If you think car accidents suck, it’s even worse when a planet decides to change lanes without checking it’s blind spot.
… orbital obliteration is the sort of thing that puts an end to humanity before it has a chance to get out of control.
When two planets smash into each other, you don’t have survivors.
You can hide in a bunker, run to the other side of the planet, even try talking with a therapist about how this whole eradication of humanity thing picked the worst day of the week to smash you into tiny little pieces – it doesn’t matter.
Your only hope is to be on a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse… How do I get to the vicinity of Betelgeuse?!
You don’t get to Betelgeuse. There is no hope. Orbital obliteration is the end of the road.
Those are the sounds of planetary disintegration.
If you were walking off the edge of a cliff, orbital obliteration is the part when the Coyote explodes into a dusty pile of rubble.
Well, there’s no planets in our blind spot so there’s no reason to worry…
… HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE!?!
Remember when I described how difficult it is to setup mirrors to get a good look at hemorrhoids on your own buttocks? Do you really think we can see if a planet is hurtling towards us in the vastness of space?
Sure, everybody in our solar system is getting along, rotating nicely around the sun.
… but I think you’re forgetting something important.
Our sun doesn’t just sit around all day doing nothing. While we rotate around the sun, the sun is actually blazing around the black hole at the center of the Milky Way galaxy at a speed of 828,000 km/hr.
There are 300 billion other stars in the Milky Way galaxy all strolling about like giant flaming pinballs.
… and there are hundreds of billions of galaxies in the Universe all full of their own giant flaming pinballs.
We already know the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies will eventually collide.
… all it takes is some de-stabilization in orbits and we’re doomed.
Sooner or later we’re bound to bump into someone.
Why aren’t you more worried?!
Listen, orbital obliteration is nothing compared to the horror I will describe next Monday @ 7:01AM…
If you had the 2014 Calendar of Destruction, you’d already know what’s coming next… Each month features one of the increasingly terrible and slightly more probable ways you are likely to die and perish…
For example, here’s what’s been covered so far:
- Supernova Explosion of Radiation
- Contagion of Mass Extinction
- Algal Bloom of Death
- Asteroid Impact of Doom
- Supervolcano of Destruction
These of course are all respectable ways to flicker out of existence, but the worst is still to come…
Experience the horror, next Monday @ 7:01AM EST! If you need a reminder because you barely have half-a-brain, join the World Domination Newsletter… I’ll remind you…