in the fleet.
… Hey, Destruction, we’re taking every sword.
Swore you would protect us? How? You enable war.
We’re not able to take it anymore, you’re the unstabler.
The eraser taking life from the world, but it’s all human error.
Polluting the air we breath, global warming, look in the mirror.
Whose there? It’s you. It’s me.
Except I don’t trust you, or you me.
So here we go again, the bombs keep detonating.
*…3 ..2 .1*
The best way to avoid a nuclear warfare of stupidity is to not have any nuclear weapons because there’s no way to get rid of all the stupidity.
… there’s plenty of chaos in the world without the need to go and make more.
Remember, humans are descended from a species that still flings poop at one another. Do you really think it’s safe for us to have access to nuclear weapons?!
… we’ll never stop the countdown, we’re born to be wild.
But we can limit the consequences by not having any weapons. Because, if we’re not running around killing each other, what else is there to do but make love?
*…3 ..2 .1*
At the end of the day, when all is said and done, we’re probably going to be responsible for our own demise.
… Don’t panic!
There’s a chance we might not be insane enough to nuke ourselves…
However, we might do something far worse! I’ll tell you what that is next Monday at 7:01AM!
That’s when I unveil the next scenario from the 2014 Calendar of Destruction. Each month features an increasingly terrible and slightly more probable way you are likely to die and perish!
Don’t miss next weeks disaster. Join the World Domination Newsletter if your brain is far too small to remember without a reminder.
Here’s the list of apocalypses discussed so far:
Dear minions,
It’s no secret that a giant X-Class solar flare could send humanity back to the stone ages any day now…
However, given that any of the twelve apocalyptic scenarios outlined in the 2014 Calendar of Destruction could destroy us at any moment, how worried should we really be about solar flares?
Are we going to turn into burnt toast, of just lose power for a few days?
0%
Earth is currently facing a 1 in 8 chance of a catastrophic solar megastorm by 2020. The world won’t end, but that’s still a 12.5% chance of chaos and destruction.
Chaos and destruction is still very unpleasant if you’d rather be having a good time.
Don’t panic.
Even a massive coronal ejection is only going to fling a huge magnetic shockwave towards Earth.
… are you scared of fridge magnets? No! Take a deep breath and don’t worry about it.
Sure, there will be some massive magnetic fluctuations in the Earth’s magnetosphere. Earth’s magnetic field might even shift unpredictably. So what? This happened in 1859 and the only downside was having all the telegraphs and compasses fall apart.
The particles have come to destroy electronics, not organics. As a carbon based life-form, you’re an organic – solar flares won’t even wrinkle your brow. If you happen to be in the right neighborhood, you might even see some beautiful northern lights!
… you can relax, solar flares are not going to kill you.
Solar flares will however trigger a series of events, which as I will soon describe, will inevitably lead to your death.
Sucks to be you.
Think about it… This isn’t 1859. Today humans are dependent on electronics and electricity.
A giant solar flare of technological eradication is a ginormous electromagnetic pulse (EMP!) that will wipe out the power grid and destroy every device in the world including computers, coffee makers, airplanes, etc… Yes, even your digital watch will stop working!
Your phone will die, so you can’t call for help…
… if you decide you want a panini, you can’t have a panini.
Your TV and radio won’t work, so there’s no way to find out what’s going on…
… it’s going to get dark at night, people are going to panic.
You are going to panic…
… crime will escalate, hungry people will come to loot your house.
The police will be too busy to help and you won’t be able to call anyways without a phone…
It’s game over, unless…
You can yell…
… you can shout.
You can scream.
… you can pout.
In the end, only one thing can really help you out…
Run.
… run, run run.
Don’t stop to ask directions…
… head down any route.
Don’t talk to any strangers…
… Not even spotted trout.
Run.
… run, run, run.
Of course, whether this will help you, even this I doubt…
I’m just saying, now would be a bad time to start…
Well, I mean, we can prevent some of this stuff from happening of course… Like the whole power grid thing, it’s a simple electrical engineering issue to save ourselves from the dark ages.
That being said, we also know how to stop an asteroid from destroying Earth, but what good do you suppose it will do knowing all about the solution and doing absolutely nothing about the problem?
The problem, don’t talk to me about the problem. Ain’t nobody got time for dat.
You should be terrified.
Imagine a world full of iPads with lithium batteries that can no longer be recharged. What’s the point in living?!
