Dear minions,
You know how these things go…
One minute you’re minding your own business in your secret volcano castle eating a delicious canoli WHEN SUDDENLY A WILD ITALIAN PLUMBER APPEARS.
Mario…
… what an asshole.
Mario can’t just use a door like a normal person. Nope.
He’ll usually scale some walls.
Slide down some pipes.
Jump on all your pet turtles until their heads explode.
All this chaos and destruction, for what?!
The worst part is when he bursts into the room and shouts, “it’s aaaa me, Mario!”
No shit.
That’s when you wish you had stuck with the New Years resolution to hit the treadmill because you never know when you’ll have to run away from a wild Italian plumber shooting fireballs at your guests.
“it’s aaaa me!!!”.
He says it again right before he beats the shit out of you and kidnaps your girlfriend who you just rescued again from her tormentors in the Mushroom Kingdom…
What do the mushroom people want with this chick anyways??? It’s like some weird cult horror story…
… A group of mushrooms hire a wild Italian plumber to kidnap a woman they call Princess, because of course they worship her… It’s all part of their sacrificial ritual to honor the host that carries the parasitic shroom children into future.
“Hey Toad, is she the one?”
“Yes! The recipe says find a ripe Peach, inoculate with fungal spawn, then maintain moisture levels and humidity.”
“Awesome, all hail Princess Peach!!! Mother of Mushroooooms!”
It’s weird right?
… And I’m the bad guy!!! HAHAHA!
“it’s aaaa me, Mario!”
… great, now my couch is on fire.
Do you know how difficult it is to get nice furniture delivered to a SECRET volcano lair?! Always surplus charges and dungeons filled with Purolator guys.
WHAT ARE THE MUSHROOMS PAYING YOU MARIO?!
… If it’s my gold coins you want, take them!
Just please don’t torture me like you torture those poor Yoshi’s… Do you even know how many you’ve dropped into bottomless pits?!
“it’s aaaa me, Mario!”
DO YOU SAY ANYTHING ELSE?!
… Nothing keeps him out.
My electric bills are through the roof from 17 air conditioners just in my bedroom and yet Mario still finds some way past all the lava.
Porcu-Puffers for Hire! Click here to recruit.
I’ve tried booby traps all over my home…
I can’t even go to the bathroom without Thwomps trying to crush me. It’s ridiculous.
Maybe next I’ll setup shop somewhere under the ocean. Good luck shooting your fireballs under water, that would make no sense, mwahaha!
All I need is a couple Porcu-Puffers, some Spike Bass and a giant Cheep-Cheep army. That should do the trick.
… until we meet again.
I Run.
Deceth
Deceth is an up-and-coming supervillain. Join the World Domination Newsletter to learn how to conquer the world and make less than one-hundred billion dollars in 30 days or more guaranteed!
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