Dear minions,
It’s no secret that a giant X-Class solar flare could send humanity back to the stone ages any day now…
However, given that any of the twelve apocalyptic scenarios outlined in the 2014 Calendar of Destruction could destroy us at any moment, how worried should we really be about solar flares?
Are we going to turn into burnt toast, of just lose power for a few days?
How likely is a giant solar flare to wipe out humanity?
0%
Great, so what’s the problem?
Earth is currently facing a 1 in 8 chance of a catastrophic solar megastorm by 2020. The world won’t end, but that’s still a 12.5% chance of chaos and destruction.
Chaos and destruction is still very unpleasant if you’d rather be having a good time.
How can I protect myself from a solar flare?
Don’t panic.
Even a massive coronal ejection is only going to fling a huge magnetic shockwave towards Earth.
… are you scared of fridge magnets? No! Take a deep breath and don’t worry about it.
Sure, there will be some massive magnetic fluctuations in the Earth’s magnetosphere. Earth’s magnetic field might even shift unpredictably. So what? This happened in 1859 and the only downside was having all the telegraphs and compasses fall apart.
The particles have come to destroy electronics, not organics. As a carbon based life-form, you’re an organic – solar flares won’t even wrinkle your brow. If you happen to be in the right neighborhood, you might even see some beautiful northern lights!
… you can relax, solar flares are not going to kill you.
Solar flares will however trigger a series of events, which as I will soon describe, will inevitably lead to your death.
Sucks to be you.
I thought you said solar flares were harmless?!
Think about it… This isn’t 1859. Today humans are dependent on electronics and electricity.
A giant solar flare of technological eradication is a ginormous electromagnetic pulse (EMP!) that will wipe out the power grid and destroy every device in the world including computers, coffee makers, airplanes, etc… Yes, even your digital watch will stop working!
Your phone will die, so you can’t call for help…
… if you decide you want a panini, you can’t have a panini.
Your TV and radio won’t work, so there’s no way to find out what’s going on…
… it’s going to get dark at night, people are going to panic.
You are going to panic…
… crime will escalate, hungry people will come to loot your house.
The police will be too busy to help and you won’t be able to call anyways without a phone…
It’s game over, unless…
Unless?! Unless what?!? What can I do?!
You can yell…
… you can shout.
You can scream.
… you can pout.
In the end, only one thing can really help you out…
Run.
… run, run run.
Don’t stop to ask directions…
… head down any route.
Don’t talk to any strangers…
… Not even spotted trout.
Run.
… run, run, run.
Of course, whether this will help you, even this I doubt…
WHAT?! Why would I ever talk with spotted trout?
I’m just saying, now would be a bad time to start…
There must be some way we can stop all this doom…
Well, I mean, we can prevent some of this stuff from happening of course… Like the whole power grid thing, it’s a simple electrical engineering issue to save ourselves from the dark ages.
That being said, we also know how to stop an asteroid from destroying Earth, but what good do you suppose it will do knowing all about the solution and doing absolutely nothing about the problem?
The problem, don’t talk to me about the problem. Ain’t nobody got time for dat.
Should I start panicking?!
You should be terrified.
Imagine a world full of iPads with lithium batteries that can no longer be recharged. What’s the point in living?!
Unless…
Unless?! Unless what?!? Stop doing that, just spit it out!!
You could buy the 2014 Calendar of Destruction!
… each month you can learn about increasingly terrible and slightly more probable ways you are likely to die and perish.
Think about it, this could save your life! Using this apocalyptic information, you can prepare for doomsday like an evil overlord.
Instead of croaking, you will conquer the world!
… or you can always come back next Monday at 7:01AM. That’s when I’ll tell you about another reason you might end up knitting sweaters for corpses once the shops are all out of suits. I’ve already given you seven things to worry about, but I’m not done yet!