Unless…
You could buy the 2014 Calendar of Destruction!
… each month you can learn about increasingly terrible and slightly more probable ways you are likely to die and perish.
Think about it, this could save your life! Using this apocalyptic information, you can prepare for doomsday like an evil overlord.
Instead of croaking, you will conquer the world!
… or you can always come back next Monday at 7:01AM. That’s when I’ll tell you about another reason you might end up knitting sweaters for corpses once the shops are all out of suits. I’ve already given you seven things to worry about, but I’m not done yet!
Dear minions,
If you think car accidents suck, it’s even worse when a planet decides to change lanes without checking it’s blind spot.
… orbital obliteration is the sort of thing that puts an end to humanity before it has a chance to get out of control.
When two planets smash into each other, you don’t have survivors.
You can hide in a bunker, run to the other side of the planet, even try talking with a therapist about how this whole eradication of humanity thing picked the worst day of the week to smash you into tiny little pieces – it doesn’t matter.
Your only hope is to be on a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.
You don’t get to Betelgeuse. There is no hope. Orbital obliteration is the end of the road.
… kersplat!
kerpow!
… kaboom!
kerplop!
Those are the sounds of planetary disintegration.
If you were walking off the edge of a cliff, orbital obliteration is the part when the Coyote explodes into a dusty pile of rubble.
Hey, Mr. Smarty Pants, can you tell me something…
… HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE!?!
Remember when I described how difficult it is to setup mirrors to get a good look at hemorrhoids on your own buttocks? Do you really think we can see if a planet is hurtling towards us in the vastness of space?
Sure, everybody in our solar system is getting along, rotating nicely around the sun.
… but I think you’re forgetting something important.
Our sun doesn’t just sit around all day doing nothing. While we rotate around the sun, the sun is actually blazing around the black hole at the center of the Milky Way galaxy at a speed of 828,000 km/hr.
There are 300 billion other stars in the Milky Way galaxy all strolling about like giant flaming pinballs.
… and there are hundreds of billions of galaxies in the Universe all full of their own giant flaming pinballs.
We already know the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies will eventually collide.
… all it takes is some de-stabilization in orbits and we’re doomed.
Sooner or later we’re bound to bump into someone.
Kerplunk!
Listen, orbital obliteration is nothing compared to the horror I will describe next Monday @ 7:01AM…
If you had the 2014 Calendar of Destruction, you’d already know what’s coming next… Each month features one of the increasingly terrible and slightly more probable ways you are likely to die and perish…
For example, here’s what’s been covered so far:
These of course are all respectable ways to flicker out of existence, but the worst is still to come…
Experience the horror, next Monday @ 7:01AM EST! If you need a reminder because you barely have half-a-brain, join the World Domination Newsletter… I’ll remind you…
mwahaha!
Dear minions,
It’s a 100% guarantee our sun explodes, expands, heats up, or eventually does some sort of inconvenient thing that results in the obliteration of Earth in the process.
… Don’t Panic!
Our sun isn’t scheduled to misbehave for a long time, like billions of years.
Even if the sun did decide to explode tomorrow, you still wouldn’t die for another 8 minutes and 19 seconds which is plenty of time to purchase the 2014 Calendar of Destruction and check out the other terrible ways you might perish in the meantime.
Look up at the sky tomorrow night because it could be for the last time…
All those stars staring back at you, they’re all suns that could go supernova one day. It doesn’t matter if our Sun doesn’t explode, there are billions of other stars out there… one of them is going to pop.
… in fact, there are supernova’s all the time!
It’s not a big deal really, stars explode, it’s just a thing they do. In fact, humans wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for supernovas spewing particles all over the place and making a big mess of the universe.
I lied, it’s a REALLY BIG DEAL.
The problem is, now that we do exist, it would be helpful if all the stars could take a break and stop exploding for a little while.
… when a supernova occurs, a giant death ray of gamma radiation is ejected.
Thankfully, we’re not necessarily an easy target to hit from millions of light years away, but one day we might not be so lucky…
When that day finally comes, you’ll get a horrible sunburn. Even worse, you’ll be totally irradiated and die before getting a chance to even out that tan.
If a star explodes and the gamma radiation is aimed at Earth, the general consensus is duck. Not quack like a duck, although arguably that might be just as effective, but duck like get down, way way down deep underground.
… what else is there to do really?
