Contagion of Mass Extinction

Dear minions,

Germs, bacteria, viruses… All these miniature things are designed to destroy us. In fact, they’ve been trying quite successfully for thousands of years…

Open a history book, you’ll notice these contagions tend to wipe out a significant portion of humanity from time to time. Plagues, black death, disease, whatever you want to call them…

… this is a very serious problem.

When everybody starts dropping dead nobody throws any good parties because we’re all too depressed to enjoy a funky night of karaoke.

So we’re all going to die?!

Listen, you can read about a lot of horrible ways to pack your bags and die in the 2014 Calendar of Destruction, but this sort of thing with all the sneezing and runny noses has got to be one of the worst, at least one of the top twelve.

Think about it… Normally when the world is ending you can relieve some stress by running around and screaming about how unfair the whole thing is. Unfortunately, nobody is in the mood for that type of last minute bonding when they’re all stuffy and congested.

… it’s going to be a rough situation. Mostly because there will be a shortage of Kleenex so you’ll be forced to wipe your nose raw with toilet paper. But also…

Stores are going to be sold-out of cherry losengers so you’ll have to settle for that horrible black licorice flavor and that’s no way to live.

Even worse, everybody you know will drop dead so you’ll have to make your own chicken noodle soup and vapor rub your own chest. It will be very depressing so you might as well just go full crazy and get yourself three or four cats. This will give you someone to talk with and someone to eat your body once you flop-over-dead so you don’t decompose on the perfectly good hardwood.

… that being said, we’re not all going to die.

That jumbled mess of DNA we all carry around is different from person to person making it hard for one thing to go ahead and kill us all. There are always some survivors to this type of devastation, unless…

… unless we’re talking about biological weapons of mass destruction. You know, the art of taking tiny killers and upgrading them so next time there aren’t any survivors…

What’s so bad about bio-weapons, don’t those come with antidotes?

Listen, what good is a cure when you’re dealing with rapidly mutating and completely unpredictable lifeforms?! We can’t even cure half the health problems we’re facing naturally…

… bio-weapons are much worse than the flu because they’re designed to exploit human weaknesses.

Imagine having a tiny invisible mother-in-law stuck in your ear with no way to fish her out, only worse because these contagions have no concept of language so when all else fails you can’t even shout at her to bugger off.

Basically, if some sort of contagion manages to escape it’s cage to go out for a walk, there’s no hope left. You’ll have to wear a space-helmet permanently, which will get awkward when you take a shower and try to wash your hair.

The world will turn into one big zombie movie, except the infected won’t want to eat your brains because in general most diseases don’t suddenly give you a taste for human flesh.

It’s just that everyone will be having a bad day.

How can I prevent myself becoming host to en evil pathogen?!

Hey man, you can always write a moody country song to cheer yourself up.

Viruses and protozoa
That’s how they’re gonna get ya
Parasites and bacteria
Now you got diarrhea…

The world’s a pathogenic stew
Full of fungi and prions too
Aberrant proteins, who woulda knew
Now you got secretious spew…

This probably won’t save you from any pathogens, but it’ll help pass the time. Another good way to pass the time is to buy the 2014 Calendar of Destruction because it might cheer you up to know there are worse things you should be worrying about.

2014 Calendar of Destruction

Come back next Monday @ 7:01 AM to read about another apocalyptic scenario from the 2014 Calendar of Destruction!

… we’ve now covered four out of the twelve increasingly terrible and slightly more probable ways you are likely to die and perish.

• Contagion of Mass Extinction
• Algal Bloom of Death
• Asteroid Impact of Doom
• Supervolcano of Destruction

… what you’ve seen so far has of course been terrifying, but what you really need to worry about is what’s coming next. You can find out by buying the 2014 Calendar of Destruction.

Once you have the calendar, you can experience the horror all year long! If you want to conquer the world, this is the best way to prepare for doomsday and make less than one-hundred billion dollars!

muhahaha.