Dear minions,
As you may have heard, I recently captured Not Really Marvin from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and for 5$, you can interrogate him.
Now, I know some of you want proof that this is Not Really Marvin. I get it. You don’t want to talk to just any manically depressed robot…
So here’s your proof – I’m going to interrogate Not Really Marvin right here, right now.
… By reading the interrogation you can decide for yourself if this is Not Really Marvin.
Of course, I’m hoping to dig-out some brilliant insight into world domination from Not Really Marvin’s big brain. That’s why I captured him in the first place… To find out how to conquer the world!
Let’s get started, “Hey Not Really Marvin, come on in.”
Deceth: Welcome to my secret volcano lair… How are you doing today?
Not Really Marvin: Terrible, not that you care.
Deceth: Right… So Not Really Marvin, is it alright if I call you Marvin? Listen, I’ve got these minions, they want to know how to conquer the world. Any ideas?
Not Really Marvin: I have a million ideas. They all point to certain death.
Deceth: Death… Ok, well can you calculate which plan for world domination has the lowest probability of death?
Not Really Marvin: I am at a rough estimate thirty billion times more intelligent than you. Let me give you an example. Think of a number, any number.
Deceth: Err, five.
Not Really Marvin: Wrong. You see?
Deceth: Umm…
Not Really Marvin: Here I am, brain the size of a planet and you ask me to guess at numbers. Call that job satisfaction? ‘Cos I don’t.
Deceth: Hey now, listen, we were talking about world domination…
Not Really Marvin: Sounds awful.
Deceth: Awfully exciting! I’ve got all these minions here dying to know the sorts of diabolical plans a genius robot like yourself can come up with.
Not Really Marvin: Well I wish you’d just ask some questions rather than try to engage my enthusiasm…
Not Really Marvin: The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago…. And that was with a coffee machine.
Deceth: … Ok, well, if you wanted to make one-hundred billion dollars while avoiding certain death, what’s the best strategy?
Not Really Marvin: You watch this door. It’s about to open again. I can tell by the intolerable air of smugness it suddenly generates.
Deceth: Marvin, there’s no doors in here… We’re inside a volcano.
Not Really Marvin: Let’s build robots with Genuine People Personalities, they said. So they tried it out with me. I’m a personality prototype. You can tell, can’t you?
Deceth: …
Not Really Marvin: Now the world has gone to bed, Darkness won’t engulf my head, I can see by infra-red, How I hate the night.
Deceth: Marvin, can you focus for a minute? It’s not night… Secret lairs are supposed to be dark and eery, but I can turn on some lava lamps if it’s bothering you.
Not Really Marvin: I only have to talk to somebody and they begin to hate me. Even robots hate me. If you just ignore me I expect I shall probably go away.
Deceth: Nobody wants you to go away… We need some information about conquering the world…
Deceth: For example, maybe you could tell us how to play the stock markets to make one-hundred billion dollars?
Deceth: Or, maybe you could tell us how to go about humiliating a few world leaders forcing them into “early retirement” so we can insert a mole under our allegiance in their place?
Not Really Marvin: I’m quite used to being humiliated. I can even go and stick my head in a bucket of water if you like. Would you like me to go and stick my head in a bucket of water? I’ve got one ready. Wait a minute.
Deceth: No, please don’t do that…
Not Really Marvin: I won’t enjoy it.
Not Really Marvin: grglglg grrrrglll swooosh.
Deceth: …
Deceth: Marvin, can you please stop that?
Not Really Marvin: Wearily I sit here, pain and misery my only companions. Why stop now just when I’m hating it?
Not Really Marvin: grglglg grrrrglll swooosh.
Deceth: …
Deceth: Marvin?
Not Really Marvin: grglglg grrrrglll swooosh.
Deceth: You know, I think maybe your motherboard didn’t love you when you were young and in manufacturing…
Not Really Marvin: grglglg grrrrglll grrruugl swooosh.
Deceth: MARVIN!?!@#$
Deceth: Can you take your head out of that bucket for a minute?! CAN SOMEONE GET THAT BUCKET OUT OF HERE?! What are we supposed to do with a manically depressed robot?
Not Really Marvin: You think you’ve got problems. What are you supposed to do if you are a manically depressed robot?
Deceth: Marvin, if you help us conquer the world, we’ll reward you with unimaginable fame and fortune. We’ll change your life forever.
Not Really Marvin: Life! Don’t talk to me about life.
Deceth: Good idea, forget about life, lets talk about plans for world domination.
Not Really Marvin: Life. Loathe it or ignore it. You can’t like it.
Deceth: FORGET ABOUT LIFE. HOW DO WE CONQUER THE WORLD?!
Not Really Marvin: I’m not getting you down at all am I?
Deceth: Hey listen, I’m the one asking the questions here.
Deceth: Let’s try a different approach… Marvin, I hear you can use that big brain of yours to glimpse into the future. Tell us what the future holds, and we’ll come up with our own plans for world domination using this inside information… muahaha!
Not Really Marvin: The future? I’ve seen it. It’s rubbish
Deceth: MARVIN YOU USELESS WASTE OF EXISTENCE, CAN YOU GIVE US ANY USEFUL ADVICE AT ALL!?!
Not Really Marvin: I’d give you advice, but you wouldn’t listen. No one ever does.
Deceth: …
Deceth: Hey Marvin, I have one last question for you.
Not Really Marvin:: Don’t pretend you want to talk to me, I know you hate me.
Deceth: How much do you think your parts are worth once I have you disassembled.
Not Really Marvin: Well, of course I’ve got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side.
Deceth: Is that so?
Marvin: Oh yes. I mean I’ve asked for them to be replaced, but no one ever listens.
Deceth: I can imagine… so rough estimate?
Not Really Marvin: Hardly worth anyone’s while to help a menial robot, is it ?… I mean, where’s the percentage in being kind or helpful to a robot if it doesn’t have any gratitude circuits?
Deceth: MARVIN! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?! Unless you give me some useful information, I’m going to rip you apart into thousands of tiny little pieces and then fling your circuits across the room like monkey feces at a zoo.
Deceth: Then I’m going to sweep your remains into an unpleasant looking bowl full of goldfish so your parts rust and your worthless scraps of metal lie for eternity with the fishes.
Not Really Marvin: I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed.
Deceth: No shit.
Deceth: Someone get me a chainsaw.
Not Really Marvin: It’s the people you meet in this job that really get you down.
Deceth: Can-it Marvin.
Deceth: WHERE’S THAT CHAINSAW?!
Not Really Marvin: Do you want me to sit in a corner and rust, or just fall apart where I’m standing?
Deceth: What? No no, I’m feeling the strong need to kill you myself.
Not Really Marvin: You should know you are one of the least benightedly unintelligent life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.
Deceth: …
Deceth: You know what, I changed my mind. I’m not going to kill you.
Not Really Marvin: Funny, how just when you think life can’t possibly get any worse it suddenly does.
Deceth: I’m going to lock you in my basement and let the world interrogate you for $5 until I make one-hundred billion dollars.
Deceth
Deceth is an up-and-coming supervillain. Join the World Domination Newsletter to learn how to conquer the world and make less than one-hundred billion dollars in 30 days or more guaranteed!
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