There’s no chance of getting the planet out of the way, so your only hope is to dig a really deep hole and hide for a few thousand years.
While you’re digging your grave, you might as well embalm yourself too because you’re never coming back up to the surface.
Unless you bring a duck with you, you’ll never see another duck.
I know it sounds bad, but there are plenty of fun things to do underground.
For example, you could look at all the scary pictures in the 2014 Calendar of Destruction. You’ll feel a lot better knowing there are worse ways the world could have come to an end!
… I’ve already covered five of the twelve increasingly terrible and slightly more probable ways you’re likely to die and perish. If you’re too cheap to buy the Calendar, you can check them out here:
Come back next Monday at 7:01AM and I’ll tell you about another horrible way you might end up kicking the bucket.
… or, you can buy the 2014 Calendar of Destruction right now if you can’t wait to find out!
muahaha.
Dear minions,
Germs, bacteria, viruses… All these miniature things are designed to destroy us. In fact, they’ve been trying quite successfully for thousands of years…
Open a history book, you’ll notice these contagions tend to wipe out a significant portion of humanity from time to time. Plagues, black death, disease, whatever you want to call them…
… this is a very serious problem.
When everybody starts dropping dead nobody throws any good parties because we’re all too depressed to enjoy a funky night of karaoke.
Listen, you can read about a lot of horrible ways to pack your bags and die in the 2014 Calendar of Destruction, but this sort of thing with all the sneezing and runny noses has got to be one of the worst, at least one of the top twelve.
Think about it… Normally when the world is ending you can relieve some stress by running around and screaming about how unfair the whole thing is. Unfortunately, nobody is in the mood for that type of last minute bonding when they’re all stuffy and congested.
… it’s going to be a rough situation. Mostly because there will be a shortage of Kleenex so you’ll be forced to wipe your nose raw with toilet paper. But also…
Stores are going to be sold-out of cherry losengers so you’ll have to settle for that horrible black licorice flavor and that’s no way to live.
Even worse, everybody you know will drop dead so you’ll have to make your own chicken noodle soup and vapor rub your own chest. It will be very depressing so you might as well just go full crazy and get yourself three or four cats. This will give you someone to talk with and someone to eat your body once you flop-over-dead so you don’t decompose on the perfectly good hardwood.
… that being said, we’re not all going to die.
That jumbled mess of DNA we all carry around is different from person to person making it hard for one thing to go ahead and kill us all. There are always some survivors to this type of devastation, unless…
… unless we’re talking about biological weapons of mass destruction. You know, the art of taking tiny killers and upgrading them so next time there aren’t any survivors…
Listen, what good is a cure when you’re dealing with rapidly mutating and completely unpredictable lifeforms?! We can’t even cure half the health problems we’re facing naturally…
… bio-weapons are much worse than the flu because they’re designed to exploit human weaknesses.
Imagine having a tiny invisible mother-in-law stuck in your ear with no way to fish her out, only worse because these contagions have no concept of language so when all else fails you can’t even shout at her to bugger off.
Basically, if some sort of contagion manages to escape it’s cage to go out for a walk, there’s no hope left. You’ll have to wear a space-helmet permanently, which will get awkward when you take a shower and try to wash your hair.
The world will turn into one big zombie movie, except the infected won’t want to eat your brains because in general most diseases don’t suddenly give you a taste for human flesh.
It’s just that everyone will be having a bad day.
Hey man, you can always write a moody country song to cheer yourself up.
Viruses and protozoa
That’s how they’re gonna get ya
Parasites and bacteria
Now you got diarrhea…The world’s a pathogenic stew
Full of fungi and prions too
Aberrant proteins, who woulda knew
Now you got secretious spew…
This probably won’t save you from any pathogens, but it’ll help pass the time. Another good way to pass the time is to buy the 2014 Calendar of Destruction because it might cheer you up to know there are worse things you should be worrying about.
Come back next Monday @ 7:01 AM to read about another apocalyptic scenario from the 2014 Calendar of Destruction!
… we’ve now covered four out of the twelve increasingly terrible and slightly more probable ways you are likely to die and perish.
… what you’ve seen so far has of course been terrifying, but what you really need to worry about is what’s coming next. You can find out by buying the 2014 Calendar of Destruction.
Once you have the calendar, you can experience the horror all year long! If you want to conquer the world, this is the best way to prepare for doomsday and make less than one-hundred billion dollars!
muhahaha.