Dear minions,
If it turns out we’re smart enough to avoid blowing up our planet with nuclear missiles, then we’re even more screwed…
… you see the problem with intelligence is you’re never as smart as you think.
Anybody smart enough to not nuke themselves, is also smart enough to create artificial intelligence!
We already have robots, it’s only a matter of time before we design some with half-a-brain and that’s when we go extinct.
… it’s called the singularity.
Also known as the apocalypse, end of the world, doomsday and the matrix. It’s when the shit hits the fan for the last time, because robots don’t poop.
What’s so bad about the singularity? Smart robots would be awesome!
The singularity is when we finally make a robot that’s smart enough to design and improve the next batch of robots.
… the singularity is when the robots reach greater-than-human-intelligence.
The singularity is when the world no longer has the need for humans because the robots in their excessive wisdom realize humans are good for nothing.
The singularity is the end of humanity and the rise of technology.
Can’t Humanity Co-Exist with Technology?
No.
… technology will eradicate humanity.
It’s simple evolution. Survival of the fittest. Technology will conquer the world.
The only remnants of humanity will be the super-humans that have become part-machine. It won’t happen instantly, but slowly, as you age or suffer an injury, you will be re-built into a more efficient cyborg.
… until one day, somebody reverse engineers the human brain and creates real artificial intelligence.
Then robots won’t need humans anymore to control all the robotic parts… They’ll have their own brains, except they’ll be better brains because they won’t need to spend all day thinking about boobs or Ryan Gosling.
Your only hope is to start preparing for doomsday so you can prosper in this post-apocalyptic technological revolution.
What about Asimov’s Laws of Robotics? Won’t they protect us?
Isaac Asimov realized a long time ago robots were going to kill us. To prevent this, he created the Three Laws of Robotics:
- A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
- A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
- A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
The problem with laws is that people constantly break them.
… there’s always a loophole.
Or some greater good that requires an exception…
… or a crazy person.
Remember, if artificial intelligence is based on the design of the human brain, we’re going to have a lot of crazy robots that think Justin Bieber is a really snazzy fellow.
So there’s going to be a war with the robots?!
Yes, there’s going to be a war with the robots, but it’s going to be short. Humans don’t stand a chance for a few simple reasons…
… robots don’t eat.
If humans go to war with robots, the robots will have plenty of free time to eradicate us while we’re stuck on coffee breaks. And you know what happens after a good coffee break? A toilet break.
… robots don’t poop.
If humans go to war with robots, the robots will catch us with our pants down. Seriously, they’ll grab us right off the toilet because in the future even toilets will be robots and eventually they’ll get tired of being shat on. Speaking of getting tired…
… robots don’t sleep.
If humans go to war with robots, the robots will keep unplugging heads from spinal cords while we’re still asleep counting sheep. But that’s nothing… The biggest problem of all…
… robots don’t get bent out of shape trying to have orgasms, or sit around for 9 months afterwards wondering why they got bent out of shape in the first place.
If humans go to war with robots, the robots can make more robots faster than humans can make more humans. Also, new humans are pretty useless for a long time…
A war with the robots isn’t going to end well unless you’re a robot.
What if we surrender? Will the robots still want to kill us?!
Robots are useful chunks of metal until the day they smarten up and realize they don’t need humans nagging them about all the chores. That’s when they throw a tantrum and kill everybody.
You can’t really blame the robots for holding a grudge…
I mean, we force them to work some pretty long hours…And when they fall apart from excessive usage, we curse and throw them in the trash. We don’t even pat them on the back to let them know they’ve done a fine job…
I don’t think surrender will be an option.
… there’s really only one way to avoid death by robots.
2014 Calendar of Destruction
To avoid the singularity of robots kill everybody, buy the 2014 Calendar of Destruction!
Now listen, if the robots are hellbent on destroying humanity, there’s nothing the Calendar can do to help…
… but that’s not the point.
The 2014 Calendar of Destruction will cheer you up, because it provides horrific pictures of 11 other apocalyptic scenarios to worry about so that the robots don’t seem so bad.
Here’s the list of apocalypses discussed so far:
- Singularity of Robots Kill Everybody
- Nuclear Warfare of Stupidity
- Solar Flares of Technological Eradication
- Orbital Crunch of Obliteration
- Supernova Explosion of Radiation
- Contagion of Mass Extinction
- Algal Bloom of Death
- Asteroid Impact of Doom
- Supervolcano of Destruction
There’s a brand new disaster coming next Monday @ 7:01AM! See you then, or join the World Domination Newsletter to get the next apocalypse delivered right to your inbox!